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Unwanted crush, help!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by HappyGirlLucky, Jul 27, 2016.

  1. HappyGirlLucky

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    TL;DR: In love with best friend. Unintentionally super obvious about it. Send help!

    So as some of you may know, I have a huge crush on my straight best friend who is in a long term relationship and now it has gotten really bad. Like, I-wrote-a-song-about-her bad. We are going to spend a few days together starting tomorrow and we are going to get drunk at least one of those days. We always hang out just the two of us because we have most fun that way, so it will be just she and I this entire time.

    I am really worried about what might happen when we get drunk. I have gotten tipsy with her before since the crush got kind of bad and it makes it more difficult to push back my feelings for her, but celebrating-her-birthday drunk? That just can't end well. Last time we had just a few drinks I ended up touching her hair very gently and, while looking into her eyes, pulled a few stray strands out of her mouth by slowly running my fingers across her cheek without really thinking about what I was doing. If I am that obvious while tipsy, how bad is drunk going to get?

    I can't let her find out how I feel because I don't want to ruin our friendship, especially since I will be her only friend in a new city soon. I only want her to be happy and she is that already with her boyfriend, who is a really great guy who treats her really well and they are awesome together and I hope they stay together forever. But I am terrible at not being super obvious when I like someone when I am sober, and apparently much worse when alcohol is involved, so what do I do now?

    I mean I can't not drink because that would be weird, especially since it's her birthday. I also want to drink with her, because we always have so much fun together. I wish there was a crush-b-gone pill or something, even if it only worked for one night at a time.

    Any advice or similar stories to share or something? Maybe just a hug? I will take anything right now... :frowning2:
     
    #1 HappyGirlLucky, Jul 27, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2016
  2. RosePetals76

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    Maybe go up to the bar to order the drinks, and order virgin drinks for yourself? Then you'll look like you're drinking with her, but still be in control? I don't know. I'm not a big drinker because I can't srand feeling out of control like that.
     
  3. HappyGirlLucky

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    We tend to get drunk at home where we get to pick the music and just talk and hang out without anyone interfering, so this trick won't work. But thanks for the advice, I will keep it in mind if we end up going out anyway! :slight_smile:
     
  4. CapColors

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    Oh honey. Don't get drunk, man.

    And find a girlfriend, stat, before you DO ruin your friendship. The best this can end is with hurting both of you guys only a little bit.

    Take it from me!
     
  5. FoxSong

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    *hug*

    Ah Jeez - yeah, this is tough. Getting drunk with her will probably get more touchy-feely than you intend it to unless your self control is uber good. And then it will probably be weird the next day. Deep breaths. Remind yourself that feeling that way isn't necessarily a problem (you can't help who you love), the only thing that would be a problem in this particular situation would be acting on it. You might be able to get away with the brushing hair out of face thing :grin:

    And don't worry, you're not alone in being revoltingly super obvious about it when you like someone. I have, on occasion, been known to become a blush-y school-girl mess around a girl I like - to the point I actually had to start avoiding her, lol.
     
  6. HappyGirlLucky

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    Uh oh! Have you been in a similar situation? I really don't want to hurt her at all, I would rather I hurt a lot and she doesn't hurt at all in that case. This is all kind of my fault after all. :/

    Right now I live in a place with like no openly gay or bi people at all and I will be stuck here for another 6 or so months, so I have to somehow make this go away without getting a girlfriend too. :frowning2:

    My self-control can be a little lacking when drunk... :eusa_shif But I don't think I can avoid getting drunk with her entirely, I just have to drink really slowly and decide that I can't touch her at all unless she initiates. We are both quite touchy-feely normally too, so we hug and touch a lot, which really does not help at all with my feelings. :lol: I think I managed to get away with that hair thing because it was a one-time thing and because we are so close, but if I manage to do something similar again it could become weird.

    Good to know I am not alone in my awkwardness lol! I hope you weren't too close?

    Thanks for the hug! (*hug*)
     
  7. 2dragons

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    You can drink without getting drunk. Pace yourself, drink water as well. Can you offer to be designated driver or something? I agree with Capcolors....this will more likely end ill than well if you get drunk.
     
  8. AmyBee

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    Yeah, drink a LOT of water and also make sure you eat. Try to keep the drunkyness to a minimum! I really feel for you because I've totally been there and it did NOT end well, although we managed to piece our friendship back together. I would not wish that on anyone!
     
  9. Jjanon

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    When my wife was pregnant and we weren't telling people she would walk around at parties and go to the bathroom or kitchen and dump small bits out of her drinks. So just go to the other room to get chips and dip out some. Or go to the bathroom and dump out some more. Change the music, some more. And when you make drinks, make yours way weaker.

    Also drink a lot of water and eat a ton beforehand.(*hug*)
     
  10. LostInDaydreams

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    I don't drink at all, so no practical advice. Like RosePetals, I don't like being out of control.

    But have a hug. (*hug*)

    Hope it goes well, and have a good time (but not too good). :slight_smile:
     
    #10 LostInDaydreams, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  11. CapColors

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    Yes, I have. My strategy was the same as yours (I hurt a lot, keep it secret, keep going somehow). It backfired. I would have done better to tell her earlier and keep more distance. I have a few threads on it, warning for sad. Here's the latest: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/210422-sad-ending-my-trigger-crush.html

    You can meet an internet girlfriend! Get on a f/f dating site and flirt like hell. It'll help, I swear. Anything to draw away your attention from her will make it easier on you both in the end...
     
    #11 CapColors, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  12. HappyGirlLucky

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    Thank you all for your wonderful support and advice!

    Day 1 went really well actually, we got a little drunk but I had little problem keeping myself fully in check the entire time. We just had a lot of fun as friends! I think coming here and letting it all out really helped. :slight_smile: I feel more ready for Saturday now which is when her birthday is and when we are probably getting even more drunk.

    Holy cr*p, Cap!! Really sorry that you had to go through that! (*hug*) My best friend knows I am gay at least and is super supportive of it, she points out cute girls and jokes about me and this security guard at her job hooking up by getting me arrested. :lol:

    I think I really need to take your advice on at least finding some women to flirt with though even if it is only online, just so all my energy isn't focused on her. I have done the LDR thing in the past and it's not really for me, but I would rather end up in one of those than lose my best friend.
     
  13. HappyGirlLucky

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    I ended up getting what I asked for. At some point last night we ended up talking about being in love with friends. I told her nothing about my feelings for her of course, but she confessed to me that she had been in love with one of her ex best friends previously but would have never done anything with her despite that. This just completely broke my heart, because it made it all that much more clear that not only could I never give her what she needs even if she were single, she has felt much more for another woman than she does for me. That old friend of hers was not exactly always a good person either.

    I know it is completely ridiculous that I would feel so heartbroken and jealous over this, but at least it did change the way I feel about her. I feel like we just broke up last night even though there was nothing to actually break up, and we are still friends and she has no idea anything has changed. I feel like cr*p right now, but I am still happy we had that talk last night so I can go through this and hopefully move on. I could really use some hugs though. :frowning2:
     
  14. RosePetals76

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    Here's a hug for you. *hug*
    I'm sorry you feel so bad right now. Hopefully the knowing can lead to healing and moving past this onto something better.
     
  15. HappyGirlLucky

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    Thanks Rose! (*hug*) I really do think this was for the best even though it sucks right now.
     
  16. dirtyshirt84

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    Big *hugs* to you, I can't imagine how painful and heart breaking that must feel. You seem like you have dealt with it as well as you can though, I find it so hard to hide my feelings.

    Is your friend Bi then? (Sorry if you mentioned that before but don't think I saw it anywhere). Why would she never have done anything even though she loved her?

    Somehow I have managed to avoid ever falling for any of my close friends, who knows how, having a work crush was bad enough.

    Hopefully better things are around the corner.
     
  17. LostInDaydreams

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    Sorry you're feeling very low right now. (*hug*) As RosePetals says, hopefully this will help you move on.
     
  18. HappyGirlLucky

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    Thank you dirtyshirt84 and NotMyName! *hugs*

    I am feeling a bit better today after getting some actual sleep. I talked to her and we are going to hang out tomorrow again, which makes me a bit nervous about how I will feel around her. Just talking to her today made me feel really anxious, but perhaps it will be better when she is here in person? She tends to have a very calming effect on me when she is around.

    dirtyshirt84: She is straight. She just said she was in love with her friend but not sexually attracted to her. I guess it's the reverse of the closeted lesbian married to a man? Except there was no pressure to marry her friend to seem normal. :lol: I hope you can keep avoiding falling for close friends, because it is not fun. On the other hand I can imagine a work crush would be just as bad, because you have to be around her every day and it could mess up your career. I guess unrequited crushes always just plain suck. Did you ever get over her?
     
  19. LostInDaydreams

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    Glad to hear you're feeling a little bit better. Hope all goes well tomorrow.
     
  20. dirtyshirt84

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    I'm getting there I think but not quite there yet. Its just hard and going to take longer I think because I see her everyday. I hope I can be her actual genuine friend but I know I need to wait until I don't have feelings for her anymore. She was super nice when I told her I was Bi, so that was cool at least. Its just a bit of a painful situation for me because I'm married and she has a long term gf.

    Hope it goes well tomorrow, glad you are feeling better about it anyway. I'm sure once you see her in person it will be fine.