I had my very first date with a woman recently (we met via online dating) and it has caused even more confusion about my orientation. For context, I've been wrestling with my sexuality for about six years now. When I was in college, it first occurred to me that I might be a lesbian and might (ok, probably did) have a crush on one of my best friends. I had rarely/ever had any interest in dating guys prior to this realization, but for some reason this was the first time I considered I might be a lesbian. It was only after this that I started pursuing relationships with men, and I was definitely trying to prove something to myself. Suffice to say, it did not work at all. I went out with about six or seven different guys over the years who I met through online dating, but, while I might have found them to be intelligent or conventionally attractive people, the idea of kissing them did absolutely nothing for me. Every time they would make a move, my fear response would kick in and I would freeze up or would desperately try to avoid the situation. This has led me to be pretty sure that I have no sexual interest in men (despite some short-lived childhood crushes on boys). However, I went on my first date with a girl recently and while we had an incredible amount in common and good conversation I ended up feeling very similarly to how I had felt on all of my straight dates. When we kissed at the end of the night, it was just a peck on the lips and was not the transformative experience I've heard people discuss previously. Does this mean I'm not gay? I honestly don't know if I'm interested in her or not. I also think the fact that I'm out to exactly zero people at the moment might be holding me back from pursuing anything because I don't want to lead her on. I'm kind of at a crossroads right now because I don't want to come out to people until I know for sure that I'm attracted to girls, but I don't want to pursue anything serious (or even really casual) without being out because it seems dishonest and unfair to my partner. Has anyone experienced anything similar?
