1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Unable to come out even in Canada

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Warrior999, Oct 14, 2021.

  1. Warrior999

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2018
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    So just to give people a bit of a history about my background: I come from a Muslim-major country, and I was raised up in a conservative Muslim household. I came out to my parents and a few other family members about 6 years back, and despite their strong religious background they have been pretty accepting of me. After coming out, I tried and went abroad (Canada) a few years later.

    I've been in Canada for around the past 3 years. I honestly thought that after coming to Canada, my life would change, I would be able to live an openly gay life I always wanted. It's true Canada is very liberal about this issue -- before Covid, I participated in Pride parade, went to gay bars, etc. However, I still had to keep my identity hidden from the public.

    I was a student at a top university here just a while back, and my class mates would often ask: "Do you have a girlfriend?" To which I could never say, "No, I would never have a girlfriend as I am gay". Instead I would politely say "No."
    I also have a few close relatives living here (aunt, uncle etc) and since I am 28 years old, they keep asking me about my marriage, trying to persuade me to get married. There's not a chance I can come out to them.

    I also started working at a call center, and they changed their logo to a rainbow version in pride month, and so many of my colleagues were openly spouting support for lgbt people, whereas I have to sit quietly and act as though I know nothing of it. People around me are quite liberal, but unfortunately I have been in the closet for so long, and in Bangladesh words like gay-lesbian are considered swearing /dirty words, so even uttering those words in public is so tough.

    Another problem is that, since I come from a Muslim and conservative background, people here will judge me differently than they will judge a person living in Canada all their lives. Coming out as an ex-Muslim or a non-practicing Muslim has been hard enough -- coming out as gay will be the final nail in the coffin. Where I used to live, there was a large number of people from my home country and also Muslims, who are quite conservative in their thinking, and I am pretty sure I will be judged very harshly if I even showcase support for lgbt, let alone come out.

    So in short -- I want to come out to the public (at least my coworkers etc), but can't bring myself to say that in the open. So is there any way to go through the coming out process or should I just stay silent? Will moving to big cities like Toronto help?
     
    #1 Warrior999, Oct 14, 2021
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 15, 2021
  2. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey I am sorry you are finding things tough even since your move to Canada. Situations experienced prior to being in an accepting place can still live with us even when we move because the fear is ingrained. Have you tried working with a therapist?
     
    #2 silverhalo, Oct 14, 2021
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 15, 2021
  3. BonaDrag

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2021
    Messages:
    58
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey friend, I'm an ex-Catholic, though born and raised in Canada. I firstly want to say that I'm terribly sorry you have had such a difficult experience. You deserve to be out if that is what you desire, and you especially, whether publicly out or not, deserve to be free of shame surrounding being gay. I am out to only to a handful of people in my life and I work through shame on the daily, so there is not much I can offer when it comes to advice, at least not advice that I am actively living.

    Some ideas that I might employ sometime in my own future you might wish to consider: wearing a subtle pride pin, socks, or jewelry of sorts. Mentioning a date (existent or not) with he pronouns when others are talking about a date or someone they are talking to. Talking openly about lgbtq+ artists, musicians or other celebrity figures.

    Honestly mate, if coming out is something you wish to do and feel as though you are safe to do so, maybe start with a coworker you have a good relationship with, and straight up (lol) let them in on things. Go from there. If staying silent is what you feel you want/need, that is okay too. While I sometimes get persuaded by the likes of the great Harvey Milk ("you must come out!"), it is certainly okay and necessary for numerous reasons why someone might choose to never come out, and that being okay.

    As far as moving to a city like Toronto, I'll say this. Of course, cities like Toronto, Montreal, Ottawa and Vancouver are going to have so much going on as far as LGBTQ+ culture goes, but I'll mention I've heard Queer folks in other spaces say that they were let down by the difficulties they had finding a sense of their own community there. All in all, I'd be lying if I haven't dreamt of making the move myself!

    I wish you best of luck in your journey thus far. Definitely feel free to message/post on my wall/comment or however works if you want to chat more, and please keep us posted! :slight_smile:
     
    #3 BonaDrag, Oct 14, 2021
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 15, 2021
  4. HM03

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2013
    Messages:
    2,623
    Likes Received:
    508
    Location:
    Pergatory
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Please don't be too hard on yourself, coming out is scary! Even when you know it is now safe (it's all relative lol), it's extremely hard to mentally switch from years of the very real fear of being bullied/cultural shame to feeling safe.

    You're right, cities like Torono, Vancouver etc DO have more LGBT people, events and PDA. However, I think it may be worth your time to look internally first before you look into a bigger external decision, like moving.

    As recommended already, therapy may be a good choice. I felt always felt that my issues weren't "big enough" for therapy (a retrospective ahaha at that), but it can be very helpful to work through all the internalized shame, feelings etc with a professional. Coming out to a therapist was a good starting spot for me. From there I started coming out, starting with the people I was closest with and/or thought would take it the best and working my way to the people that were the toughest coming out. Slowly creating and expanding on a support network is something I recommend to everybody coming out. In additional to therapy, perhaps reach out to the group that organized the pride parade, an LGBT alumni group from your university? An LGBT group here had a thing where they encourage people to make an anonymized email, email them (email buddies) and they would veryyyy slowly encourage to make small steps to come out (with goals like eventually going to a pride club event with "mentor(s)") - the point being that people can be very accommodating and nice.

    Coming out can be the traditional coming out talk, letters, texts, social medial posts, rainbow cakes, subtle hint drops, coming out to one person vs your friend group vs just your family - It's what you make it.

    Despite all that, don't feel bad about your hesitation - Coming out is scary as fuck. You've already come out to your parents and some family members. That takes courage. Don't beat yourself up or sell yourself short :slight_smile:
     
    #4 HM03, Oct 16, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2021
  5. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    1,318
    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Coming out is seldom easy, even for someone who has supportive family and friends--so it's completely understandable that you're grappling with this right now. I don't think you necessarily need to move to a bigger city, because you'll find bigots everywhere. But if moving is something you want to do for other reasons as well, then of course you can/should for your own well-being.

    As to coming out to people, I recommend starting small. It's daunting enough coming out to one person, but to a whole group would be absolutely nerve-wracking. Of your co-workers, are there any that you're particularly close to? Likewise, any friends from your university that you have a strong connection with? Anyone who's out themselves, perhaps?

    If you know anyone who fits into one or all of these, that person (or those people) would probably be your best bet at getting it out there. Whoever you do tell, though, be sure they aren't going to go telling others before you're ready--or that they'll allow you to do the telling yourself, as it isn't their secret to share.

    Once you've told one person, it gets a little easier to tell the next. I won't pretend it's always easy, though. You could be out for many years and still struggle with telling someone new. So first and foremost, be patient with yourself and only come out if/when you're absolutely ready to, and not because you feel like you have to.

    I hope this helps. Whatever happens, feel free to let us know/PM if you need help. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Warrior999

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2018
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey that's a great idea but I am not sure if I am willing to do that just yet -- the rainbow flag is pretty well-known and I am not sure if I can face the negative reactions just yet. But it's a good idea and I will think about it.

    Also I am pretty open about my support for LGBT people. Like I often post LGBT friendly articles in Facebook and everywhere else (though with privacy settings so people back home cannot read them). But I always distance myself from the group -- like I go "LGBT deserves their rights, they deserve to be treat equally" -- always with "they". Never with "I". I don't think I can call myself a member of this group so easily considering the stigma attached to it.

    Well, I'd like to move to Toronto regardless of this issue, but I do think that Toronto is more friendly about LGBT rights. Considering you are from Canada, you do know about Church Street right? Well that would be my ideal location someday *dreaming*

    Nah, don't know any openly out gay / lesbian couple here. Also I am pretty unsocial so hardly get into a big talk with my coworkers. Also some do ask me why I don't have a girlfriend yet, etc. But I just can't master up the courage to say it's 'cause I am gay. I just say I like living alone.

    That's a good thing to take into account as I don't want it getting public.

    Thanks for then kind words and also the suggestion for PM. I will have to explore the PM feature.

    @silverhalo and @HM03: Thanks for the response and thanks for suggesting therapy. I always wanted to talk to a therapist regarding these issues, but managing a therapist in Canada is hard. Not sure if insurance will cover this. However, I will try it with a therapist and see if it has any benefits. Thank you everyone for the kind words.
     
    BiGemini87 likes this.
  7. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Maybe see if there are any LGBT centres in your area sometimes they can be useful