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Trying to get up the courage to start dating

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Prof37, May 26, 2023.

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  1. Prof37

    Prof37
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    I'm feeling quite lost at the moment. I've struggled with my mental health for most of my life. About 15 years ago I had a breakdown and I was hospitalised. Since then I feel like I have been trying to rebuild my life but it has been a slow process

    At the moment part of me wants to try dating/being in a relationship. I'm kinda embarrassed to write this but I really want someone who cares about me and I could cuddle with and go to sleep in their arms. But there are several things that make me scared of starting dating...

    1) I think I might be on the asexual spectrum - not completely asexual but when I do experience attraction it takes a long time to become strong enough to act on and is very affected by the character off the person I'm drawn to. The idea of a one night stand/hooking up with someone doesn't appeal to me

    2) I think I have started to be attracted to men too. I think I do feel some physical attraction when I see certain men but not sure how easy it would be to find a man I can connect with emotionally. This also makes me reluctant to try dating women because I am scared it would be unfair to try and date someone while I am still so unsure of my own sexuality

    3) I have very little experience with sex/dating and have a lot of shame around this. I am very scared of kissing someone because I think it will be terrible at it.

    4) I am very unconfident about how I look and don't really believe someone will find me attractive

    5) I am very shy/socially awkward (if that wasn't already obvious)

    6) A few years ago my Dad became very ill and I became his carer (I'm an only child and my mother passed away a long time ago). He has been diagnosed with dementia and I stay at his house most of the time because he gets very confused when I am not there. I'm still very reluctant to go to bars/clubs/any crowded spaces or events because of the risk of getting Covid which could either make me unable to care for my Dad (even iif only temporarily) or I could give him Covid

    Thanks for reading my venting!
     
    #1 Prof37, May 26, 2023
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  2. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Hey. I am really sorry you have struggled so much with your mental health.

    I don’t think you should be embarrassed about wanting someone to cuddle. When I was first coming out and looking towards dating that was definitely what I was yearning for. In fact I said to my now wife, it’s not about the sex, it’s about having someone to share my life with. Someone to come home to and tell my day about and hold hands on the sofa whilst we watch tv.

    1. I don’t think you have to be asexual to not be into a 1 night stand. There is nothing wrong with that, it works for some people and that’s fine but I know I couldn’t do it. there is nothing wrong with only wanting to be intimate with someone you are committed to and want to have a connection with first.

    2. I don’t think you should let it stop you dating women Unless you are questioning your attraction to women?

    3. I can understand why you might be worried about this but you shouldn’t be. Are there people that would be put off by it? Sure, but then these are not the people for you. If you are kissing someone you are dating and connected to then it’s about sharing the moment, not about how good you are or how much experience you have. It won’t matter to the right person.

    4. It sounds like you have some self confidence issues, which I am sure you are working on, but ultimately everyone is attracted to different things, sure physical attraction is a part of it but for a lot of people it is more than physical, it is emotional and all about personality as well. Don’t assume you know what other people are looking for.

    5. I get that. I was/am, although I’m better than I was. It is hard when you struggle to chat to people but honestly the best thing you can do is just try to practise chatting to people. It won’t always be successful but you will get there.

    6. dating doesn’t have to be about bars and clubs. Honestly I can’t remember the last time I went to one.

    It’s good to vent :slight_smile:.
     
    #2 silverhalo, May 27, 2023
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  3. Prof37

    Prof37
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    Hi,

    Thanks for your reply and words of encouragement! I guess if I am honest and upfront about things like being inexperienced then I will just have to let the other person make up their mind about be (as you say, I can't assume what someone else is looking for)

    Also, v glad to hear that you have a wife! I always love to hear about LGBTQIA people finding/making the life they want and that makes them happy :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Prof37, May 28, 2023
  4. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Anytime. I’m not saying if you put yourself out there the world will suddenly be filled with roses but that there is no reason you cannot find the life you long for. It doesn’t have to be ‘hi I’m Prof37 and I’ve never kissed a woman before’ but equally there is no reason to hide it. If that makes them want to walk away then better you find out at that point because they are not someone you want to be with.
     
    #4 silverhalo, May 28, 2023
  5. Nameerf76

    Nameerf76
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    It's easy to say from the outside but I wouldn't worry about the kissing part - when you're with someone you like and they like you it won't be an issue! It will totally come naturally! I think if you imagine kissing someone you don't know or haven't met yet, you imagine they will be judging you on how "good" a kisser you are - but when you're with someone and you're both into each other it's not an issue - it WILL be good!
    Also as @silverhalo said - a lot of people are not into one-night-stands! My wife describes herself as "demisexual" which sums up a lot of people really!
     
    #5 Nameerf76, Jun 3, 2023
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