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Trying to Get My Daughter to Open Up More

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by BiGemini87, Oct 25, 2020.

  1. BiGemini87

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    Hey, sorry if this gets long.

    My daughter is 12 (turning 13 in May). She's never been particularly open about whatever's on her mind/how she feels about things. She'll talk a person's ear off about games, about OCs she's created, etc.--but not about anything significant. I don't mean to downplay her interests--because her hobbies, the things that make her happy, are significant too--but I'm more trying to illustrate the fact that she's very bottled up about everything else.

    I think getting closer to her teens certainly exacerbates it, but one thing in particular stands out: She gave me very obvious signs of not being straight before she even knew I was bi. Shortly after she learned (about 5 months, maybe) she came out to me as the same. She still hasn't opened up to my husband about this, but that's not the problem here, either.

    So, I did an unethical mom thing, but for the right reasons. I've been worried about her for a while; she seems distant, unhappy a lot of the time when she doesn't think anyone's looking--then she plasters on a fake smile and insists nothing's wrong. Back in the summer, I kept encouraging her to see her friends whenever she could (just to practice social distancing when she did). She managed to see them once. After that, she kept making excuses, but I had a feeling something happened between her and this one girl she was particularly close to (and had been for the past couple of years).

    So the unethical thing? I read her diary, and she very recently wrote about being depressed, about not knowing if she could keep faking smiles--about missing someone, wishing they hadn't broken up, being sorry that she had said hurtful things because she was so frustrated with the haters.

    To get to the point, I think she was dating the girl she was close friends with. I think, the last time she actually socialized with her (they can't at school now, because they're in different classes and different classes have separate zones during recess) someone caused them grief. I think she experienced homophobia and for whatever reason, despite my desperate attempts to get her to open up to me and my husband, she just doesn't feel able to.

    I am extremely worried about her. Like I'm nearly in tears writing this, because I want to help her--but she hasn't let me in. And the fact that she's struggling with depression, and I only know this because I snooped through her diary puts me in a precarious position. If I confront her, she's likely to just shut me out more--and then I can't help her at all.

    I guess I'm looking for some insight: if you're a parent yourself, or a kid close in age, I'd really appreciate some perspective. I just want her to be happy, and if anyone bullied her for being with this girl or for being different in general, I'd do anything to keep her safe/help her be her true self and keep other people from getting to her.
     
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  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @BiGemini87,

    That’s a tough situation. It’s understandable that you are worried. I know that I would be too.

    From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’ve worked our what happened. The problem you have now is that you can’t let her know that you read her diary, so you still need to hear it from her to be able to do anything about it.

    Could you try taking her out for day? Go for a walk somewhere nice where there are no distractions, just the two of you, and see if that helps her to open up. My daughter, who is quite a bit younger than yours, always talks more when we’re out and about on our own.

    Possibly you can prompt her by saying you’ve noticed she seems down or that you’ve noticed she’s not seeing so much of her friend, depending on how it goes. Or, since she responded in kind to you coming out, perhaps you could share time or example when you’ve fallen out with a friend. A tricky one to do without giving away what you know, but might work in the right circumstances.

    With regards to how you approach any potential bullying, and it’s unlikely that your daughter will want you to speak to the school, I would leave that hurdle for the moment and focus on getting her to open up. One thing at a time.
     
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  3. Lucy Marie

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    From one parent to another—oh sweetie I feel your pain.
    Some of my vague backstory (if you wish we can chat more privately). My son was born small. And he refused to grow. We spent years looking and then I spent time fighting an ex, but I got son officially diagnosed with autism and on human growth hormone.
    Those two things and him growing up showed me how not “normal” he is. With the exception of time spent on military post school, he was unhappy and bullied. Nothing hurts more than not being able to hurt the person who hurt your child, right?
    I will tell you what worked for him and perhaps it will help your little one.
    He started talk therapy. I had to do talking for first year, but eventually we found a good fit therapist.
    He started medication therapy. Yes, to all the ones you are likely thinking, but.....I think the medicine that did the most was the one getting his thyroid in check. Son does need other meds, but without thyroid med it is a bottomless pit.
    If you can I would suggest a medical check up, blood work. Your little one is coming of age and she needs her systems working together. And, also maybe talk therapy? I would use school counselor if there is one to get recommendations. School counselor might give you same insights as diary did—and no one needs know how you initially got information.
    The advice of going out with your little one and creating safe space for her to talk to you? Priceless!!! Remember that this is one step and all the rest will be easier if you two are close. Knowing what, if anything, is a physical malady fixing that will help with rest—it certainly did with my son (older than your little one)

    If you want further advice I am happy to help. Please let us know when your little one is feeling more like herself.
    ((momhugs)) for you that is mom to mom hugs
    ((momhugs)) for you that is a plain old Mom hug, we all need them.
     
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  4. SilentM

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    I'd ask her to show me her hobbies. Worst case scenario: you distract her from the negative thoughts, best case: she relaxes and opens up.
     
    #4 SilentM, Oct 25, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2020
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  5. RD Spencer

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    Our daughter has been going through a similar situation. She is a couple years older but occasional she has been going through some periods of mild depression.

    More recently things got a bit dramatic when her friends parents found out that the girls were kissing and found that they were texting sexually suggestive things to each other. Her friend’s parents spoke with my wife about it, and they were upset but understanding about this. Some rules were put in place for the girls but they are still allowed to talk to each other. Our daughter told my wife that she thinks she might like girls but is not sure. It turns out that she has been also talking to her aunt about how she feels as well. As parents we told her that its ok to feel the way she does and to take her time to think about how she feels. I haven’t heard about any bullying going on but she was afraid of us being upset with her for liking girls and now that’s out of the why.

    So far since she got over the initial drama of all this going down she has been in a better mood. She talks with her aunt quite a bit, probably sees her as a safe and understanding person to talk about these things with. Parents can be intimidating for kids to talk to even when the parents are open minded and understanding. We are working on setting up a therapist for her to talk to as well.

    I do think kids need someone to talk to that they can feel safe with and open up to. Its hard for kids see you as the parent who is in charge and sets the rules, but also as a non-judgmental friend at the same time.

    At this point we are playing by ear and see where things go.

    We have also been allowing our daughter see visit her friends often during the this covid outbreak and I think that has been helping out a lot as well.

    I know a lot of people will get worked up and red in the face with this but I personally believe that this social isolation is more dangerous than the covid for people middle aged and younger.

    Particularly kids and young adults are suffering from this isolation and its not being talked about or reported in the news much.

    Anyway, good luck.
     
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  6. BiGemini87

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    @LostInDaydreams I'll definitely have to give those both a try. I have tried to get her to open up by mentioning she seems down in the past, but I'll be sure to give it another go this time too--especially while taking some much needed mother/daughter time with her. It might be just what she needs to open up about what's going on. And opening up to her too might really help to get her comfortable. I think I struggle with showing vulnerability due to my own upbringing, so maybe doing so will make her feel less on guard, more like she can share her own vulnerabilities.

    @Lucy Marie Thank you so much for your kind and informative response. I know she used to attend counselling at school (they had "girl's group" a couple of years ago, and that's when she really started coming into her own, being more confident and whatnot) but I think it might be a good idea to see if they can recommend any local child/youth therapists. Even if it's someone she'd have to talk to over video call with headphones, that would probably go a long way toward helping her. I feel for you and your own struggles, as well; I hope it's been a great help for your son (and the relationship you share with him).

    @RD Spencer You make a really good point; as her parent, even if she knows I'm open-minded and here for her, it would still be difficult to cross that parent/child line. If not me, I'd just be happy if she had someone she felt comfortable opening up to, someone who can help her work through whatever she's going through. Maybe I can look into a sort of peer group through her school? I know it's pretty common for older students to provide that kind of relationship to younger ones, so maybe something like that would be good for her. And I agree with you; even people (like me) who are used to solitude are dealing with some psychological and physical health obstacles as a result. I believe Covid is serious, but the seriousness of one doesn't negate the other. I wish they would talk about it more instead of just dismissing it out of hand; adolescence is hard enough, but right now? I can't imagine being my daughter's age with all this going on.

    @SilentM I think that's a good idea. If I set more time aside to really let her express her interests, it might also help her open up more in other ways. But yes, at the very least, it might make her feel a little less hopeless about whatever's happened/is happening.


    Thank you all so much for your input; I really appreciate the insight, advice and suggestions you've all made. I'll definitely keep everyone in the loop if any changes--for better or worse--come up. <3
     
    #6 BiGemini87, Oct 25, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2020
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  7. BiGemini87

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    Hey, I just thought I'd give a little update: While she hasn't really talked much about depression (only that she has felt it a bit lately), my daughter has opened up to me in the past couple of days about how there are, or at least were mutual feelings between her and the friend I suspected she dated (I can't speak for the friend, but she says she still has feelings for her, at least). She didn't say much on the subject, only that she felt like she missed out on something with her and now that they can't really see each other, she's sad because she doesn't know where she and her friend stand. She was pretty matter-of-fact about it, so I suspect she's still repressing herself emotionally, but I chalk it up to her being nearly a teen (and being my kid; I've never really been the most open book, either).

    I still suspect that she did date this friend, given what I found--but I feel like this is a small victory that could lead to more. I've kept things pretty open, told her that if her thoughts grow heavy or if she just simply wants to, she can talk to me about anything; that I'll never judge, chastise, or belittle her in anyway.

    So here's hoping she'll open up further and keep me in the loop if/when she needs a shoulder.
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    It’s good to read that she’s opened up a little, @BiGemini87. Keep us updated and I hope she opens up more with time.
     
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  9. Lucy Marie

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    On the plus side....this is pretty typical behavior for that age. It matters not so much who with kids this age, but the intense feelings that arise! I am too old, HA, to remember my first crush—but I can recall how amazing the drama can be.
    From my perspective this is a good thing—it is teenager stuff not just LGTBQ+ stuff. If I am offending you (any of you) please accept my apologies—teach me. There are still, frustratingly, far too many problems for anyone in the community.
    And, it seems as though your daughter has realized she can come to you, she can talk about her sexuality with you and she KNOWS she can rely on your love.
    I hope the bridge you both crossed stays always open.
    Keep us posted,
    ((momhugs))
     
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