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Two Sides at War (FtM thoughts)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Matto_Corvo, Sep 10, 2017.

  1. Matto_Corvo

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    (Sorry for the length)

    I often feel like there are two sides to me, and recently I feel like they are at war with each other more than they had ever been.

    One side of me is the girl I was raised to be, the one I tried hard to be. I never hated this side, I just felt that this side of me never fully represented who I was. It is the side of me that likes dramas, and love stories, that will proudly admit that Pride and Prejudice is its favorite book, that played with Barbies. It is the side that goes with my current body.

    But then there is the second side of me, the side that has been around just along as the first side, just silently so. It is the side of me that was convinced that I would grow up to be a boy when I was just a small kid, then went dormant for a while. It is the side that struggled to the surface when I was a teen, violently protesting the way my body was changing, before my health issues forced it to go dormant once again. It is the side of me that saw gay couples and felt like that should me. It is the side of me that had me watching men when I'm in pubic, looking at different features and feeling a sense of jealously that I didn't have them. It is the side of me that has me feeling so jealous of those trans men that have started transitioning. It is the side of me that first started questioning in the first place, and the side of me that has made it impossible for me to imagine my life as a woman.

    In the past I have always been able to get these two sides to co-exist, maybe not perfectly as my teenage depression showed, but enough so that I have been able to ignore that I am transgender for so long. But things have changed recently. I moved to Portland and now have roommates that call me by Ryan and use the correct pronouns. I go to a weekly FtM meeting. At work they know I am trans and they use the correct pronouns and name for that. I'm hunting for a therapist even though I know there are places I can go to start T without a letter.
    And suddenly I start doubting that I am trans. Maybe because it was my lack of dysphoria as a kid, or the lack of it after the age of 17 or so. To me I feel barely any dysphoria, at the same time I hate the sound of my own voice these days as it doesn't match the name or pronouns. It is what gives me away 2nd, my large chest gives me away first. I usually walk around the house with an old worn out sports bra on, and I hate it because it doesn't compress at all. I hate my breasts, but there is little I can do about it right now.
    The "girl" side of me is saying I can't be trans because of my feminine personality traits, and because I have been too lucky. My family accepts me, I moved to state with protections, got a job with an anti-discrimination policy that includes gender identities and offers insurance that covers transitioning, I suffer little dysphoria, and I tend to somehow avoid depression and deal with my anxiety well. This side of me tells me I can't be trans unless I suffer. And that throws me and the "male" side into chaos at times.
     
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  2. Crisalide

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    I was tidying up the drawers today and, among nonsense gimcrack, I found feminine drawings, pink objects and so on. Furniture is pink. I have a real feminine past; I was a tomboy sometimes, but not always (50-50?): I played with dolls, tried to understand the laws of make-up (fun detail: I liked theatre make up, like the one of a drag queen xD), etc. How can I consider myself a guy if I'm surrounded by pink furniture and past femininity comes at surface like skeletons of dinosaurs? I'm still feminine in a lot of ways. I fear that my parents won't believe me if I come out.
    It would be easier if I were a girl. I'd be socially isolated on purpose, I'd never have serious relationships and I'd shut down half of my emotions, but wasn't that my life until now, shouldn't I be accustomed to that? I was trained so efficiently to be a girl that is hell of easy going with the flow of my assigned gender. I get heavily humiliated by my past self who engaged in behaving like a girl: "she" did things that I'd never do again, I'd prefer physical pain.
    So, ehm… high five.
    (You don't need suffering to be trans. You don't deserve suffering. Just enjoy the relief.)
     
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  3. Matto_Corvo

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    Yeah, you summed it up nicely.
    I didn't have a pink room, though, I had a lavender one xD (fun fact, purple is still my favorite color but I tend to tell people green)

    That last bit really sounds like. I did a lot of "girly" things trying to fit in with those around me, and while I didn't mind them I can never see myself dong them again. I just didn't really enjoy them.
     
  4. Crisalide

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    I had a phase of liking perwinkle colour (between light blue and lavender) and used it as a symbol when I identified as non binary. Which stereotypically masculine guy knows that "periwinkle" exists as the name of a colour? xD
     
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  5. Matto_Corvo

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    I would like to imagine that there is an underground meeting area for masc guys that love perwinkle but have to hide it because of society xD
     
  6. anthracite

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    No idea what perwinkle is, but nothing against a purple shirt of sex like Sherlocks.

    But you know, everyone has their feminine sides. I could make a great shopping advisor for example. But I can't tell you how happy T makes me.

    In some cases gender euphoria is bigger than dysphoria and you might be such a case.
     
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