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Update/confession time

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Justasking100, Nov 9, 2016.

  1. Justasking100

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    Well this year has been one hell of a journey, i thought i'd write on here given people have previously been so kind in offering words of support.
    You may have noticed my status changing as i've been through a lot in the past year.
    I was pretty sure i was gay for a long time, having previously been told by several psych's and therapists that i had ocd.
    i was sure they were wrong and that i was right.
    so i came out to loads of people including my female partner and pursued a gay lifestyle, got a boyfriend and tried to be happy but it didnt work. i wasnt happy living that way, i certainly wasnt comfortable at all with the sexual side of things, and slowly but surely i've come round to the fact that i'm not gay.
    A few things have helped me along the way.
    - whilst being 'gay' i found myself in gay nightclubs chasing women, wanting to be around them, trying to hook up with them.
    - i've been to visit a gay sauna, and whilst it was ok, i found myself and the penises around me off putting.
    - i've found myself in straight lapdancing bars and got really turned on by a dancer there
    -i've found myself looking at lesbian porn and got my self aroused (i know porn isnt a great indicator of orientation but it does tell you something) and i've never gotten aroused by gay porn.
    - i get gay thoughts that come to me and my reaction is to wince or to cringe (sorry don't mean to offend anyone by that) and i have quite a visceral reaction to them, even retching at times.
    - i've met and subsequently slept with a woman with quite a lot of ease in recent months
    - i've been sexual with men, but found it uncomfrotable and couldnt get aroused
    - when i did i had to think of a woman to get through esp when i was in a shower with my bf at the time (sorry if too much information)
    - i know that sexual turn on is not completly the be all and end all of sexual orientation but its a good start
    - i've found that my depression has lifted a little since i've been doing 'straight' things and fantisising about women again
    - i've had really enjoyable times (some sexual) with my ex and we are talking about possibly getting back together
    - i cant even bring myself to fantasise about men, it doesnt seem to work anymore - and more often than not i turn to hetero fantasies to get the job done.
    so its been a very eventful year and though i came out and i'm now having to deal with the 'erm, you know how i told you i was gay, well i kinda got that wrong and i'm straight'. kinda awkward and embarrasing.

    i almost wish i was gay, but i dont think i am :bang: all this struggle for nothing.

    but two things have happened - i'm now really good friend with my ex bf, i've met some lovely people along the way and i'm way more supportive of LGBT rights than i ever was.

    so unless my denial is deep deep deep down, i'm fairly sure i'm straight.

    thanks for reading and i'd welcome any comments that you have.
     
  2. Linkmaste

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    You know, it takes a lot of courage to do this and I believe I'm speaking on behalf of a lot of people here that were proud of you.

    Being straight is okay and it's great that you took the time to find your sexuality. I think this will break barriers down more that for straight people it's okay to have second thoughts.

    Don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong or just hiding yourseld I'f you believe you're straight. In the end, you and you alone will come to that conclusion.

    Were happy for you and we apperciate your update.

    What I might ask is that you continue to ally with lgbtq communities since you are a great asset. Your experience will help loads of others-trust me.
     
  3. Justasking100

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    Linkmaste - what a lovely post to read, thank you. i wasnt sure if my post would come across as kind of gloating, but i really do have really fond opinions of those in the LBGT community now and you've really been nice to me with your post. thanks xx
     
  4. hexamum

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    All I can say is....How many people have been full circle in order to say they are straight??! So many people are so quick to say of *course* I am straight!!
    You can now say....Yes, I *am* straight.
    It's taken a lot of soul searching, well done you x
     
  5. Patrick7269

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    I'm glad that you've gone through this journey to find out who you are! Perhaps the angst you've felt is that you wanted to label something that's really difficult to label. That angst isn't necessarily an indication that you aren't straight, it just means that you had unresolved fantasies and a need to explore. I hope you are comfortable with yourself and whatever label you use is a comfortable one.

    *warm hugs*

    Patrick
     
  6. Justasking100

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    thanks patrick i found i was trying to fit a label rather than have a label fit me, gay just didnt do it for me
     
  7. faustian1

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    You're not the only one who is learning something. What you've written is very informative for me. I've learned a lot of things reading threads at EC. Thanks for sharing this "diagnostic adventure" with us. My understanding of human sexuality keeps increasing with the help of threads like this.
     
  8. findingjoy

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    thanks for sharing your story. I do believe OCD and porn addictions can distort or confuse people's orientation.

    So what led you to think you were gay, if you were put off by fantasizing -- or did that that just change once you started to try to do it in real life.

    This is a big fear of mine, but it seems hard to believe it would happen considering how intensely I fantasize about men.
     
  9. SiennaFire

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    Thanks for the follow up post and congratulations on finding clarity about your orientation. I know that it's been a difficult and challenging journey for you.
     
    #9 SiennaFire, Nov 9, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2016
  10. Chip

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    Seems pretty clear you are straight. I hear nothing in your story that would imply otherwise. It takes courage to explore as you have, and to talk about it. Congratulations on taking those steps.
     
  11. I'm gay

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    It's not often we get to congratulate someone for figuring out that they're straight. (!)

    No matter the end result of our unique journeys, the point is helping us all to live as our best authentic selves. That's for you too!

    We didn't lose a member of the LGBT community, we gained another ally.

    I hope you stay with us and continue to post. Your voice matters.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  12. Justasking100

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    Indeed you did gain an allay imgay. It was the reality of being sexual with a man and all the bits that come with it. I didn't like pleasuring a man in the end and realised I preferred making a woman orgasm than a man. I found that kissing a man was too 'masculine' for me