1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Update, I guess

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Spot, Aug 14, 2017.

  1. Spot

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2015
    Messages:
    949
    Likes Received:
    84
    Location:
    Wonderland
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I haven't posted on here in ages...I've just been caught up in schoolwork and my depression has gotten really bad to the point where I've been completely unmotivated. Anyway, I decided to post I in this particular subforum because, well, I'm not talking about any particular topic. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest and maybe get some advice.

    I've decided to take a break from all this gender stuff. Last time I posted, I said I was questioning it all after confessing to my friends that I had a crush on a girl. I also accidentally admitted that I looked up to the male gender and aspired to be like them, it just came out even though I didn't intend on saying that. All of a sudden, everyone seemed to expect me to be masculine and to take up a 'male role' in the relationship (even if I didn't really want to). And that seemed to lessen my dysphoria significantly? And it felt like maybe I'd be okay. I still don't know, I still struggle to understand where and how I fit into this world. For now, my profile lists my gender as 'Other' as in Questioning because I just don't want to think too much about it this time. In some ways, it feels freeing, not having all the weight of transition on my shoulders but at the same time, I wonder if I'm avoiding it. I'm going to try and make an appointment with a psychiatrist to see whether or not I 'qualify' for a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria and to see what my options are. I still go by Colin online...it's a name I feel comfortable with, since I've never felt comfortable with my birth name.

    Okay. I did come out to my mom...of course, I mean I opened up about my sexuality. I didn't bother talking about gender, I thought maybe I'd just deal with it as it comes and if it gets any harder, I'll mention it to her. She wasn't totally unsupportive but she's terrible at being supportive...I know that's hard to understand, it's like she says she's okay with it but is deep in the bargaining phase...and she really wants me to get with a guy but hopefully she'll come around. But like my friends, it's like she gets my desire to dress masculine now. She's still trying to make me wear female clothes but she doesn't seem too pushy about it. I want to ask her for a binder but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I mean, it took me over an hour to work up the courage to come out to her and I'm still not over it. It's going to be harder, asking for a binder.

    So, remember I said I had a crush on a girl earlier? Well, it's not the straight girl I mentioned in some of my older threads. Looking back, that girl wasn't all too nice. I feel like she used me because she knew I'd do anything for her and she never seemed to respect the guys she dated anyway. And she was homophobic and transphobic so...there's that. At the same time, I was really awkward with flirting and conversation so it probably wouldn't have gotten far even without all those other problems. Even though it still hurts a little to think about her, I like a different girl now and she's amazing. She's bisexual and single so that's a good start. But she's just so beautiful and she actually wants me around, she's so loving and funny and just...free, if that's makes sense. I mean, she doesn't let other people box her in and she's just full of life. I feel like maybe she might even want to be more than friends. Luckily, this time I'm better at flirting and reading social cues. At least I have the experiences from the last girl, I know what I'm doing this time. Kind of. I'm scared of messing it up all the time though. Even if I don't do something stupid, I'm afraid that one day, I'll be too much to handle? I mean with possibly being transgender, my depression and anxiety, my processing issues, etc, etc. I feel like I lost my old crush, I don't want to lose this girl too.

    And I've decided I can't be a Christian anymore. The school camp I went on was supposed to bring me closer to God but all it did was pull me away. To be honest, I can't imagine why a God would even make me question my gender, why I'd be made to hate my body, why I would be 'cursed' with same-sex attractions while others weren't. And why He'd make me so stupid with my learning disability, where I have to work hard just to barely pass with a C- when others are so incredibly gifted. But then there's bigger things. I know it sounds harsh but going to the church and seeing people relying on sign language for communication, being wheelchair-bound, etc, I even know someone who comes from a large family where he and a number of his siblings are diagnosed with varying degrees of ASD...and I couldn't imagine why these disorders couldn't just be 'healed.' And it's not like I think it's a bad thing to be disabled but if God could make them able-bodied, why wouldn't He? I started talking with some Wiccans whilst on camp, one in particular shared his story with me, how he came to find his faith and I was really intrigued. There was also one kid who was a LaVeyan Satanist and I have to say...I was a little interested in that too. So I got a copy of the Satanic Bible and I started researching Wicca more. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore, to be honest.

    Every day now, I think about suicide. And I mean, my self-harm has gotten to the point where I keep a pencil sharpener blade under my bed 'just in case.' It's just hard seeing a purpose anymore. I don't know what I'm doing after I graduate, in three months. And even though I'm not a Christian anymore, my school counselor is trying to convert me back. I'm secretly hoping that I'll become some sort of 'ex-gay' but I doubt it, I've felt the attractions and I know it must be real love. The love I have for this girl is the only thing really keeping me alive, I want to be alive for her and keep making her happy but sometimes I wonder if she'll be better off without me. I know this whole post went from kind of optimistic to downright depressing but like I said, my thoughts are all over the place...
     
  2. Confusedmoose

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2016
    Messages:
    389
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey,

    Firstly, it is totally okay to take a break in regards to figuring out your gender identity. Any type of questioning takes time and the truth will reveal itself with time. I also think that it is great that you are going to try and make an appointment with a psychiatrist. The fact that your mom isn't totally non-supportive is a good thing-- remember it takes parents time to process as well. I'm sure with time she will become more supportive.

    It sounds like this new girl and you connect pretty well. I know that you are afraid that you'll mess it all up, but if you don't try you'll never know. Is it worth never having a relationship with her because you are too afraid that one day you might lose her? Just take it slow and see what happens. If she is right for you, you won't be too much to handle (believe me I feel that way with my boyfriend a lot and we're still going strong after a year and a half).

    I know that it may seem like you have no purpose but you definitely do! You are getting close to graduation. That is a hard time for anyone not to mention all the other things you are going through. BUT self-harm is never the answer.

    Anyway I hope at least some of this post helped in some way. If you ever need to talk, I am here to listen.