Update

Yay congratulations, at least it was worth the wait.

 

That's great to hear! I am hoping that I can someday come out to my husband and not have to keep secrets from him. Our marriage is good and he is understanding, patient, etc. When we first got together, I was completely in the closet but for some reason I told him about all the women that I had had flirtationships with. I felt safe saying it because I didn't think I ever would want to act on it. I didn't think it was making much of an impression but he didn't forget. Oddly, I started coming out of the closet after I got married. I had two lesbian girlfriends (at different times) but was still in the closet. I told them I was gay but didn't want to act on it. Now I am more out of the closet - much more. So I stopped talking to him about lesbians, because I figure I will have to keep my personal life private from him. And to my amazement, he told me one day that he suspects I'm gay and gave me his permission to have a girlfriend. then I was confused by that, and I was still not able to tell him his suspicions are right. Now it is a subject that we just don't talk about, but I sense that the day I tell him is getting closer. I go out in the evening now alone (which I didn't do before) and if he accuses me of going to gay places, for example, I will tell him the truth.

 

Thanks, MR. It's kind of surprising that you both are bisexual. How the heck did that happen?
My husband is straight as a die, so I find your situation hard to imagine. But here we are, both in the same situation.
I am not bi, I am lesbian. When I first told my husband that "I might be attracted to women", what a mild way to put it,
he was excited by it, wanted to do threesomes with another woman. But these days he accepts the fact that I am not bisexual
and his dreams of a threesome are over. Still he seems pretty understanding. Probably shyness or my internalized homophobia is the only reason that I am not telling him.

 

To me, a big part of living and relationship is about self discovery. We are sort of pigeon holed from birth by cultural 'norm,' and when we are different, there can be a lot of cognitive dissonance. On the one hand, we have both cognitive and emotionally conditioned ideas of what we should be, on the other hand, as we make our way through life, who and how we are surfaces.

i think we can discover our selves through self reflection, but we don't necessarily see our self clearly all the time. We also see our self when others reflect us, but they don't necessarily see us clearly all the time either.

i think what you may have with your husband is a combination. Not only does he remember what you told him, he's made it pretty clear that he likes that part of you. I.e., there is a part of him that likes and wants that part of you, independent of him just being accepting.

One of the most profound experiences i've ever had with a guy happened when He surfaced a part of me i didn't even know was there. If someone had tried to tell me it was there, i would have likely scoffed, yet He exposed, opened and surfaced it in me. i was in awe and thought about the experience a lot and figure there were two things at work: That there was a part of Him that discerned those things in me and He knew how to open and surface those things, but the other was His own need and desire... He wanted those things in me and His desire and want played a big role in bringing that out, opening me. He didn't make that part of me, but His wanting that gave me a sort of permission to be free to be that with Him.
i believe that a lot of people end up together because their is an unconscious part of us that is always there and it effects our decisions big time. i think perhaps the reason he was attracted to you in the first place is an unconscious part of himself discerned some of those unspoken things about you and he was naturally attracted. i wonder if you even have to fear coming out to him, and that you will actually discover he likes, and that maybe this is a part of you he has always been attracted to.

 

That is a very good observation, Tallslender. Your description of the man you had a profound experience with, sounds exactly, word for word, what happened when I met the girl that brought out my gayness. Before then, I thought I was boy crazy and disliked other girls.
Yes I think my husband could be accepting of my gayness. The idea that he could be attracted by that is quite interesting to me.
When a person likes you, I think they like all parts of you, even subconsciously. You could be quite right about that.
He started out a few years ago accusing me of being gay, teasing me about it, and I denied it. Then within the last couple of years, he amazed me by saying he thought I should get a girlfriend. This was after I had not talked about it for years. I was so stunned, I just pretended I had not heard him. I am just ready to come out to him yet. Stay tuned. Being on here and being able to share this has helped me deal with it.

 

Very interesting, MR. Thanks for sharing your stories. It seems like people can realize they have these feelings at any time in their life, I guess. For me, it was 16. My world changed in one day. I think for most people it happens gradually as it did for your wife.. Some just know by the time they are 14! After carrying around what I thought was my kinky secret for years, I find a lot of people think like I do. I am still learning about sex, now if only I could figure out how to improve my life!

 

I totally get this. I was similar, some girls I've been with have definitely been similar. Always straight, never thought about it until provoked to by someone else, for whatever reason went through with it, enjoyed it and then later the attraction comes, whether it has been there all along and just "unlocked" by the experience or whether it develops in response to a positive experience. It's cool, I used to be quite sure that my attraction to women was learned and not there all along, but now I'm just at the point where I don't think it matters anymore, it is what it is.

 

Right? We can come full circle with the wondering about why we are who and how we are, to a simple place of self acceptance. i think most, if not all, of the questioning derives from living in a world where hetero was long considered "normal" and everything else was an aberration. Straight people don't have an EC forum where they labor over the questions of why they are attracted to the opposite gender.

 

Yeah - you can definitely get to a point of acceptance about who you are without needing to understand why you are like you are. Maybe its easier for bisexuals too, because accepting a new attraction doesn't eliminate the old one. It's a complication, but doesn't necessarily alter where you see your life going, so its maybe less of an all-encompassing thing to have to acknowledge.

 

I got to a place of gratitude for my differences. It put in in a position of having to question, and i particular, helped me see the status quo is only one reality, not 'the' reality that it presents as. That changed me fundamentally into someone who looks at all of life differently, not just sexuality. It also helped transform me from a narrow, judgmental religious nut into a more open and accepting person... it makes it so much easier to accept others and genuinely get along. Being gay saved me from 'god' (vs the other way around).

 

i'm glad for places like EC, it helps not to be alone with our thoughts and feelings, that's a sort of solitary confinement. And, i will stay tuned, it's your journey and you get to control how and when you are open to anyone... that strikes me as healthy.

my read, and it is just that, a perspective from an outsider, is your husband sounds more than accepting of you being gay. From what you have written, he sounds maybe hopeful that you are gay, that he would like that part of you. He's the one who brings it up and, to me, him suggesting you get a girl friend is not even a nudge, it's a thrown open door. It just doesn't seem one sided or completely generous or altruistic from my read, i think there is a part of him that wants and likes that part of you... and probably always has, it's always been a part of his attraction to you. Of course, that is all pure speculation on my part, it just looks that way to this outsider, and i don't think it's out of the realm of possibility.

 

I can relate to that, too. I kind of enjoyed being "different", and I did not have the complication of being overly religious to start so that helped. I have said I didn't like girls before my change, and I have heard this is a common experience with lesbians. I saw them as competition for the boys and the competition and striving to be good-looking was fierce. It wasn't good for me. I didn't like myself in those days. After I changed, I started to understand and like women more - all women, not just gay ones. I became friendlier, more out-going. I would say it gave me more self-confidence, because I finally knew where I fit. I understood why there was always something wrong with the way I felt towards boys, not quite right, then I understood why, because the attraction I felt for women was more complete. In short, I think I became a better person, even my relatives noticed the change in me. And most important, I realized it was stupid to think that if I could only make myself pretty enough my relations with boys would be perfect. I stopped obsessing about my looks and realized that being kind to people and loving was the way to have relationships. I am not a butch but I do believe that lesbians do not fuss with their looks as much as straight women, we know that how you treat people is more important. I don't worry much about style, makeup or the latest clothes. What a relief. In return, I accept other women the way they are. No makeup or fantastic figure is required!

 

I appreciate your advice. The strange part is that I have always been OK with it. I didn't have much confusion or dismay. For a while I thought I might be bisexual because I still had attraction to men, but later clarified my thinking. I was in the closet for a long time. During that time I did not want to admit my sexuality to anyone. Later I confided to two lesbian friends that I had. Actually one was bisexual but her feelings for me were just as strong as the lesbian was. I was not willing to act though and they knew that. Now I am basically out to everyone except my family and people who know my family. I don't shout it from rooftops and never will, but I am quite open about it. I see no need to hide it.