Trying to understand butch lesbians as a straight man

I'm going to try not to get annoyed at this because I know you just don't understand and it is a genuine question but this is something that I have heard asked so so so many times before and the answer is never ever going to change, no matter how many times people try to find loopholes in it.

Perhaps she realised that actually it was for her and she does like that kind of thing.

Define "acts like a man"? I'm sure many of us do things that could be seen as male behaviour but that doesn't make us men if we're not.

And yes, butch women do look more masculine than other women but the predisposing factor is that they are still women. They still have all the physical characteristics of other biological women, they still do the same things that any other woman does. Some people like a more masculine looking woman but the fact remains that they still want a masculine looking woman not a man.

It's impossible to explain why people are attracted to the things they're attracted to, they just are, and I know you don't understand that from this point of view but it is something that you're just going to have to accept, whether you understand it or not. Theoretically you could ask the same question of a gay man. If he is dating an effeminate man, why not just date a woman? Because that effeminate man is still a man, regardless of anything else.

And on the flipside of that looking at hetero relationships, if a man is dating a butch woman, or a woman dating an effeminate man, why do they not just pack it in and date someone of the same sex instead?

 

lol

 

what Does a butch lesbian bring that you don't simple ,a vagina and breasts . Since your a man I'm sure you don't have any of those .
Sure she looks masculine but ,take off those clothes and there is a female body under those clothing . Butch lesbian is just a woman that likes to dress masculine and act masculine that's just her personality doesn't make her a man . You talk as if your competing against another man ; I think lots of people forget that a butch lesbians are still a women at the end of the day . Another thing female sexual pleasure isn't all about penises and penetration Try to think beyond that .

 

Sadly I imagine these are all common misconceptions in people that haven't spent time around queers...

Firstly, enjoyment of penetration ≠ heterosexual penetrative sex. Not necessarily, anyways. One can enjoy such a sensation without a real dick being involved. The shape of dildos are strictly a convenience.

Now, that being said, since you have not indicated that your wife has told you that she is a lesbian, there are two options here:

1. She is a lesbian that was in denial over her true attractions, and while sex is sex, and many lesbians can kinda-sorta enjoy sex with men, being in a relationship with a women is ultimately more fulfilling. In this scenario, a woman is the only type of person that's going to get her to a level of true fulfillment. Honestly, it'd be like you dating a man - I assure you that you could still find it pleasing, as you do in fact have a prostate, (if you as a straight man can get over the fact that it's a man), but you'd never find it as fulfilling as a relationship with a women.

2. (the most likely option if what you say about how she likes men is true, in my opinion) She is bisexual. She does in fact get the same fulfillment out of sex with men and women. And that really is the end of the story... she likes another person now, sorry.

Or, hell, let's even throw in #3 (least likely imo): She actually is straight and this is just a fling. Even if this is the case, you're going to have to wait it out, man.

Now let's look at this from these three potentials:

1. If she really is a lesbian, this point is irrelevant. Lesbians like women - whether they are butch, femme, androgynous, DOES NOT MATTER.

Let me put it this way for you - let's say you like feminine women (for all I know you like butch women, but you haven't told me either way, so let's assume): There are without a doubt any number of feminine gay and bisexual men out there with a very similar personality - why not date them? They're the same as women, after all. Do you get my point? Or if you happen to like masculine women, same story: there are plenty of gay and bi "bears" out there - why not date them?

Obviously you already know the answer to that, they aren't women. Well, apply it the other way. If your ex-wife is truly a lesbian, you are not a woman, therefore it isn't going to work out.

2. She's bisexual. Now it's even more so an irrelevant point, since she has the potential to find any sex attractive. In which case, she would seem to be with the girl because she likes her. Who knows, maybe she'll get out of that and come back to you? I sure as hell don't know, so you're left to just wait it out.

3. She's actually straight, and she'll probably figure that out eventually. That still doesn't ensure that you're the "fall back" position - so you're still going to have to wait and see.


There ya are mate. Any other questions?

 

Being attracted to masculinity and being attracted to men are two different things. No matter how masculine this woman is, she will still be a woman.

I don't see why you are wondering if her needs are being met. If her needs weren't being met, don't you think she'd leave? Maybe she still does like men, but also likes women. Is it bothering you that you lost your wife, or that you lost her to a woman? Did you care about whether or not her needs were being met before she started seeing this lady?

Maybe your wife is indeed a lesbian. Nobody can say except for her.

 

Another note I'm lesbian and enjoy penetration with dildos and fingers but I do not enjoy it
with men . So her enjoying a dildo is irrelevant to her liking women .

---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2014 at 12:17 PM ----------

I don't know him but from what I've seen most men don't care about their women's need til after stuff like this happens but I'm assuming she either didn't know herself if she's lesbian or bisexual and probably just figured it out or kept it from him for a while .

 

I think he feels emasculated, really.

 

I think it's because men put too much of their worth in their penises and think that the world revolves or mostly women around their penis . So when something like this happen it's a hard it on their egos. When her liking women or any woman on the planet liking women has absolutely nothing to do with them .

 

For a lot of men I would say that is true, but let's try not to generalize. :icon_wink

But you're right, a woman liking a woman has nothing to do with her not liking men.

 

What is .. I don't even. Wow. I am speechless. If she wants to be with this person that is her decision to make. If she does still have feelings for you, that does not invalidate her feelings for this other person. Being butch does not in any way make you a man. Gender is so much more than appearance, and I think it's important for you to accept that it is not your place to make decisions for someone. These things that you know ... don't assume you know what is going on in in the mind of someone else. Liking penetration has nothing to do with orientation. You can't force someone to be with you or like you. That is disrespectful to them.

 

I don't think this is about sex. Or about sex alone. I think that even if you are able to please her physically it wouldn't matter. Life is about more than sex or who you have it with. I think you should move on, especially if she finds out you think this way about her. I know if I were her and I found out someone placed that little value on someone I cared about(which if she chose this person over you she most likely does) I would be pretty insulted.

 

Maybe she actually likes this woman as a person and it's not all about sex...

Just saying.

 

Your not getting the what I'm saying ;What I meant was it has nothing to do with the man in general it's not his fault , it's not his sex moves or what he does in bed none of that really matters . She is just attracted to women even if she's bisexual or lesbian it has nothing to do with them and I wish they would stop blaming themselves . Like Oh my God what did I do , Oh I didn't do the right moves in bed , or Oh my penis wasn't big enough, all of that doesn't not matter . And in case of a lesbian yeah it does have to do with her not being attracted at all men because a lesbian is a homosexual woman but it's not the man's fault that's how she was born . No matter how many sex moves a man does or how big his penis is he can't change a lesbian from only being into women , it doesn't matter what he does . with a bisexual woman, she can be attracted to him and like men and their penises but no matter how good moves he has or how big it is he's not going to stop her from liking women or dating a woman or wanting sleeping with one . Women's sexuality do not center around men , same with how gay men's sexuality do not center around women . People are just born the way ,they are and like what they like, nothing anyone does can change it . But we live in a world that tells us how every woman on the planet need men and want them and it's simply not true but we live in a world that teaches us the opposite and this is why this subject is so hard for most straight men to understand , that woman could have been feminine and he would have still been wondering this .

---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2014 at 01:02 PM ----------

Some butch women do like penetration and use dildos and fingers how a person dresses doesn't show what they like in bed .
Butch and feminine lesbians can like penetration whatever you heard that from is quite wrong and there are some feminine lesbians that hate penetration .

---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2014 at 01:06 PM ----------

It doesn't matter if they enjoyed sex with you or if you were not selfish she is just attracted to women it's simple as that it has nothing to do with you . You didn't do anything wrong it's just how she is . what you do in the bed sexually is irrelevant in her attraction to women . You could give her a billion orgasms it's not going to stop her from wanting to be with another woman . Stop blaming yourself it has nothing to do with you .

---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2014 at 01:08 PM ----------

Men think when it comes to gay women it's just about sex and who has the best moves and not about us liking the woman as a person . I find this very sad that they think that way .(not all men but a huge amount do think this way ) . Because they have women are only attracted to men type of thinking it never crosses their minds that their wife or girlfriend could be bisexual or lesbian the first thing they do is start blaming themselves and talking about their sex moves and how many partners they pleased . I feel sorry for them when they think it's their fault that their wife is into women or in this case into a woman .

 

Apparently you don't know her all that well, if she's off having butch lesbian sex.

Let's just take the sex part of it, as that's really all you're interested in figuring out here. Just as it is with a man, women having sex with women is going to be different from partner to partner. Maybe she didn't like the last girl she had a fling with, maybe their bodies just didn't sync up. The point about this woman being butch is completely irrelevant.

Saying that she likes penetration is far different than liking "man-bits." Women can penetrate other women, and some lesbians do like dildos and things that function like a penis would inside a woman, but it's not really about the penis itself. It's about the partner. I don't know about other women, but I have almost zero feeling past about an inch and a half to two inches and after that, it all feels just about the same, but I still do enjoy penetration (keyword, penetration). Whether I open my eyes and my partner is male or female, for me, doesn't matter. Lesbians don't want to open their eyes and see a guy, because they are attracted to women. You need to learn that the attraction, and the enjoyment of sex and penetration are very different things.

You're trying to make this about the sex, and it's not about the sex. It's about the person that she's having sex with.

 

well put Jenna

 

Abuse from men and men treating women bad has nothing to do with a woman being lesbian or bisexual . I was mistreated and abused by women as a child and men were much kinder to me in my childhood I have a great relationship with both my step dad and my dad and I am only attracted to women and not men . I get a long very well with most men in real life and had many male friends in high school .
I'm not saying get over it, I'm saying stop blaming yourself it is not your fault , you did nothing wrong . You are not the problem , you never were . she just likes this women and that's all to it. Stop the self blaming this is not your fault . There is nothing you could have done or changed to stop her from liking this woman or women for that matter . This is not your fault . has it ever came across your mind that she was with you because she loved you as a person and she cared for you that she choose you out of everyone else . But it's easier for men stuff like this to reduce it to just sex because thinking it's more than that will hurt more right