This thread feels like forever ago: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...se-who-have-had-a-terminal-ill-parent.453303/. Everything, yet nothing seems to have changed. The good news: Except for certain things bringing back a shit ton of memories, this doesn't plague me nearly as much as it did in March. Three months ago, the testing showed that she was the same as in late December/January. That's basically what the doctors said, if the medication didn't work, she'd have about a few weeks, but even if it did, the best we could hope for is that her condition stays the same. Then about a week ago she did tests again, and the doctor said that "the tests would indicate that there was a slight reduction in the cancer (in whatever part of the body, but the cancer is still basically everywhere)". I honestly don't feel normal about this, like I'm emotionally fried and just can't feel anything but pain. I don't want her to die, but I honestly don't feel any better. It'd probably make everybody else feel more optimistic about the future, but I don't feel any better and she seems the same to me. I just feel so emotionally done, even though I feel like I should be feeling better now. But I still wouldn't trust her to do a bunch of things, like drive. I'm not quite sure why, but I ended up snapping and bitching for a few hours to this girl in a few of my classes and did assignments with. After that, I feel like we've become a lot more vulnerable with each other and I'd consider her my only irl friend. She, her few other friends (that I sometimes hang out with, with her) and even her family know that I'm gay. I've come out in the past, but its always something that just got swept under the rug. Even though its not a conversation staple, for the first time I feel like it's completely normal and completely okay to mention sexuality/guy related stuff around. As I said, I feel like situations are improving for me, but I still feel like shit. I just feel so shitty and empty, even though things have gotten better. I honestly think that being out to my only irl and her friends has made me feel worse -chilling with them is always good, but 99% of the time I'm not with them, I'm just feeling empty, irritated, or both. I have deeply considered just coming out to my parents (even though at the very at least my dad is a homophobic bitch), coming out to one friend that moved away, then just posting it on facebook or something. Mentally I'm picturing pain being like a plateau, and regardless of their reaction, I'd either still feel the same shittyness or hopefully better. But at the same time, or as long as I remember, my parents are good people but have no interest in having a anything more than superficial relationship with me and always try to subtely push what would make them happy to see me do, rather than what would actually make me happy (even if its painfully obvious by my lack of interest that I don't want to do whatever they think I should). I realize that several things I've said thus far contradict, or at least contrast with other things I've said lol. I'd say that went well and I had gotten to the point where opening was less difficult for me. I'm not sure if things like coming out to gabby and her circle, or just being more open in general would have been possible without seeing a therapist. The last two or so sessions went well and I was making improvements at a rapid rate. Nothing was getting worse and I was starting to feel better. It's been 3 or 4 weeks since I last went. I had appointments every second week. He was going on a 2 week vacation a week after our appointment...so he should be back or coming back soon and I've been considering going back. The last session he was really trying to wrap things up - I was seeming to be doing better, but he was saying stuff like "We'd see how things are in the Fall" (when school starts, the therapy is through school) and if things got worse or whatever I'd be welcome back - it wasn't like the door was permanently shutting. I just don't feel like I have a right to go back because none of the situations got worse (in fact situations have gotten better, which makes me think I have some sort of other unknown mental problem). Not sure if emotional enabling exits, but I don't want to do that. I feel like running to a therapist or popping a Prozac rather than dealing with my problems myself would be enabling me not to fix things? I don't know if that makes sense or not. But I went for 5 months. Also not sure what he was implying about the Fall, if he was just assuming the rest of the summer would stay the same or he was busy until the Fall or what.
Seeing a therapist or taking antidepressants isn't running away from your problems. Just the opposite. It gives you fuel in your emotional reserve so you can take them on. You're going through a lot, and you shouldn't go it alone with an empty tank of internal resolve.
