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Trying to make sense of my sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by epworf74, Dec 13, 2019.

  1. epworf74

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    Here this goes. I am a 29 year old (pretty much) virgin male. I hope someone will read this and know they are not alone, as I had been looking for a similar story to mine but had not seen it, hence why I am biting the bullet and posting mine. I am going to be completely open and honest in this from the bottom of my heart, which is very hard as my conscious mind wants to tell me to reword things in a way that makes it seem like I am more straight than bisexual or gay.

    Throughout my earlier years growing up (high school/college) I always felt attracted to girls (and still do in real-life) and had a couple of flings but they never went anywhere; 1) I think I ended up having sex with one girl while drunk, and 2) the other a beautiful girl who I got bj/hj from ... - never able to climax on either occasion with either girl, although still enjoyed the experiences a lot.
    My porn exposure at this stage was mainly women in lingerie magazines and softcore bra and panties tease/encouragement videos etc - I still jerk off to this type of stuff today and still enjoy it.

    Now this was all fine and well until I found out about my 'panty fetish' through porn. I realised I REALLY enjoyed it when I saw girls wear specific panties (full back satin panties/granny panties/nylon panties etc, especially their ass, pantylines), and did not enjoy the sight of a naked pussy (although love boobies!). This was weird as I thought hmm I am supposed to enjoy the sight of a vagina and enjoy wanting to penetrate a woman, what is wrong with me... I just thought hmm never mind I just have a fetish (and who knows maybe it is just that) and that when I meet the right girl I will want to be inside her (I do feel my later porn addiction has drained my desire for bodily intimacy whilst increasing fetish desire).
    At around or just after this time was when I had the urge to dress up in my mum's panties, and I remember the first time I did, I literally came from anticipation/excitement without even really stimulating myself..! Since this period I have not crossdressed since as I am share-housing and am afraid my housemate might find out somehow. I had also developed a further subfetish for granny panties and came close a few times to stealing a pair I saw on a neighbours clothesline. I had also gotten one of the few hard-ons I had ever got in the community by seeing an old 60 year old lady bending over doing her gardening and being able to see her granny pantyline. - Yep, I know how much of a creep I sound like :frowning2:

    Now you should know I have always been bad socially and tend to like keeping in my own bubble and have to force myself to get out of the house and socialise, which no doubt adds to my anxiety; I am working on that.

    Now by the age of say 22 and now for the last 7 years I have become heavily addicted to porn (it is a struggle now to climax without porn). I then found out about a few different porn sites and videos that focused on older woman in vintage lingerie and also crossdressers in panties etc. This blew my mind and every new video seemed like I was getting a deeper sexual arousal than anything I had experienced in my life say with the two women I had flings with in my college days.
    This is when I started to question my 'straight' sexuality; in these porn videos were guys wearing panties, and guess what, I found it attractive when I saw an old fat man wearing granny panties with his cock sticking out making a tent through the material - I thought mmm I'd love to be right in-front of it caressing it through the panties.
    In these videos several phrases like 'pantied cock', 'crossdressers kissing cocks' etc came up, and these are phrases that because I have watched the videos so many times and read the blurbs, they are in my subconscious and I do masturbate saying these type of phrases in my head sometimes (feel terrible doing it because it goes against my conscious mind of 'I am straight').

    A while ago I came to the conclusion that I was bisexual and came out to one friend. But it really is an ongoing cycle of me wondering if I am gay, bisexual, or straight with a transvestic bisexual fetish.
    This is because one day I will climax to a video of a girl teasing me in her granny panties, the next a video of say two crossdressers playing with themselves in lingerie and me thinking how I would like to suck their cocks (I also love cumshot facials, and after years of looking at bj/hj videos I think I now realise I enjoyed looking at the hard cock and the cum spurting out as well as the beautiful girl's face who was doing the sucking (could be another bisexual hint), the next a video of a girl picking wedgies out of her panty ass (huge turn on), the next two mature mistresses 'pantying' a submissive sissy and making him suck on a dildo saying "that's a good sissy baby girl, suck on mommy's cock". Yep I know how f**** up all this sounds :frowning2:
    I do feel like I am in denial of my bisexuality as I often have thoughts like 'pantied ass/pantied cock/ass/pussy/sissy cock etc' in my monkey mind a lot through my day as regards to my turn-ons and which sexual orientation I fall under :frowning2:
    To be honest, I hate my kinks and fetishes and wish that I just had 'normal' heterosexual turn-ons of a woman's body only and could live a fulfilling life with a beautiful girl.

    I have never had a fully 'satisfying' sexual encounter in real life where I actually climaxed. All of my experiences so far have been with woman who I really did think are beautiful, but when it was time to get down and have sex I just could not get it up. As I have never really properly had penetrative sex I suffer from sexual anxiety really bad which I think is a factor. I also know most woman are NOT into the kinks I am into and therefore I end up feeling like I must 'enjoy' penetrative sex.

    When I think back to growing up there were a couple of times where I now realise could have been glimpses into my bisexuality at least; 1) when in grade 6 my school friends had been naughty and searched up vagina on google images, and I remember not finding it appealing. 2) with my best friend of some 10 years in early childhood and we were having a sleep over and I happened to catch a glimpse of his penis under his doona by pure accident. At the time I was not repulsed by it, but did not think anything of it. And 3) recently a guy who I caught myself looking at his tanned toned hairy legs. Please note that 95% of the time I am looking at the girls and they spark my eye with their beauty and womanly features.

    But still I am not sure if this is all porn-induced stuff and whether I am straight with bisexual tendencies. I am going to try to go cold turkey on stopping watching porn, and try and masturbate much less but pay a lot more attention to what scenarios I am making up in my head, and just pay more attention to the 'little signs of sexuality' that I will notice going forward in life.
    I find it such a scary situation for me at the moment possibly being bisexual/gay. I have been brought up with and have always yearned for a relationship with a beautiful girl and living happily ever after while also being able to please her in the bedroom. But so far my experiences have been me getting woman there with fingering, and me not being able to get it up because I am too afraid to tell them all my weird fetishes :frowning2:

    I have been thinking about seeing a crossdressing/sissy escort and experimenting with playing with his 'pantied cock' to see if I really would enjoy it? (I have a feeling I would).
    I really am scared because the idea of me having a sexuality where I meet up with a crossdresser is weird. I more imagine walking with a beautiful girl along the beach, having great mutual sex, and living life together.

    This is the situation I am in at this time in my life with trying to work out my (complicated to me) sexuality ... but I am always grateful for the gift of life and do still enjoy life a lot :slight_smile:

    Thanks for reading, and your thoughts are much appreciated.
     
  2. Chip

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    I'm not hearing much of anything that sounds consistent with true attraction to men. What I am hearing is that your sexual arousal is likely skewed because of the constant fetish porn you are watching. Thus, the decision to cut out porn entirely and learn to masturbate off of fantasy is an excellent idea.

    There may be some fetishes as well, but those should not impact your overall sexual arousal/attraction. I suspect that once you've spent some weeks away from porn, your hardwired attractions will become more obvious.
     
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  3. Silver Snow

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    Gotta agree with Chip on this one. Try turning off the porn. Being turned on by kinks and fetishes doesn’t equal your sexuality, in my opinion.
     
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  4. Dreamsexul

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    Just to say that there's nothing creepy, weird, wrong or shameful about having all kinds of kinks or fetishes.

    Paraphillias are not the same thing as sexuality or orientation, but they're not wrong or bad or gross. And neither is being gay or straight or bi or pan or gynephilic or whatever you are or end up being. Please don't fear or guilt trip yourself out over this. :slight_smile:

    And sissy/cross-dressing/ transvestistic fethism stuff is a pretty well known kink, and is one practised by plenty of heterosexual folk.

    Take your time and try to work out what it is you really want. No rush. Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
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  5. Silver Snow

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    I also agree with this. I didn’t consider that it might be taken that way. No shame in what you like.
     
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