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Used to be straight but now gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Tim9788, Jun 4, 2020.

  1. Tim9788

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    Hi all,

    I'm wondering if anyone can shed some light on what's going on with me. All through childhood and up to about 15 I had no interest in men and was absolutely crazy about women. My fantasies and porn preferences were purely straight and I can't even describe how exciting it all was. Around 15 I had OCD about being gay and had it for many years and I have come out the other side of that OCD with a real legitimate interest in gay porn. Straight porn does nothing that it used to do but I can be interested in gay porn and even want to try it out when in the mood. Problem is that I am struggling to find a real life man that I could actually do something with. I don't know if it's a mental block or something but when it turns from a fantasy guys body to a real life guy I lose interest. Is this something common when trying out stuff for the first time? If my straight fantasies and crushes aren't going to come back, when will I start having romantic feelings for men? How do I break through the barrier from enjoying porn to enjoying the real thing. Surely if I enjoy the porn then I am at least bisexual. Why can't I do the real thing.

    Thanks in advance
     
  2. Chip

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    The situation you describe is really, extremely exceptional. As in, I don't think I have ever read or heard of a similar case.

    This isn't to say that there aren't people who go through life blissfully ignorant of their homosexual orientation, have girlfriends, have sex, live their lives... and then one day, something happens, they find themselves kissing a guy or something and suddenly they realize that what they are feeling is very different than anything they've ever felt for a woman. (Qualification: this does not apply to folks with OCD; every time I write something like this, 10 people with OCD and zero other indications of same-sex attraction email me and go "See??? You said this, so it means I actually could be gay, right???? No. this doesn't apply to you.)

    So for the (non-OCD) folks that have this sort of later-in-life awakening, it's typically more like they realize that what they had with women was never really very exciting, but with men it is. So what's going on for these folks is they were always gay, but for whatever reason, those feelings were so deep down that they didn't come to the surface. Even that is pretty unusual, especially in this day and age where kids know from a young age that gay people exist.

    In your situation, though, you're essentially saying that you developed OCD about being gay, and now you actually have full arousal and excitement toward gay men, gay porn, and so forth. So as far as I am aware, this is relatively uncharted territory. I could imagine that perhaps there's some reluctance to actually act on the fantasy. Maybe there's a fear that it will go away if you act on it. Maybe it's a fear of letting someone in emotionally and intimately.

    I'm assuming you have a therapist to help with the OCD. Have you explored this with him or her? One thing to consider: OCD is an anxiety spectrum disorder, and often the origins for OCD, while certainly a neurochemical issue, have their roots in early childhood experiences. It would not be uncommon for the same experiences that gave rise to OCD to also give rise to a discomfort with emotional closeness and intimacy, and that could easily be what's getting in the way here. Unfortunately, that's not something easily unpacked on an internet message board, and better explored with a therapist. You're welcomed to talk about it more here, however I do think that in the long term, professional help will make it easier to solve.
     
    #2 Chip, Jun 4, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2020
    gravechild likes this.
  3. Tim9788

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    The fact that my situation is so odd is what confuses me. During my OCD I went through pretty much everything other people with OCD went through except after a while the anxiety mixed with arousal and could occasional cause actual adrenaline pumping arousal. When in these moods I was scared but ok with what was happening because I had an answer. After a day though I would go back to obsessing and trying to disprove the thoughts that I was gay but the arousal made it extremely difficult to refute. This is where my case differs from other people with OCD. I would often analyse my childhood and there were times that I remembered I mucked around with nudity with both boys and girls and even though my fantasies as I was going to sleep at night were all about women and how I was head over heels for whatever crush I had at the time and thought about them sexually, there was times when playing 'doctor' when I was young that I would get sexually excited with my best friend. He did too but I don't think he is gay or ever had any issues with it either. I do wonder if it was about the nudity or because he was a boy but there was excitement there as a child of like 8. But it never crept into my crushes or fantasies. It was only when I was about 14 that I had a random thought I could be gay and it started off as a typical case of OCD that I had had before on another topic but then I found after a while I was actually aroused by gay porn. The OCD part has made it hard to accept I have same sex attraction and I get into periods where the only way to make the anxiety go away is convince myself I'm still straight or to look at gay porn to convince myself I'm bi or gay. I honestly just want an answer and for all the mental blocks to be gone. If I'm into guys I want to stop feeling the anxiety and disinterest when I think about doing something with an actual guy. I also want there to be some evidence that I have the capability to like a guy romantically. At this point I only seem to have any interest in guys when I'm in the mood or watching porn.
     
  4. Tim9788

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    I'd like to say I never had OCD and I was just gay or bi in denial but the anxiety and compulsions and obsessions on the issue of being gay were very similar to other themes I've had.
     
  5. jcss1853

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    Hi Tim,

    Reading your posts makes me think that we are facing the same things. I am 23 and haven't had a relationship before that has lasted longer than a month, due to still not figuring this out. The funny thing is that it was also at age 15 that I started experiencing the same things as you.

    Between 9-15 I was completely straight, I never even thought about being gay. I actually fell in love with a girl completely when I was 11. At 15 I started to 'lose' my sexuality. Little by little I stopped being attracted to women. In my mind it was like I was on a 'straight island' and I was paddling over to a 'gay' island month by month. I also have pretty bad OCD. I used to be a talented cricketer, but I got so fixated on my ability to be able to bowl, that I could no longer even release the ball.

    Funnily enough my porn use started at 15 and over time I moved away from straight porn over to trans/ gay porn.

    As to whether I'm actually gay - I don't even know. I don't have any real attraction to women anymore, and when I try to date them this anxiety fog grapples me. The thought of doing certain gay acts is highly arousing but when it comes to romance - I've been on a couple of dates with guys but honestly felt nothing, and when I match with guys on hinge I get bored after a few messages.

    There is a specific branch of OCD called HOCD (Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) - which actually explains a lot of what I suspect we are both experiencing. However I'm still left thinking I'm in denial somehow.

    The whole thing has caused me so much worry that I have given up on dating altogether.