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Vent/asking for advice regarding medically transitioning

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by redstatic, Jan 27, 2023.

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  1. redstatic

    redstatic
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    Heyo

    I've made some posts here regarding my journey. Slowly, then rapidly, I've gone from an unsure, doubtful guy to someone who's actually actively taking (very) small steps towards transitioning. It's like a flip switched a month ago, and a motor is running inside me on its own accord.

    I feel like that meme: inside you there are two wolves - one desperately wants to transition, the other is very doubtful. And the desperate one keeps growing rapidly.

    Right now I'm in a spot where I'm *trying* to convince myself I don't actually need testosterone, but that's happening on the back burner. Thoughts like, 'maybe I'm actually a girl and haven't tried hard enough..maybe i should give that another try. Maybe i should wear dresses for a while and force myself to use make up, just to be sure. I mean, i did kind of give up on trying to be feminine 7 years ago, maybe i just repressed my feelings'

    ..these thoughts make no sense because i see myself as a man and nothing more, even if my body is biological female. The thoughts of that alone make me uneasy, to say the least, but it's like it's something i need to do to get past this last hurdle. I don't want to, yet it feels necessary.

    In regards to my past concerns about starting T.. after that 'flip' switched, it's like nothing matters anymore. I was terrified of coming out to my parents, of whatever my extended family would think, of how i might be treated at uni or at my future job, but now I feel like I can actually handle that. I don't really care anymore. I am continuously aware of the consequences that might appear, reason why I haven't yet come out to my parents, but it's not that much of a hinderance in my transition anymore. It's just me and my body and my life now, no one else matters.

    I felt lost for years on end and now it's like I finally have a trajectory.

    Yeah idk. Could anyone share if they had any similar experiences? Maybe some advice?

    Thanks y'all
     
    #1 redstatic, Jan 27, 2023
  2. redstatic

    redstatic
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    So I put on a bra for the first time in 4-5 years and.. it's not as bad as I thought it'd be? I'm not sure what I feel but, it's weird. I put it on and I can't not see a guy in the mirror. I genuinely look at myself, with my chest accentuated, and I don't understand, even like this, how someone could look at me and not see a man. I feel delusional.
     
    #2 redstatic, Jan 27, 2023
  3. Rayland

    Rayland
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    Hugs. I know what you're going through. I had same experiences. I'm too slowly taking baby steps towards transitioning. Two years ago I didn't even know that transgender people existed at all, though I was in denial since kindergarten. For me too it was like a light switch, when I came to realize it. I also tried to convince myself, that I'm actually not trans and I don't need T or surgeries. I think that's quite common for trans folk, because we're scared of what our families/friends might think. I think it's good to keep experimenting and reading about others people's experiences and this is what helped me too, that others know what I'm going through.
     
    #3 Rayland, Jan 27, 2023
  4. redstatic

    redstatic
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    I've found reading about other people's experiences can either make me feel really confident or completely destroy my confidence, especially since most are articles or youtube videos where people don't share the most personal aspects of their experiences (which is completely understandable)
    It's all very alienating so I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one going through this.
    Could I ask: what determined your 'light switch' to.. switch?
     
    #4 redstatic, Jan 27, 2023
  5. Incoming

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    I can only comment as an empathetic outsider. I'd say you have every reason to be nervous and ambivalent.

    Medical transitioning requires a huge degree of courage, commitment, and possibly desperation, which would be only human.

    You'll need to ride out lots of physical and psychological changes over the long term. What happens if you run out of financial resources midway - for example, if you lose your job or insurance coverage ?

    I'm not trying to discourage you. I hope you succeed regardless of what you decide or how you choose to go about it. But it sounds like you really need a solid plan, which includes preparing for the unforeseen, and lining up as much support as you can.
     
    #5 Incoming, Jan 27, 2023
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  6. redstatic

    redstatic
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    I'll return to therapy in a couple of weeks, once my exams are over, and I'll talk to her about my transition, now that I have a clear goal in mind.

    Thanks for the support :slight_smile:
     
    #6 redstatic, Jan 27, 2023
  7. Rayland

    Rayland
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    It was just out of nowhere. I was just thinking about how it would be like to be in a man's body and suddenly I imagined myself as one and experienced euphoria, where I felt like all the clouds and fog around me shifted and all the puzzle pieces fell into place.
     
    #7 Rayland, Jan 27, 2023
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  8. redstatic

    redstatic
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    Damn, that feels like a lot crashing down at once. I'm glad you figured yourself out!
     
    #8 redstatic, Jan 27, 2023
  9. Rayland

    Rayland
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    It was awful. I got anxiety and depression because of it and am on medication, but yeah thank you not being confused anymore feels good and I know what I want. I've been feeling more and more in tune with my true self.
     
    #9 Rayland, Jan 27, 2023
  10. TheLittleEnby

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    just start T
     
    #10 TheLittleEnby, Jan 29, 2023
  11. Rayland

    Rayland
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    It's not this easy. It's important to consider every step. For example in my country I need to get committee approval, before I can even start it at all and you need to do bloodwork to see what works for you and set up a proper plan at endocrinologist. And many figure out it's not for them at all and present male without any hormones and this is okay.
     
    #11 Rayland, Jan 29, 2023
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  12. redstatic

    redstatic
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    Haha, I wish it were that easy! The road to T is long and weary in my country's medical field, but I'll get there some day
     
    #12 redstatic, Jan 29, 2023
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  13. redstatic

    redstatic
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    Yeee exactly. Thankfully it's a bit less complicated here (I managed to found some fantastic resources and everything feels a lot less overwhelming now!!), you just need a psych referral, then an endo (the tricky part is that there's like 10 doctors in the entire country lmfaooo, but thanks to the LGBT orgs it's easier to find them), and then it's free for all to buying the meds. Also it's stupidly expensive
     
    #13 redstatic, Jan 29, 2023
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  14. Rayland

    Rayland
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    Yeah, it's probably expensive here too, but I hope my insurance covers it. I did sent in my application to meet the committee, but it's a long wait, since they have long queues, at least until year 2024, which is when I probably finally get the appointment time.
     
    #14 Rayland, Jan 29, 2023
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  15. Hawk

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    Hormones aren't something that everyone can "just do". Many times it can take many years between seeing therapists/psychiatrists and endocrinologists. There's a lot more barriers other than just speaking with your medical team too, then there's the waitlists and expenses that come with it as well. Many people also physically cannot be prescribed hormones due to how their bodies work, or it's too dangerous to administer. Telling someone to "just do it" can come across as very insensitive without taking in anything else the person may be going through.

    There's also people who feel they don't need to take hormones to feel whole with themselves.
     
    #15 Hawk, Jan 29, 2023
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