(Sorry for the length) I often feel like there are two sides to me, and recently I feel like they are at war with each other more than they had ever been. One side of me is the girl I was raised to be, the one I tried hard to be. I never hated this side, I just felt that this side of me never fully represented who I was. It is the side of me that likes dramas, and love stories, that will proudly admit that Pride and Prejudice is its favorite book, that played with Barbies. It is the side that goes with my current body. But then there is the second side of me, the side that has been around just along as the first side, just silently so. It is the side of me that was convinced that I would grow up to be a boy when I was just a small kid, then went dormant for a while. It is the side that struggled to the surface when I was a teen, violently protesting the way my body was changing, before my health issues forced it to go dormant once again. It is the side of me that saw gay couples and felt like that should me. It is the side of me that had me watching men when I'm in pubic, looking at different features and feeling a sense of jealously that I didn't have them. It is the side of me that has me feeling so jealous of those trans men that have started transitioning. It is the side of me that first started questioning in the first place, and the side of me that has made it impossible for me to imagine my life as a woman. In the past I have always been able to get these two sides to co-exist, maybe not perfectly as my teenage depression showed, but enough so that I have been able to ignore that I am transgender for so long. But things have changed recently. I moved to Portland and now have roommates that call me by Ryan and use the correct pronouns. I go to a weekly FtM meeting. At work they know I am trans and they use the correct pronouns and name for that. I'm hunting for a therapist even though I know there are places I can go to start T without a letter. And suddenly I start doubting that I am trans. Maybe because it was my lack of dysphoria as a kid, or the lack of it after the age of 17 or so. To me I feel barely any dysphoria, at the same time I hate the sound of my own voice these days as it doesn't match the name or pronouns. It is what gives me away 2nd, my large chest gives me away first. I usually walk around the house with an old worn out sports bra on, and I hate it because it doesn't compress at all. I hate my breasts, but there is little I can do about it right now. The "girl" side of me is saying I can't be trans because of my feminine personality traits, and because I have been too lucky. My family accepts me, I moved to state with protections, got a job with an anti-discrimination policy that includes gender identities and offers insurance that covers transitioning, I suffer little dysphoria, and I tend to somehow avoid depression and deal with my anxiety well. This side of me tells me I can't be trans unless I suffer. And that throws me and the "male" side into chaos at times.