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Trying to process how I feel and not sure what to do

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mlansing, Sep 21, 2021.

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  1. mlansing

    mlansing
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    I recently got in touch with my ex who lives far away. We chatted and got caught up with each other. I had been planning a fall trip for a weekend but I wasn’t sure where to go, and then after talking to him I thought why not go see him? He was enthusiastic about it, and we also were up front and agreed we would want to be intimate with each other.

    So I booked my ticket, and since then we have been texting regularly and my feelings and his too have been getting kicked up again. Only thing is he told me he was casually hooking up with someone and I asked if he would mind refraining from doing that before my arrival. He said he could probably do that and we went on texting with each other.

    Just last night, though, he told me that he had hooked up with him again and might still in the next week or so. I appreciate his honesty, but I also feel hurt at the same time, even though I know we’re not together and he technically doesn’t owe me anything.

    I’m just in a weird place with it because I feel like the air has kinda been blown out of my tire. I’m willing to admit that maybe it was unfair for me to set parameters on our meeting, but I tend to be kind of a hypochondriac when it comes to sexual health and he knows that and I just feel like out of a courtesy to me since I was the one paying to visit him maybe it wouldn’t have killed him to wait to have sex with me in the few week interim period.

    I’m wondering if I even want to go on the trip now because I don’t want to feel like the next person in line to have sex with him. Also everything just feels more complicated by the fact that my feelings have stirred up again but yet there’s very little prospect of us rekindling the relationship anyway because we live so far away from each other.

    I’m just trying to process how I feel about it all. I don’t think he’s a bad person for doing this, and I’m glad he was honest with me. Normally I am not this way with sex but I guess it’s different when it’s someone I have feelings for.
     
    #1 mlansing, Sep 21, 2021
  2. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    It sounds like you need to define your real intentions. Feeling hurt, suggests something more to me than a sense of irritation about the sexual issue. Reading between the lines, I get the impression you really hope to rekindle the relationship and you are perhaps more invested in the idea than you realise.

    I would suggest taking a step back in order to see how things have changed and moved on since you split up. He's hooking up with other guys and seems to really want/need that right now, so much so that he cannot make a commitment to you not to do it. Even if his feelings have been stirred up, he's clearly not looking for anything more than a casual arrangement - with anyone.

    I don't think he is a bad person. If you look at his answer to the parameter you tried to set, it was fairly non-committal:
    What he was really saying was that he would make no promises... "probably" always leaves wriggle room and that's his right as a free agent. You are both free agents now and can't hold each other to anything.

    Honestly, I think the best you can hope for is a good time with someone who remains a friend. There may be the possibility of a continuing 'with benefits' arrangement, but you will need to think very carefully about that, given the history of your relationship with each other. FWB tends to work best with someone who you have never been (and never seek to be) romantically involved with.

    Step back and try to see things for what they are and then make a decision.
     
    #2 PatrickUK, Sep 22, 2021
  3. QuietPeace

    QuietPeace
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    Preferring not to have sex with someone who has random hookups is not hypochondria nor is it irrational. It is smart and healthy.

    Given that a person can in fact live without sex unlike air, water and food; he certainly could have abstained without it killing him. The thing is that refraining for a few weeks is not enough to make sure you would in fact be safe, it takes six months of abstaining to fully test for HIV.

    Maybe you need to reconsider what you are really looking for here. If you were going to visit him as a friend then that is something that you can still do while avoiding sex with him. Were you actually hoping to initiate a monogamous relationship with him? It really seems from his actions that he is not interested in that at all.
     
    #3 QuietPeace, Sep 22, 2021
  4. mlansing

    mlansing
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    I appreciate the replies. When I initially planned the trip I was under the impression that he was not that active on the scene because he had been single for quite a while. I am not judging him for being sexually active, just to be clear, it was just the impression I had.

    Tbh right now this whole thing feels like a waste of my time and energy. I am willing to admit that maybe a part of me was hoping to get something more than a fun weekend out of this, but I feel now the futility of that. I haven’t felt strongly for someone in what feels like a long time, and maybe I just wanted to feel something again even if I knew I could end up feeling hurt in the process.

    I will just let it sit for now and see how I feel after a bit of time has passed. The trip isn’t until October 8, so I have a bit of time still.
     
    #4 mlansing, Sep 22, 2021
  5. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    I hate to say it, but sometimes we just need to make the break and accept that when it's over, it's over. I know some relationships come to an end without bitterness and acrimony, so the two people agree to remain 'friends', but it doesn't always work out that well. Feelings may remain beneath the surface and it can make it more difficult to move on and cause issues in future relationships. It can also open us up to even more hurt in the long run.

    I think it's a good idea to consider it a bit more.
     
    #5 PatrickUK, Sep 23, 2021
  6. mlansing

    mlansing
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    You are so right on about this. Funny thing is I typically take a pretty hard line against being friends with exes, and to be fair he and I hadn’t had a proper conversation for at least 4 years prior to this. I was in a vulnerable place when I reached out to him, despite my better inclinations not to.

    Even if this trip still happens, at any rate, I am not holding out hope for something more beyond that.
     
    #6 mlansing, Sep 23, 2021
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  7. mlansing

    mlansing
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    I ended up going on the trip after all (I am here right now). He has been very sweet to me while being here, but I feel like we’re still just not on the same page with each other about what we want, and we may never be. I will have to distance myself once again once I get back home. It’s hard when you really like someone, maybe even love them, and they’re just not fully there with you. It’s ok, though; it’s not his fault. But it’s still a bitter pill to swallow :frowning2:
     
    #7 mlansing, Oct 10, 2021
  8. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    At least you recognise it. Try to enjoy the trip for what it is, but don't allow yourself to become invested in the idea of rekindling things. Maybe on a subconscious level you have avoided love and intimacy with other people while still carrying a torch for your ex? Maybe this trip will allow you to draw a line under the past and more clearly define who or what you are looking for in terms of dating and relationships.
     
    #8 PatrickUK, Oct 15, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2021
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  9. mlansing

    mlansing
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    That’s possible. I think also that I just haven’t felt this way for another person in what feels like a long time, and it’s hard to let that go. I’ve had other relationships since him but I just wasn’t that into those guys and so things eventually dissolved.

    I am back from the trip now and neither one of us is reaching out, which I think is better so that we can both move on. Thanks again to you all for talking it through with me :slight_smile:
     
    #9 mlansing, Oct 15, 2021
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