Tw: suicidal ideation. Bad thoughts are back :(

I really wasn't going to post, but I feel like I have to post or at least need to talk about it.

For a little backround info I am seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist regurarly and been on medication for at least 2 years. I have high functioning anxiety, depression and have had suicidal thoughts in the past, what medication has really been helping to keep under control. I also have adhd and several health issues. Hospital was my other home when I was little, because I also have genetic defects. I've learned to live with difficulties.

For like past month though I have been feeling suicidal again. I just feel like I can burst into tears over nothing, been thinking about wanting to kill myself and I've been crying, but I've been good taking my medication despite my bad memory. Suicidal thoughts was what made me to search for help in the first place. I've never made any plans, only imagined.

I just feel tired and I hate myself for it and these thoughts. I feel a little better now, that I've written it down, but the bad feelings are still there. Maybe I need to ask my psychiatrist to rise the dosage of my medication.

I hate being so negative.

 

Thank you. You are very kind. I just try hard. I've noticed, that whenever I can help others, then I feel happier too, but when I can't, then my anxiety make me feel like they hate me, even if it's not true. The reason I became mod too was, so I could help others and give back to the people who have helped me. I always feel, like it's my duty to give back, when others help me.

This is how I've always been like. It somehow makes me feel bad talking about my own worries, when there are people who are so much more worse off than me and I don't like making other people be worried about me.

 

I'm sorry you had to read this. It's just I don't know maybe worries about my health, weight and I do feel a little bit of that hopelessness that things will get better in the future. I guess it's from worrying all the time about everyone else, myself and about my own future what is causing all of it. I got anxiety attack, because I thought my dad was about to say something phobic, but he wasn't even thinking about it. I get so easily triggered over nothing. In a Estonian lgbt group we were discussing about stuff and we werent even arguing, just voicing opinions and yet I felt like crying. I actually did cry. It's silly stuff like this.

 

And you are helping. I will talk to my psychiatrist and let him increase the dosage and see what happens.

 

Thank you @Tightrope I will consult with my psychatrist. My next appointment is in July, so I can ask what he thinks. I had an appointment just recently. It's not the first time I've changed my medication.

I came out to my aunt (mom's sister) family and they're supportive of me being trans and liking women. We have talked about depression and so on before. She knows my mental health isn't the best, but I don't wish to always trouble her, though she said I can talk to her anytime. She is a kinderkarten teacher and my cousins are living away in the capital and they get busy and I'm also really busy, but even this don't dristract me. I get so tired and then the thoughts come. I'm not giving up on support groups. EC has been a blessing and then there is the Estonian lgbt+ group, where I talk and where I vent a lot and am also in a mental health group. Even though all of these are online, then it really helps and am grateful that such places exist. They do mental health caffes from time to time too. Sometimes I feel like I've already vented in all the groups so much and that I run out of places where to vent. Even just posting helps me feel better. My friend knows too. So there are support. I just find it very hard to talk about it to them. I don't like admitting that something is wrong and I can't handle it by myself. It's a bad trait of mine.

I am trying this actually. Just can't always see the small things that will offer joy, when in depression and it takes practice to notice them then. I'm exited about the things to come, like in my university courses, that get exiting. University is one thing that offers me some change in everyday life and that I can actually get help with my health, since when you're in uni and not working, then you still have insurance, that pays for any medical expences and also I get some support money wise, it's not loads, but it's someting and does help out.

There are good things, but also bad things, but I'm managing, somehow I am. If I can actually finish uni despite everything that is going on in my life, then I will be very happy. This also somehow motivates me. So there are motivation and I haven't fully lost all hope.

 

Thank you. Though sometimes my future goals seem so unachivable and that's what is causing the hopelessness. It's the uncertainty of it all.

I do feel that I'm quite unstable right now too. I hope I feel better after sleeping it off.

You too take care and hugs your way.

 

Thank you.

I went for a walk today, because the weather was beautiful and it was warm, but windy. I went to my favourite place near a river. I love it there, but it also makes me anxious. It was a beautiful day, yet my mind goes into a dark place, when watching the waves. It's my favourite thing to do, while letting sun give me that much needed Vitamin D. I aknowledge it's beautiful, yet my mind still wonders, where I don't want it to go and anxiety makes me feel like other people who go past me know exactly what I think.

The walk was very needed though. I feel refreshed and got away from home a bit.

 

This is what I'm working towards. I really miss stability in my life, because right now, there is none of that.

 

Don't worry the benches are not this close for me to be able to fall in and the shore is not too high up either. It's a really nice area and I know this river and area very well. There are apartments here too. I bet the views are nice too. I want to live in there or some place with a river/ocean view. Just seeing this view alone everyday would make me happy.

I know this in my head, it's just my anxiety.

Thank you. Chatting here does help loads and I really have ignored my own needs, but this I need to deal with. Self care is important, but depression just makes me often not want to do anything.

Thank you.

This stability involves many different areas. I don't have much of a routine and many of my just basic needs aren't always fulfilled.

I'm worried about things like:

• financial security, since I can't seem to land a job and I feel like I'm not even healthy enough for it right now, though it would help loads. We simply live off coverment funding and that's it and prices for everything always increase;
• i'm not content with myself, my looks, healt or anything else and there is dysphoria too; I get anxious in different situations, even in the situations that are harmless or no need for me to be anxious in;
• physical health is a big issue and it affects everything;
• there is instability in my relationships, like family in perticular my dad and sister, who just add frustration to my life (I still love them though, but wish they didn't need me) and because I'm the only one who can help them out and because of who I can't be free, at least not right now and some of my relatives add stressors too; and there is 0 love life, what I miss too and feel like I'm left out;
• my home enviroment is not the best (I don't need to worry about rent and such, because we own the house, but the big house and yard adds stressors, especially, if I'm alone with managing everything, not always, but it's still tough);
• my depression makes it so, that I don't take time for my hobbies, because my energy levels just go down. When there is depression, then I feel like even moving a hand is a chore. There are several things I used to love doing.

 

I try not to, but I tend to take too much onto just myself. Another bad habit.

Do you remember, when we talked about job searching and so on? I said I would talk to a career advisor and there was my university career event. Well I ended up doing none of it, though I said I would.

In the past none of it has been helpful to me, so it makes me feel quite frustrated and overwhelmed. I am correcting my resume, but I feel like I just put everything there and I'm never happy with it and there is this aimless job search. I'm even applying for jobs that I don't really want. There are limitations in the certain jobs I can do or wish to do and I'm also a student, so I can't do full time jobs only part time. My city is small too, so there isn't much of a choice to begin with. There is a job search office, where you can get help and support money wise, but as I am a student, then I don't get that. I could make an appointment with an consultant to just look over my resume and give me pointers on how it looks, but I'm too out of energy to deal with all that. I have skills, but not much of an experience.

I have worked at a nursing home, where I was taking care of 40 people, with other carers and some of them where bedridden. It was a hard job, but rewarding. It feels great, when you know exactly what you have to do, how to do it and what skills to use and know how to use them. I had a coworker say to me that she was very impressed with me, as we've never been working together, just the two of us, when it was my last day as I went off to nursing school and we there were just the 2 of us taking care of everything (while usually we had 3 carers) that everything went so smoothly and fast. She was one of the older workers there and been there longer than me. It felt amazing that my hard work got aknowledged.

Then I went off to nursing school and it was very hard. I managed to almost get to the end of my first year, but there was an exam, that completely ruined it for me and I should've known that, since I'm very bad at math to begin with. I dropped out and I'm still sad over it.

I have other schools too, where I've dropped out, but it all goes to your record, so when you apply for universities, then they can see that. Luckily my university now didn't ask about it much and I got in. I'm really happy to be studying here. I just hope I make it until the end.

I've also worked at a hospital in intensive care unit during Covid as a carer. I wasn't there for long. There were people who I just couldn't get along with and who weren't nice to me. If I have good coworkers and am aware of all my duties, then I can do my job very well.

I don't wish to go back to the nursing home, because I feel like a bit of a failure for not finishing nursing school and am ashamed. I feel like if I go back, then it's like me admitting my own unworthiness and it's not only that. I also have a bad back, because of scoliosis and I feel like I can't lift heavy weights anymore, because some old people we lifted, were like over 100kgs and also I need to be careful, because of my kidneys. When I was used to able to lift more, but now even just carrying a food bag back from the close store gets me be out of breath.

It's hard, when you have to start from scartch, what I do with studying tourism and hotel management. I love it a lot, but I'm a total newbie and it's hard to get your foot through the door, but I'm going for it. I can imagine myself as a leader.

Others call me a life long student, but it's something I love and also offers me a very nice change and I get to communicate with new people. It has benefits. Still it would be nice to get a job again, where I know exactly, what I'm doing and where I don't need to lift heavy stuff and what offers me joy. I'm very proud of all the skills I've gotten, because they have been helpful to me too, even if I didn't finish those schools, like computer skills and knowing how to sew and so on. I'm proud of being a professional in caregiving. I have a certificate too. It helps me out at home, since I do deal with disabled family members.

Though often I feel like all of this are just exuses and lazyness on my behalf.

Not really. I sometimes have a good hair day what offers me euphoria. It's all because of my bad self image and body dysmorphia. I also feel ashamed over how much I weigh and that has given me issues, because I tend to feel guilty for eating and not eating. I've been thinking of getting help with that, because this can't continue. I don't wish to reach 100kgs. I've been trying to cutting out bad habits, like eating late at night and eat less carbs too. I can't afford much of the healthy foods, so I need to find that balance.

Because of depression I often do not have energy to cook and neither do the family members, so I skip meals. I sometimes eat once a day.

I'm properly keeping up with doctors appointments and taking my medication, but sometimes I do forgot, because of my adhd. I don't exercise regurarly. I do need to do that though, but I get too tired. My D vitamin levels and ferritiin levels are low, so it problably contributes to my tiredness.

No there isn't

This is what I've been trying on doing.

No worries there. I mainly have been getting back into anime, that's it. I love art, but I don't go nuts. I'm just learning a bit about design and how to draw cute animal characters and that's it.