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Unsure if I’m attracted to men

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by relatunsur, Jul 28, 2022.

  1. relatunsur

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    Hi I’ve made posts on here before where I’ve outlined thoughts that I might be gay. These thoughts stemmed from the fact that when engaging sexually with girls I’m usually unable to maintain an erection or reach orgasm for quite a while with them. I never really questioned before that point but my expectation of myself to be a minute man meant that I thought something must be wrong.

    I’ve gone round in circles for year confirming it as Performance Anxiety (I have always been anxious regarding sex and was raised to think women did not want sex so there is real guilt and worry about my partner when enjoying it) and then wondering if this is the case or if I am acc gay, a theory which I often tested by making myself think of gay sexual acts such as giving blowjobs. At first it would do nothing for me but I would think about it more and more and have to check my reaction more and more.

    Growing up I never doubted my sexuality and had gfs/fancied girls/kissed girls etc although I was often called gay since I was not very good at football. (Ofc there is more to being gay than football ability but kids are stupid) I am aware that sexuality can be very deeply repressed and people can realise at a much later date.

    Recently I have had another period in which I am occupied with this worry a lot and I find I think about it more if I have not masturbated in a few days. When I think about gay sexual acts I do not get an erection but I get a tingling feeling and like a feeling of pressure in my testicles and a warm tingling feeling in my upper arms like my tricep area. It is always the same and I cannot tell whether this is an arousal or anxiety response and I cannot find anywhere on the internet a similar description. If I think of a girl or look at porn of girls then I get an erection and a different feeling but if I’m gay then maybe the feeling I get for guys is the real arousal. I have seen gay porn and my response to it is not as consistent to lesbian/straight porn but I have been able to get hard and reach orgasm watching gay porn.

    I’ve started thinking of sexual situations with almost every guy I see in the street and it sometimes produces the response outlined above and sometimes gets no response. I keep thinking I want to test out my sexuality by experimenting. I have sometimes downloaded ###### but am not really attracted to the reality of the act when an opportunity presents itself on there, nor have I met a guy that I’ve wanted to experiment with.

    Throughout all of this it feels as though my feelings towards women are deadened bc I am preoccupied with figuring out how I feel toward them. I am scared of entertaining any possible relationship no matter how much I get on with the person in question in case I am gay and am leading them on in bad faith, or because I think sex will go wrong again.
     
  2. PrettyBoyBlue

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    Hi Relatunsur, I think what you wrote above is notable. Your disposition towards men doesn't seem to quite reach the level of "instinct," if you know what I mean? With everything you wrote, I wouldn't necessarily think that you're gay.

    You've mentioned possible performance anxiety, and now this new anxiety.. Honestly, I'm wondering if you find yourself feeling anxious in general most days? If so, it seems like it might be interfering with your ability to relax, to get off, and just generally enjoy yourself with it. You previously posted about being treated for anxiety... do you have any updates on that? Or what you might have learned since then?

    There are others on here that have much more knowledge and experience with that though; I'm hoping they can share their thoughts with you.
    -PBB
     
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  3. BiGemini87

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    Hello, @relatunsur.

    I'm inclined to agree with PBB: I don't get the impression that you're gay at all, but that you dealing with so much anxiety might be skewing your perspective. Strictly speaking, porn isn't the best way to ascertain one's sexuality, because it's whole purpose is to cause arousal. Of course there are varying degrees and your mental state can impact it, but putting it plainly? Your instincts and your fantasies without visual aid are a much more reliable means of figuring things out. You don't sound like you're instinctually drawn to men, so my focus would be more on your performance (and the resulting anxiety) with women. Your attraction/feelings for them seems natural, from what you've stated here, so even if we could be certain of your attraction to men (which we're not), we can at least rule out you being gay.

    Believe it or not, performance anxiety is incredibly common, especially for men. Even young men--perhaps especially young men, like you--can often get stuck in their heads too much during the act, worrying about what their partner is thinking or feeling. Communication is definitely important, so I'd say it's a good idea to keep an open dialogue with your partner either before or after the deed. Be open to any suggestions or input they may give you, and of course feel free to do the same; sex with your partner should be mutually beneficial, after all, and it's possible your partner is as worried as you are about doing it well.

    It's going to take time, but with effort, you should reach a point where you're thinking less and trusting in your instincts more. You might find yourself regressing from time to time too, and that's okay. As long as you keep working on it, you'll reach a certain level of comfort; both with sexual activity and yourself.
     
  4. Chip

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    I concur. Nothing indicates you are gay, and anxiety is interfering with your erotic feelingtoward women.
     
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  5. detroitlouisred

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    Hello there relatunsur, I am by no means an expert but someone who finds himself in somewhat of a similar situation. Although there are some differences in our stories, there are some definite similarities. What I do know for sure is that this can be a very confusing and, dare I say, painful experience. I recently made my first post here so I wouldn't give too much advice, but what I will say is that I have decided to seek out a therapist as I do not believe this is something I can totally sort out on my own. That may be something you might look into if you feel you need it.

    Thanks for sharing and best of luck!