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Unsure

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Qing, Jul 11, 2018.

  1. Qing

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2018
    Messages:
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    Location:
    ohio
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi Everyone,

    Just a warning, this may be a long post. I have been having a difficult time processing my thoughts on whether or not I am transgender and while I know the answer most people will give me is to see a therapist, I just am hoping for your interpretation of the information that I am disclosing and what your personal opinion is aside from seeing a therapist. ( i have seen a therapist before)

    I will try to make this brief by jumping strait to the facts. From the age of 9 I can remember going to bed at night and imagining that I would wake up as a girl with large breasts. I am not trying to sound too perverse, but that was an important detail to me back then and so I didn't want to leave out the large breasts part. I had a poster card of a beautiful woman in a bikini hanging up right next to my pillow on the wall and I would go to sleep dreaming about becoming like her.

    At age 13 I saw Dr Jekyl and Mrs. Hyde and I thought it was so great to have a potion that would transform me into a woman like Dr. Jekyl did, but it was also highly arousing to me. This is the part that still confuses me today. I am very aroused about becoming a woman, but an attractive woman. I think even an average attractiveness would be great. But I know I do not want to become a woman if I am going to be ugly and look like a man in a dress. I started trying on my sisters clothes, dresses and everything when noone was home. I loved the way they felt.

    At age 14 I started researching transsexualism at the public library and this was in the 90s so it wasn't as publicly accepted as it is now I made a promise to myself that when I turned 18 I was going to transition. I would often imagine myself through out these years as becoming a woman and it was the primary thing that aroused me. Sexuality has always been at the center of becoming a woman for me, I think. Then I got into drugs and I started trying to be cool and I did desire to have a girlfriend and maybe even a true love.

    Once I found drugs can help me to imagine being a woman, I started taking drugs like extacy and spending the night by myself imagining that I was a woman. So this is why I am wondering if my desire is just sexually motivated. When I did become an adult and had my own place. I was exploring transgender more and more online, even got close to scheduling an appointment with a therapist, but then I read all of the Harry Benjamin standards of care and it scared me off. I remember thinking, maybe this is all just a big mistake. What if I do this and it turns out horrible? I look like a man with boobs and no genitals. How could I talk to my dad ever if I went down this road and the rest of my family? My dad is a marine by the way. I think if did go down this road I would cut off my family from my life. I would not want to have to deal with the rejection at the same time as transitioning.

    I ended up losing myself in drugs throughout my 20s. The thoughts never went away, but again it was all centered around sexuality of being a woman and when I was done being aroused I would feel guilty and like something was wrong with me.

    I got sober when i was 30 and I got married when I was 33. I have been married every since. Well, the desires never went away and I feared that if I don't start transitioning now I might regret it when I finally get the courage to when I am 50. or if I decide to later. I saw a therapist and went on hormones stealth, even from my wife. I know that its terrible that I didnt even tell my wife, but its so scary to do and I thought I would just try hormones out and see if I liked it, before I told anyone.

    I went on hormones for 3 weeks and then stopped taking them, because I was scared of losing my wife, who i do love, and my family. Then feelings of doubt would come as well. Will I even make a passing woman? Why am I really doing this? Is it just a fetish? But then why has it went on since I was a child?

    Regarding the hormones effects, I liked the way my skin started to feel so soft and was excited about the changes that would come, but they did make my head foggy, and I was irritable, and weak feeling. I may not have had the right dosage, but I was also scared of becoming permanently unable to experience sexual pleasure.

    Well, about 6 months later, I had my prescriptions still and I decided to start taking them again. That lasted a couple weeks before the old feelings arose again of doubt and fear and questioning my intentions.

    Now, I am 36 and came close to making an appointment again to get on hrt then stopped myself at the last minute. I just don't know if this is really me. I think I enjoy life enough to not transition. I read somewhere that if you can find joy in life and its not absolutely necessary that you shouldn't transition, but what if its a repressed desire and it comes out when I am 60. I don't want to lose my wife and I really think that it is just a sexual fantasy. I am pretty sure. And I know it is so terrible to not tell my wife, but I wanted to be sure before I ruined my relationship. I do love her.

    Can anyone please share their opinion on this?
     
    RogerM likes this.
  2. DreamerAsh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2018
    Messages:
    206
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    Location:
    Oklahoma
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Firstly the arousal thing to me. Sounds like you may just be a cross dresser. But, I'm not sure. As it could be that you are trans and are mistaking your arousal for gender euphoria. But, it sounds like until you manage your fears and doubts you won't be able to do either cross dress, nor transition. That's the most important thing right now. Managing what's in your head. If, you can't do that, then you won't be able to truly see what would make you happiest.

    As for your wife, that's a difficult situation to handle. There are a few people here that would understand how the changes could affect your relationship. But, overall you have to do what would make you happiest, and if your wife loves you in the end, she will support you. If, you choose to pursue this though, try to be understanding of how she feels as well. You might perhaps wind up being friends instead of married as she may not be interested in being with a woman. But, she will still be in your life and that's an important thing to focus on.

    Perhaps try to decide how far you would like to transition. Would you like to do drag? (Cross dressing) Would you like top surgery? Bottom surgery? Would you like them both? Do you enjoy being a woman, or being seen as a woman? This is important as being a woman is temporary, being seen as a woman is permanent almost irreversible. It's something that would stick. As surgery is something you can't reverse. You shouldn't do it unless you are absolutely certain where your heart lies.

    Try cross dressing a bit, maybe even buy trans gear to help you pass as a woman and go someplace people don't know you and get a wig perhaps (if, your hair isn't long) and try to pass there as a woman such as at a restaurant, or a bar. And invent a name for your female self and have people refer to you by she/her/hers. See how you feel about that. Perhaps that'll help you find your way to understanding yourself, by doing so. If, not keep mulling the idea over in your head.
     
    RogerM likes this.
  3. RogerM

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2018
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    Location:
    Long Island, New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    IMHO, first thing you should do is to figure out a way to bring your wife into fold. If she is anything like my wife, she’s the one who will be your support system no matter what you decide. She also deserves to be told. I came out to my wife a few months ago and it was scary as hell but it was also the best thing I’ve ever done. In any case, I wish you luck and above all else, happiness.
     
  4. AshDee

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2018
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    Location:
    Just over your left shoulder
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My only advice is that maybe you should see a gender specialist. Go to gender-specific therapy sessions. Let someone who knows what they're talking about (unlike me) help you.