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TW: I'm realizing I may have been abused

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by TinyWerewolf, Sep 19, 2022 at 9:41 PM.

  1. TinyWerewolf

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    I almost made this anonymous.

    I've said some things in previous threads about my situation, so I'll try to make this recap part short. I did something stupid at eighteen that resulted in my being a bi trans guy to my parents. They didn't accept me and still don't. It happened in the middle of the semester when I was in college- I was already kind of burnt out at that point, but that event made my depression and anxiety hit me like a freight train. The ways I tried to cope were unhealthy to say the least. Suicide was a passing thought, but it came often. At the end of the semester my grades were trash, I would've been on probation but not kicked out. However, my parents had a different plan- in addition to my awful grades, my university was supportive of me. They didn't like that one bit. Someone let my parents in the building and up the stairs leading to my dorm, they were in there waiting for me after I returned from the shower (didn't lock my door that day, like an idiot). Words were had, I went back to the bathroom to change quickly. When I came back they were packing up all my things, they forced me to leave and go home with them.

    That's when two other things took place as well. This is where this is about to get lengthy.

    The first was while I was still in my dorm with them packing up my stuff. My mom noticed I was packing. She said, "She's got something in her pants!" and grabbed where my dick would've been through my jeans. I felt violated and taken aback. It's probably stupid since it was just socks and not my actual flesh, but I felt her squeeze it and it felt so wrong and gross and uncomfortable. It traumatized me.

    The second was my dad forcing me to go sign the paperwork to end my staying there. I signed it against my will, under duress. I was afraid to call security or ask anyone to- I thought it might turn into a brawl between my dad and the security people. I didn't want anyone to end up beaten or in jail, I loved my parents even after everything they'd said and done already, so I kept my mouth shut like a coward.

    After that, I was taken home. My keys were no longer in my grasp, my car was in my mom's name anyway. A day later I was cut off from contacting my friends and asking for help on a forum similar to this- all devices I had access to were disconected from the internet, the wifi password changed, my laptop charger was taken, my phone's data and plan were cut off, and when I sat my phone down on the edge of the fireplace and started to cry one of them snuck in and took it while I had my back turned. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere outside our property but church. Then the covid pandemic started. I was only ever allowed to speak to my best friend off of my mom's phone. It went that way until I was allowed to use the computer to apply for jobs, just shy of one and a half years later.

    During that time at home I felt so alone and helpless. They isolated me from everyone- even pre-pandemic. They deadnamed and misgendered me constantly, told me I was mentally ill and confused for being trans and bi, said I would never be a man, said I had demons plaguing my mind or inside me. That's not all the bad things they've said towards me either. I tried to explain to my mom and brother, and they tried to explain me out of it rather than listening. My mom took the only hoodie I had that completely hid my chest, four pairs of my boxers, all of my black crew socks, and threatened to cut up my binder. I was forced to listen to conservative news channels and videos of religious bigots without saying a word or face yet another homophobic and transphobic screaming rant. I had no energy, I wanted to die. My dogs, a short chat with my best friend once a month, and journal were my only solace if any was to be had.

    My parents still own my car and have their names on my bank account. I bought my current level of freedom through hiding and silence over time- but it came with a hefty personal price. It has been nearly three years, will be in December. I don't have enough to move yet, but I am saving up. I have therapy over the phone in secret, and my coworkers and bosses understand and appreciate me.

    My question is this: how do I begin healing? I've been living a life where compartmentalizing is like breathing, I repressed more than I've realized, and under extreme stress I dissociate and feel like I'm floating away. How do I survive?
     
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  2. chicodeoro

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    Oh Jack, I often think about you and what you have been through. I feel you're still just processing it - what your parents did was disgraceful. Of course.

    How do you survive? By putting one foot in front of the other and getting through to the end of the day. And then another day. And the next day. And so on. That's how I survived during 2020 when I was at my lowest. You WILL get through this. You have survived over two years. You will get there. I have faith in you.

    Keep on saving up. Living for the future. And dreaming of the man you will be one day.

    Remember you have a friend here in London - and others here on EC from around the world - willing you on. When things get dark, and the dysphoria gets too overwhelming close your eyes and think of us, your friends, your allies, out there in the great beyond.

    Big big hugs,

    Beth xxx
     
    #2 chicodeoro, Sep 20, 2022 at 4:16 PM
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2022 at 4:17 PM
  3. DragonChaser

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    Oh, little brother, I'm so proud of you for reaching out and so sad that everything is so challenging for you right now!

    We've spoken to some length about my feelings regarding your biological family and how very welcome you are in my family of choice, but I think what would benefit you most right now is spending time away from their influence, to start understanding yourself.

    Please, find refuge elsewhere. I know you will be letting go of a lot, but you will be gaining your life, to be lived as you see fit, in exchange.

    Foremost, I say this to everyone; NO ONE is allowed you put their hands on you without your permission, for any reason, no matter who they are.

    I'm here, I believe you, I believe in you, your feelings are valid, and I hope this helps you find peace with yourself and the next steps in your journey towards personal acceptances.

    I love you with all my heart! Stay safe and stay strong! :heart:
     
  4. Cinnamoon

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    I wasn't sure whether to write something or not, but I'll give it a go.

    We've been chatting here for a while now, you come across as an amazing, mature, kind, caring and helpful person. Not once when we were talking did I know how bad things were for you right now, and for that I apologise. You have been through so much, I agree with Lydia when she says that if there's any way you can find some other refuge, it would most likely help you to do so.

    I always knew it was hard for you to use this site undetected, to respond to messages and posts. But I never knew explicitly how hard and I'm so sorry I didn't.

    You deserve so much better. Like Beth says, keep saving and working if you can. Keep in with your current company, maybe you could talk to your bosses and ask if there's any full time work or work available in a different city or part of the country? I don't know how things work in your country and your company but from what I've heard you have a supportive workplace at least.

    I can't give the best advice, but I wanted to write something because you deserve to as many responses as possible and to know that you're cared about and valued on here. I'm so sorry this isn't the case in your family, but please know we all support you here, your workplace supports you, and there's many more of us out there rooting for you and others like you to finally get the life you deserve.
     
  5. Cinnamoon

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    I'm so sorry, I seem to make a lot of writing errors lately. You're likely to spot one, but I hope my message comes across regardless. You are loved and cared for even though it may not immediately feel like it sometimes, I wish I could help more but for now I will leave you with what I've already said. I hope, among the other, more capable replies, it helps at least a tiny bit. You deserve a lot better that what you're going through
     
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  6. Rayland

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    I can only echo what others have said and I've said in our messages. Reaching out and talking about your feelings is a step towards healing.
    Like it was said. You have family all over the world dear little brother. What your parents did is absolutely awful and no wonder that you're traumatized because of it. I wish I could be more helpful, but whenever you wish to reach out, then you know where to find me. Loads of warm hugs your way.
     
  7. Aeolia

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    dude that's fucked up... don't ever dare think they were in their right to do any of that.
    you're pretty strong to have withstood all that, you can be proud.

    the only advice I'd have to give comes from the place of depression and has already been said: take it one day at a time. it may be too hard to make plans and the like for now. So grind as much as you can and put money on the side.
    Don't take any unnecessary risks at home and try "play ball" as much as you can until you can leave.

    If you have enough energy for it and are sure your parents won't know about it, maybe try to open up another bank account in your name and to put money on it every month. And transfer everything left on your regular account to the new one the day you leave.

    remember that every second spent playing the part of the kid they want you to be is not wasted but a step towards the moment you can finally leave, stop the act and enjoy the rest of your life.

    stay strong brother :fist:
     
  8. TinyWerewolf

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    Sorry for my late response, I tried to write this last night and started to fall asleep (only to cough my head off for most of it lol).

    Thank y'all for responding, it's greatly appreciated.

    I am definitely still processing it, I've only really recognized it as abuse recently. When I say recently, I mean this past week. I had on a blindfold so to speak, and I did it to myself.

    It's thinking of y'all that helps me keep taking steps forward. Sometimes this feels hopeless and I don't want to keep going, but I do thanks to you supportive, lovely people. Thank you for your help so far, Beth, you've helped me a lot with your kind words both in the past and now. I'm going to try to keep squirreling away what I can for now and put one foot in front of the other like you said. I'm going to be leaning on people here for a bit until I regain a bit more composure though, I have to for a second.

    Thank you, for everything, big sis- for the nights you consoled me over this stuff, for every gif and meme and cute animal video, for loving me, for being you.

    I want out, but I also don't want to leave my family behind- not my siblings and nieces and nephew at least. I definitely need time away from my parents, they don't understand how much they've hurt me and I'm not about to make them try. My sister's kids are a huge part of why I've stayed this long though, I have no reason to doubt my sister will keep me from seeing them once I come out again. I wish this didn't bother me, but the prospect deeply anguishes me. A very close friend once told me, "It's possible to do what's best for you and still love them." I suppose I need to heed the advice of both you and her- though I don't know how to make myself do it.

    I love you with all my heart too! ❤️

    Thank you so much, you're very sweet, smart and caring and that shows every time I speak with you. Please, don't apologize for not knowing though, I try not to talk about it very often. I don't want to seem like I'm seeking attention or having a pity party- but I've reached a point where I needed a bit of support so I made a thread.

    I'm considering working a second job, but I am about to get a bit of a raise. I like my job most of the time, and the people I've come out to have been supportive (and one of those people is my district manager, that was a relief). The company I work for is huge, we have locations everywhere here in America, and some in Canada and other countries too I think. There is a city about twenty minutes or so further than where I currently work that has four locations, but I think only one or two have full time slots. If our location makes another million in sales our district manager may give our store a full time slot, but I'm not going to bet on that. If the slots at the other stores come open again I may apply though. If I stay with this company long term and full time I'll have trans insurance, that's kind of hard to find where I currently live.

    Thank you, knowing I have support from y'all keeps me going. It's like a big virtual hug. Knowing I have a community that cares about me here helps so much.

    Thank you, big brother! I'm sending you hugs too! I took your's and Lydia's advice making this thread, normally I'd just internalize it and eventually break down. Having people who care about and support me makes all the difference in the world though, I'm not alone. Thank you for all the times you've listened to me and given advice.

    I'm trying to get of here as fast as I can, but I also have to be careful. I have ways I could make a bank account without them knowing, but it's secretly putting money in it that would be tricky. I don't think they look at it for the most part, but my cousin works at my bank. I've got some serious thinking to do there.

    I keep telling myself I have to play the long game, sadly it's true. I want out of here but also want to still be around my family- I'm not sure I can have both though.
     
  9. BiGemini87

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    I knew some of your challenges through our talks, but I was unaware of how bad things were. I'm so sorry you went through that, and that you're still dealing with it. Processing abuse and the trauma that comes with it will take time--it varies from person-to-person, but suffice it to say, it's likely to be a long, difficult process.

    That said, it will have its bright parts, too. I'll echo others' advice: keep saving up, keep seeking help when/where you can, and above all, please, please don't give up. And as you're 20 years of age, your parents have absolutely no right to your bank account; if you can change it so only you have access, please do so. The more you're able to save without being under their watchful gaze, the better.

    Do you still live with them? It's been some time since we last spoke, so I'm a bit hazy on your current living arrangement. But if you can get away from them, do so as soon as you can. No one can flourish under those conditions, much less heal. Only once you're safely away from them can the real healing begin.

    Keep us apprised of what's going on. We're here for you whenever you need us. <3
     
  10. TinyWerewolf

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    Thank you, BiGemini, I really appreciate it. ❤️

    I do still live with my parents and I don't think my friends could currently take me in. Between the housing market being crazy, inflation, and all the full time work being elsewhere I don't think I could afford it anytime soon despite the raise. For the time being I am stuck. I guess that's what I get for dropping out and not having any useful or in-demand skills. I might as well join the family business of farming, I probably would if they would accept me.

    I started that bank account at sixteen, that's the only reason their names were ever on it. I've brought up removing them before, but it's a bit of a sore subject with them between everything else. They also think I'm irresponsible because of how I was in college. To be frank, I don't think they realize how their treatment of me has permeated so much of my life. If I didn't get therapy through work I'd likely be in even worse shape. Some days this feels like a losing battle, but I haven't given up yet.