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Unbundling Guilt Embarressment Shame....from Hetero to Homo

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Imjustjulien, Aug 13, 2017 at 6:02 AM.

  1. Imjustjulien

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    Glancing at an image on IG, a beautiful male, from midchest down to feet. His legs just apart, right slightly turned out, strong and well proportioned, wearing only Calvin Klien underwear, white, the same as I'm wearing today. So comfortable, sexy to the touch and to see on another.

    It is though the shape of his penis, laying to one side, clearly discernable that stirs and stirs my attention. Curve, shape, fullness, sensual details not missed.

    Ones focus naturally drawn, the thought - to explore arises. Left to wonder of his smile, his eyes, his lips.

    Attractive. Absolutely. Sensual, sexy. There is such connection as a man. It is deeply in me. Celebrated.

    Nowadays, differently interested and attentive to men I see and meet, my gaydar naturally blinks on, very aware. No hiding, if a little coy, I'm present to your glance, your smile, our connection.

    Well of course, I hear myself say. So enjoying male to male conversations here and reading of like experiences, and different.

    To look at a similar photo of a woman, beautiful, attractive, feminine.
    There is appreciation.

    As I study for longer, and observe my own feelings, allowing all that comes, to just sit, the differences are distinct. From hetero to homo, the view, feeling, intensity so distinctly different.

    While of women, there is no comparative sense or desire, or like thought, feeling or want. Aware of my own disconnect where close intimacy comes (from one relationship, long and shorter, one to another, girlfriends to flings and to marriage parenthood, divorce etc etc...) fraught with challenge (my baggage repleat), while as friends, in conversation, etc. Wonderful. Engaging. No stress or expectation (on myself)....always a treat. One close girl friend just recently asked half joking and warm sincerity and knowing (...she was, and Im sure she knows right on the mark) Julien are you gay?, I parried and hid my blush... the next time should she or someone with sincerity and genuine interest...my reponse will be open honest and "yes, I am, I have been gay all my life.."

    And in this unfolding rising affirming of my own homosexuality, I have become aware of a keener sensivity to, and sincere interest in their/your/womens wellbeing and happiness. Enjoying your playfulness, nurturing, intelligence and humanity, bringing a love and gratitude for and toward, women, woman as woman, women as women. We are interconnected and interdependant. The friends here on EC, such a joy to read, and share, your journeys, to chat and connect.

    As a gay man, it comes so easily. I.realise now when challenges have arisen, they have come with a chauvinism, a bravado, an act that is learnt, complex...bound up in this coming out journey...of decades.

    I see now the lifetime of practised, habitualised and internalised guilt, shame, embarressment along with tactics and little lies to hide the truth about 'me' falling away, bit by bit. These sixty years in my hetero suit, unbuttoning, unzipping, stepping naked as I am.

    Becoming comfortable joyful in my own skin. To be a man, to love a man, to be attracted in all ways sensual emotional sexual, intellectual and spiritual to man.

    So appealing, so sexy, compassionate and warm. And right there is the appeal, the tenderness and masculinity of my own being, that I desire, understand and long for in the touch, empathy and embrace, of another, of a man, we know each other, we get each other... that is the homosexuality I find in myself..and see in others.

    I feel like I've come a long way. Even the word and feeling of feeling, like flowers so pretty, so wonderful, beautiful, to be with oneself.

    Ought my hetero relationship of four years end - I do not know right now. She is so beautiful, we have become such dear friends. I sense, I am sure she knows of this deeper closetted me, so many signs and hints of behaviour over time. Of sex, not for six months or more, when first together it was torrid, fun. Over time less and less, now it has left me.

    Do I need to have a homosexual relationship, friends yes I'm sure, like company, familiar embrace, a kiss, the time to talk and engage deeply. For sure. But right now. My journey, an internal one, 'know thyself and you will know another' as the saying goes.

    Thank you for reading this latest step on my journey, this homosexual sixty year old man, stepping right out of his lifelong safe and pretty closet door, closing it, to see in the mirror a gay queer man standing straight and proud - what more. Naked in the forest, singing dancing ... I am much more..
     
    #1 Imjustjulien, Aug 13, 2017 at 6:02 AM
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2017 at 6:16 AM
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  2. Chip

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    A beautifully written post.

    For what it's worth... a friend of mine, now in his mid-70s, did not come out until he was 68. He is happier than he's ever been.

    As far as your current relationship... what you do owe her is honest, vulnerable, authentic conversation and discussion. How it plays out is for the two of you to determine.

    You're on the right path. :slight_smile:
     
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  3. Imjustjulien

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    Thank you Chip, your advise is golden. I see it. It is time.
     
  4. ConfusedEast

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    What a wonderful and accurate post. So well written, a real gem. I do think you find as you become more and more comfortable with your homosexuality you will find it harder and harder to maintain a relationship with your girlfriend. It will start to seem false and fake after a while, you are living a lie. In my case the more I acknowledged my homosexuality more difficult it became to pretend with my then GF. She started to annoy me through nothing she did, nor no fault of her own, it was me! I avoided intimacy as much as possible. I started to resent her touch, etc. I was acting as a straight BF while in truth was something else. After having sexual relations with my now BF, it was almost impossible to be sexual with my GF. In order to do so I had resorted to using pharma products and even then I couldn't stand her touch or body.I started to find everything about intimacy with a woman gross. Finally I had to acknowledge that I was no longer hetero, couldn't pretend and told her. While it was not pleasant, it was the only fair thing to do. Chip is absolutely right you have to have that conversation. For me it was total release, I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted after breaking up with her. I am sure she is happier now as I am. Sexual relations with my then GF pale in comparison to them now with my BF. I hope the same for my old GF in her new relationship and same for you as you continue on your journey toward embracing your homosexuality fully.
     
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  5. Imjustjulien

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    Thankyou so much. Your words, and those of Chip's earlier have brought tears, of both sadness and joy.

    Knowing that the time has come to have that discussion, uncomfortable as it may be...it is best, it is must.

    I have been avoiding it, even writing about, somehow thinking (or not even thinking) it will be ok. But its not true. I can already feel it. Its been happening for over a year now...

    I guess, actually I know, it has been a cumulative experience...as self confidence, awareness, understanding and courage have each slowly developed, as at this point to a crescendo.

    Even now, writing words, expressing these feelings and emotions, and converns and fears, is somehow empowering, self correcting. Drawing me, pushing me toward my goal, to come out to be openly homosexual. OMG......tears.

    My post is a catalyst, a prod, a call for help, without even realising it, giving scant mention of our relationship is a poor on my part. I feel deeply ashamed. This is very hard.

    I can also see as you experienced, and every partner male or female who goes through this...along this path to come out the other side into the 'rainbow' fully 'a huge weight will lifted after breaking up with her'. I know in my heart, as time passes, and the emotional pain fades, I am sure she will be happier ... as I will be. For at the moment happy sad are like a roller coaster....and I see this from my side is the catalyst..

    That sexual relations (hetero-GF) may pale in comparison (to homosexual-BF, to just write those two letters is so wonderful) I can't know that yet, but somehow I do. As I write to be at some time intimately with another man, is somehow like being with an old friend, as if I have been gay so many times... how strange. How wonderful.

    I do truly wish and pray for my girlfriend, who is far far more, that true happiness will come for her, and it will I trust,;she truly deserves it. That it wil not be with me, is how it must be, I need to go. We need to go our separate ways...this is not easy to say, but even doing so it is making the path a little easier, I can feel it.

    Today, these past 24-48 hours have been a watershed, facing up to myself, my fears and my journey toward embracing my homosexuality completely.

    Thank you so much ConfusedEast and Chip and everyone here at EC.

    I wish and pray that we all find the true happiness we are looking for.
     
  6. ConfusedEast

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    I wish you and your GF the best as you both navigate these uncharted waters. Everyone's experience in coming out is different and presents unique challenges along with many concerns. No one wants to intentional hurt another person however in cases of changing sexual orientation it is extreme complicated and loaded with guilt, pain along with emotional baggage on both sides. We can only hope that all involved come out of it better for knowing each other but better off honestly being the gay people we are. This is just another in life's sometimes twisted course. I hope and pray you both find the peace you deserve.
     
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  7. Imjustjulien

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    Your kind and thoughtful words are truly comforting. It is in a sense, a grief, of loss. Leaving the old and familiar behind. Even as the new dawns. Jetisoning years of heterosexual life, habit and view, so woven into my being, every facit of living, meeting with that of my partner, her needs and understanding, and what this wil bring up for us as a couple and individually. So much is invested emotionally in sexuality, beliefs and internal culture. And emotional baggage. Uncharted waters is a good analogy. This is immense.

    I was up last night way after midnight, home alone, thoughts running. But also in that a happinness. A milestone. I wanted/needed to roll through things to this point, to refocus as it were. It was a cool night, moonlit. I stripped naked and went outside, and walked around the garden. The grass under my feet was wet from the rain earlier in the evening, it was soothing. A sense of drawing all the anguish into the ground. I spoke softly to myself, unconcerned about houses nearby. That someone might look over the fence or hear my words, or see this naked man. My one witness, an owl that often sits in our garden at night. Somehow comforting, a listener without judgement or comment. To be naked in the open air was so cleansing. Time seemed to stop. Over and over with deeping kindness I repeated, I repeated I am homosexual. I am gay. My sexuality has changed, that which I seemed to be I am no longer. I am changing, accepting this me hidden out of view since boyhood, I am coming out. No longer hetersexual. It is past. After half an hour or so I came inside, sat on the couch, and continued, turning on my cell phone video to selfie, there naked, I recounted aloud all the experiences through the years that have brought me here. It just flowed out. Ive not had much sleep. Later I watched my spoken letter to myself. It was affirming. It must 4 or 5am when I finally went to sleep. Fortunately able to sleep in this morning. I feel lighter. Different. I am homosexual. I am homosexual. My name is Julien and I am homosexual I am gay.
     
  8. Tomás1

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    This is obviously a beautiful piece, like a flower in spring, a shower in the desert w the smell of sage, touching the hand of someone u love. As much as I too admire the beautiful male in his Calvin's … I appreciate the beautiful woman in her lingerie. Of course the relationship … now that's a whole new universe. Even the sex - body to body w the strength & intensity of another man … versus the soft receptivity of a woman. And being with him or her … the challenges, the rapport or lack of it, the communication, not always held in the light of idealism, that can even happen in anonymous sex, when u don't know your partners name. So many layers in who we're attracted to, what kind of sex we like & what turns us on … & how to build the more challenging bridge to another's heart & soul.
     
    #8 Tomás1, Aug 14, 2017 at 4:07 PM
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2017 at 4:08 PM
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  9. Adz6

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    Wow Julien,
    What an amazing post, it defiantly resonated with me. It was beautiful to read.
    Adz
     
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  10. Imjustjulien

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  11. Imjustjulien

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    Thank you so much Thomas1, your words are beautiful... like our peraonal journeys, layer upon layer, one by one, uncovering, confronting, embracing, deeper and more subtle, coming in touch with what we like, fear, attract to and avert from, getting to the real us. Often surprising...LOL. OMG.

    And building that bridge - to another human, to our own heart, there lays the great work.
     
  12. Imjustjulien

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    Hi Adz6, thank you, so glad you enjoyed my writing, 'defiantly resonating' I love that.

    I was thinking about it all today, and how far I feel I've come. And sometimes, how there is to go. But then realise, Im simply right here, right now. One step at a time, smiling.

    Being here on EC is such a great support, like a family but also an honest friend who, along with supporting and encourahing, will confront and challenge you. Putting a spotlight on what you can't yet see clearly, or need to unfold and honestly look at.

    Have a lovelly day.
     
    #12 Imjustjulien, Aug 15, 2017 at 3:21 PM
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2017 at 3:21 PM
  13. Adz6

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    Thank you Julien
    I'm not much of a poster on the forum here, though I like to check in each day. And by just reading all the wonderful positive posts I do feel the support.
    Adz