Hi Everyone, Just a warning, this may be a long post. I have been having a difficult time processing my thoughts on whether or not I am transgender and while I know the answer most people will give me is to see a therapist, I just am hoping for your interpretation of the information that I am disclosing and what your personal opinion is aside from seeing a therapist. ( i have seen a therapist before) I will try to make this brief by jumping strait to the facts. From the age of 9 I can remember going to bed at night and imagining that I would wake up as a girl with large breasts. I am not trying to sound too perverse, but that was an important detail to me back then and so I didn't want to leave out the large breasts part. I had a poster card of a beautiful woman in a bikini hanging up right next to my pillow on the wall and I would go to sleep dreaming about becoming like her. At age 13 I saw Dr Jekyl and Mrs. Hyde and I thought it was so great to have a potion that would transform me into a woman like Dr. Jekyl did, but it was also highly arousing to me. This is the part that still confuses me today. I am very aroused about becoming a woman, but an attractive woman. I think even an average attractiveness would be great. But I know I do not want to become a woman if I am going to be ugly and look like a man in a dress. I started trying on my sisters clothes, dresses and everything when noone was home. I loved the way they felt. At age 14 I started researching transsexualism at the public library and this was in the 90s so it wasn't as publicly accepted as it is now I made a promise to myself that when I turned 18 I was going to transition. I would often imagine myself through out these years as becoming a woman and it was the primary thing that aroused me. Sexuality has always been at the center of becoming a woman for me, I think. Then I got into drugs and I started trying to be cool and I did desire to have a girlfriend and maybe even a true love. Once I found drugs can help me to imagine being a woman, I started taking drugs like extacy and spending the night by myself imagining that I was a woman. So this is why I am wondering if my desire is just sexually motivated. When I did become an adult and had my own place. I was exploring transgender more and more online, even got close to scheduling an appointment with a therapist, but then I read all of the Harry Benjamin standards of care and it scared me off. I remember thinking, maybe this is all just a big mistake. What if I do this and it turns out horrible? I look like a man with boobs and no genitals. How could I talk to my dad ever if I went down this road and the rest of my family? My dad is a marine by the way. I think if did go down this road I would cut off my family from my life. I would not want to have to deal with the rejection at the same time as transitioning. I ended up losing myself in drugs throughout my 20s. The thoughts never went away, but again it was all centered around sexuality of being a woman and when I was done being aroused I would feel guilty and like something was wrong with me. I got sober when i was 30 and I got married when I was 33. I have been married every since. Well, the desires never went away and I feared that if I don't start transitioning now I might regret it when I finally get the courage to when I am 50. or if I decide to later. I saw a therapist and went on hormones stealth, even from my wife. I know that its terrible that I didnt even tell my wife, but its so scary to do and I thought I would just try hormones out and see if I liked it, before I told anyone. I went on hormones for 3 weeks and then stopped taking them, because I was scared of losing my wife, who i do love, and my family. Then feelings of doubt would come as well. Will I even make a passing woman? Why am I really doing this? Is it just a fetish? But then why has it went on since I was a child? Regarding the hormones effects, I liked the way my skin started to feel so soft and was excited about the changes that would come, but they did make my head foggy, and I was irritable, and weak feeling. I may not have had the right dosage, but I was also scared of becoming permanently unable to experience sexual pleasure. Well, about 6 months later, I had my prescriptions still and I decided to start taking them again. That lasted a couple weeks before the old feelings arose again of doubt and fear and questioning my intentions. Now, I am 36 and came close to making an appointment again to get on hrt then stopped myself at the last minute. I just don't know if this is really me. I think I enjoy life enough to not transition. I read somewhere that if you can find joy in life and its not absolutely necessary that you shouldn't transition, but what if its a repressed desire and it comes out when I am 60. I don't want to lose my wife and I really think that it is just a sexual fantasy. I am pretty sure. And I know it is so terrible to not tell my wife, but I wanted to be sure before I ruined my relationship. I do love her. Can anyone please share their opinion on this?