Hello. A lot of time has passed since I've posted on here, and some stuff has changed, but everything is still pretty much the same. I am a police explorer, and I'm liking it (although they may show me the door at the end of the year because of my age). It's becoming more and more certain that I'm probably going to become a cop when I graduate college, although film still interests me. My work-in-progress plan now is to be a cop and do film as a side business. Film and police are conflicting career paths for me, however police seems the more lucrative. I'm trying to decide, if I become a cop, where I'll go. I like the Massachusetts State Police, but the NYPD is not only my home but part of my family's legacy, Federal Parks Police looks cool, NPS Rangers looks good, NCIS is interesting, Boston Police, California Highway Patrol, the list goes on. But NYPD and Massachusetts State Police are in the lead. Park Ranger and NCIS are still very viable career paths though. And film, as much as I love it, it doesn't seem like I'll get very far. I'm not a good actor, I can't direct and produce, I'm not so great with camera setrings and lighting, and grip and writing are the only two I can do very well. Although I'm still not very confident. And I don't feel like being a roach to a bunch of guys who get paid thousands of dollars a day to sit around doing literally nothing. But that is subject to change, we'll see what happens. And trans life isn't going great. I can't afford a hair cut, I've got nobody to dye my hair, I'm still overweight and an eyesore to everybody I go to college with, people still don't like me, I'm still lonely, and I still feel stuck. Transition seems more and more like a nonsensical fantasy each and every day. I don't think I'll ever have the resources or the confidence to do it. And I have nobody to help me along the way. And I don't want to be flamboyant about it, I like being incognito and in the shadows. And all these LGBT centers and groups are all about exposing you to other people and stuff and I just don't feel comfortable with that. I always feel tired, regardless of how much sleep I get. I feel lonely since I almost never have anybody to talk to but myself. Romance seems impossible for me, literally nobody wants anything to do with me. People hate me just by looking at me. There's also this looming cloud that keeps telling me that I tried going all the way to Massachusetts from New York City for college to try and escape and make this perfect life only to fail and see that this place isn't all that different from back home. Replace conservatives with liberals and it's practically identical. Jerks are everywhere, and college only seems to accentuate that. I like my room, I like my film classes, but not my other classes or the administration here. And the kids really don't like me. I also have no way of supporting myself. I get told no left and right, even with experience and a tank of a resume. They all say "Not gualified" or "You don't meet our requirements" and it's not like these are crazy jobs I'm applying for. Apparently stocking shelves or being a security guard requires a PhD and a bloody recommendation letter from the Pope. My resume is good, I have a lot of experience and qualifications, but people refuse to hire me. So that's out the window. Being a girl just seems so impossible. And everybody keeps telling me to sign up for the military and I can't. I'm trans, so I'm banned. And I would probably never pass the medical. I'm still very much stuck in place, even though I'm away from home most of the time. I really want to be able to support myself and transition. I really want a girlfriend. I really want people to stop being so jerky and prejudice all the time. I want to be a girl, a pretty girl. I want my life, the way I want it. I don't want any of this other stuff. It's annoying and tedious. What am I to do? I want a good life and to have my dreams come true, but what's the sense in living life when all you have to go on is fantasy? I'm really starting to doubt happiness and life itself. I want to live, but a huge part of me says that it's not worth it. Perhaps I'm "Not qualified" for existence.
No matter what you need to keep heading towards the girl goal, even if it feels far away. On the issue of peers, I would use the whole ignore them argument, but you do need friends to have your back. Are you sure all the kids don’t like you? Unfortunately people are jerky and prejudice - those are the people who do not matter in this. Be who you are - haters can go away (for lack of a stronger term) You most definitely are qualified for existence. That is for certain. I hate to be the person that all cliché and like: ”It’ll get better just keep going”. You’ve probably had and will have that advice a million times. I’m making it a million and one. Us peeps on the forums will always be here to talk.
Hey I know it's tough and I've been in the same position where you move and then that with moving things will get better and they don't and that can put you on a real downer. I think you should give the LGBT centres a go. They are not all about being out and proud and waving a rainbow flag saying look at me I'm gay or bi or trans. They are also about finding support and people you can identify with. Sure there will be people there who are potentially a bit in your face and over the top but that's them, you can still stay in the shadows. I doubt that everyone hates you, but right now it sounds as though you hate yourself and when you feel like that we tend to emit these negative vibes and that tends to keep people away, it's difficult to break but you can do it. Do you have any people that you talk to?
-Sorry for the late response, I've been very busy with class and stuff. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I honestly hope that things get better. Between jobs not hiring me and being alone in a new place, I'm very strained for motivation. Not a lot of people like to talk to me and the people I do talk to are only hit and miss conversations. Half the time they end up walking away or talking when I'm mid sentence. You know? Not a lot of people up here feel comfortable around me and I get the impression that I've made a bad impression on them without even talking. I feel like people have the wrong idea about me and I don't get the oppurtunity to explain. And people rarely want to listen. A lot of people these days like to stay within themselves and about themselves. People rarely want to connect or keep the connection going. You know? We're all guilty of wanting to stick to ourselves and what we know and care about. But it still doesn't change the fact that it sucks when nobody listens or really wants to keep talking. And everybody always preaches about therapy and counseling, meanwhile I don't have the guts to go to my school's counseling center. And I do want to try and go to a therapist or an LGBT center, but I don't want to be out and open. Like, the LGBT center where I lived was far away from me and was in a bad neighborhood (the kind of neighborhood that you never want to walk alone in) and the odds of someone identifying you and knowing who you were were very high. If somebody saw me even near the building, it could've been disasterous. And I'm very hesitant because of that. And I don't want to be outed or seen by people who may know me. As accepting as everybody claims to be here, I still don't trust them. I don't want to end up in a hostile environment because of it either. And my parents could find out and discriminate against me. I can't risk anything. One could say that I'm a big enough target being a Police Explorer (which people really don't like at my university). And the economics. I need money, I need an apartment. I need a safe place. I like my home, but I really want to make my own home and feel safe. Most importantly I need money. Money equals apartment, food, car, phone, TV, internet, transition, etcetera. I really need money and the wages and hours for people my age are really low. And a lot of jobs don't even consider me for a position. A computer spits back an automatic no. It sucks. I'm alone up here with school taking up most of my time and not being able to even work towards my goals. Everything seems so far away and impossible.
