The whiplash is getting to be too much. Happy, sad, back and forth. Over the last 20 minutes my depression rolled back. Just like a cloud taking its place in the sky. Supposed to have therapy tomorrow. Cancelled because my wife has an appointment, and her health is more important than I am. So I have to deal with it on my own. No one to talk to because (like many of you surely are) everyone I know has reached the limit on how much complaining they’ll hear from me. It’s just so exhausting.
I’m sorry you’re having a tough day. It was kind of you to think of your wife, but is it akin to an oxygen mask on a flight, where you make sure yours is on and functioning before trying to help someone else?
Don't talk like that, Static! It's not complaining - you're just working things out. I'm just really pleased you seem to be getting there, and that your wife is able to support you. Feel free to PM me anytime. I know from my own experience how intense it can be during those early stages, when you feel you just need to talk to someone - anyone - about what you're going through. It's what EC is here for. Beth x
Thanks friends. Still having a rough go. Around dinner time last night, I started getting crying spells that I couldn’t control. Managed to hide it most of the night but my wife picked up that something was wrong. I told her that I was managing my emotions on my own, I’ve got it, and thanks. So we didn’t talk about it, she just offered me general compassion and support. Up all night with anxiety. Got a few hours sleep. Crying began again as soon as I was awake again. Getting through my day of work through deep focus, breathing exercises, and meditation.
Sorry to hear you're having a crappy time, Static. Hang in there! If this continues, I'd consult your doctor. Two years on from my own gender revelation, I'm still on sleeping medication and antidepressants. No shame there - it's what I've had to do to survive.
It’s true, I should be seeing a doctor today, but I’m not. I’m at work instead. It’s day 3 of this now and it’s getting worse. It’s not a panic or anxiety attack because those are supposed to last minutes, not days. No idea what is happening to me but it feels huge and I’m terrified
Static, from what you have written these past few months you have a tendency to put other people, whether that's your wife or your work, before you. That's admirable in many ways, but you're going through a time of personal crisis that, by the sounds of it, may well be a breakdown of some description. It's at times like this you need to put yourself first and shout 'HELP!' So f*** coping, f*** thinking about what other people might think or might need. What do YOU need, right now? Ask yourself this and then ask people who may be able to help you. Hope things improve and you're able to re-balance yourself soon. Hugs, Beth x
Thanks Beth, I’m thinking what you’re thinking. Last night I enjoyed a back rub, some candy, a really good episode of Atlanta, and some old Nintendo games. They were the right pleasures at the right time to see my episode off. The sun is out and the birds are singing. I took today off for a mental health day (as opposed to a mental illness day, which is what yesterday would have been). Therapy is rescheduled for next week. One thing I’m going to do is just ignore the news. News sites are forbidden on my phone today, I declare. They’re depressing and mean. I’m actually going to put the phone down today. It’s early, I’m by myself, I can be as loud as I want, and it just happens that I’m a rather good musician.
You’ve helped me to a revelation. I have an enormous number of roles and identities that I play and have played in my life. Some are of necessity and some are of choice. Some I like, and some bring me suffering. In some roles, the majority of people like me very much. In other roles, they don’t. I tend to feel the same way; if I’m “being someone” that I like, people like me. The roles that I play currently that I love are parent, partner, educator, and musician. My problem is that I live my life flitting from one role to the other, trying to be the best version of that and ONLY that. With the exception of music. That role, the one I have loved the longest, has been relegated to a small place. My point is, I am a parent, partner, musician and educator. I love that person, and that person is loved. This is a very new and welcome thought for me. It’s something to work with.
This is good news. Music should be a place of sanctuary, where you can express what you're feeling and who you really are. My creative thing is writing. I'm a journalist by trade and have kept an informal diary for well over a decade. During that year of crises, 2020, my diary entries went through the roof. Day by day I was detailing how I felt, where I was at, working it all out, getting it out of my head and onto a page. Some of it went into a piece I had published in London's free newspaper, Metro, last year. But as a whole it's a purely therapeutic exercise - I feel more on top of things once I have expressed them openly in writing. You are! Keep going, keep exercising self care and you'll find a pathway that leads out of the woods. Have a great day, Beth x
I hope you've had a better day today, and that you feel refreshed! I could use a good mental health day to myself.
