Trying to figure this out

Definitely hitting walls, I don’t know how to fix it, I’m certainly open to a new therapist - like a sex Therapist you mean? I’m not sure what the disconnect is or why it exists. There’s a fear that I’m not who I think I am. The only thing is I’ve done this before - I’ve tried to figure this out and it didn’t bring any real answers. At this point the anxiety has become almost debilitating - like I can’t be in social functions or work or sleep. The Prozac I don’t think is helping. I’m constantly thinking about whether I’m gay or not. 24/7. Is this normal? I feel totally insane.

 

I want to clarify a couple of things - if there’s this idea that I avoid homosexual people/places, that is not the case. I have many friends all over the spectrum - and I feel totally comfortable talking to my Therapist about my sexual orientation issues - I’ve been doing that constantly the past month or so that I’ve been dealing with this. As far as the disconnect between “I would be okay being gay” and my identity I don’t feel is as large as it’s being turned into right here. I mean maybe it is, but this feels slightly wrong to center on those two sentences over everything else I have written. I’m not a moron - I pride myself on being able to look at myself and my feelings without too much judgement. Yes, most people just think I’m straight due to my “vibe” or whatever - but I always make a point in the past (when this wasn’t so nightmarishly bothering me) to say I didn’t know. I do not want to lose women completely - the thought of that scares me the most I guess if that’s what you mean by disconnect. I have a history of anxiety issues yes I have been on lexapro, Zoloft, respridol, in the past. And the Prozac was prescribed by a psychiatrist not a regular MD.

 

It’s also strange because I really don’t feel it’s a possibility that I’m actually full on gay. If I really take a step back - but then maybe I have to just make peace with the fact that I am and I have to give up female sexual relationships and be with men from now on although that does not sound pleasant to me.

 

I’d also like to know what you mean by being gay being a “more likely possibility”?

 

Like I feel like I cannot pursue women because if it turns out I’m gay I’ve deceived them. I don’t really have any desire to pursue men but feel I should to rid myself of the anxiety.

 

This is interesting because I think you’re actually totally misunderstanding what I’m saying there - the fear comes first like this “am I gay?” and then I observe to see if I am. It’s not a feeling then an anxious reaction to that feeling. As far as doing a hook up with a guy I also feel I’m being misunderstood - I would much rather just be gay and not have the anxiety around it. I don’t know if I’m communicating myself correctly - I have literally zero desire to hook up with a guy - that’s not me being in some sort of denial believe me I really don’t want to do it. I’ve done it, I don’t enjoy it. But if it can provide a fix to the fear, or clarity, I will force myself to do it.

This is where I get confused because what you’re describing right there does not resonate with how I feel at all. It feels like a misinterpretation. Like I get why you came to that conclusion for sure off of what I have posted here and the information you have - but this makes me feel even more alone because I feel very misunderstood. I know I’m not 100% straight - I don’t care to be 100% straight. But to delegitimize the fear of losing women as if that’s only a thought a gay man can have seems odd to me to come to that conclusion. It is possible to be insecure about things without actually being those things - it is possible to have irrational fears. I have many of them.

This to me, is starting to be less about whether I’m actually gay or not and more about the crippling anxiety around it. Being gay I know would not be the end of the world, I’m not worried about having kids or the perceptions of me or losing “heterosexual privileges” I’m more worried about the worry itself? If that makes sense.

 

Also I should clarify - I’m not turned on by gay porn. I was able to get off to transsexual porn for a bit though.

Like I said this isn’t the first time I’ve thought about this, and I always feel like I’ve done enough and been open to the possibility. Of course I wouldn’t be thrilled at the identity of being gay - but I also am not thrilled at the prospect of having to be with men if that makes sense. Like it doesn’t feel like something I emotionally or logically want but I gotta accept the possibility that is true.

 

“Straight guys don't talk about finding a guy on a hookup app to "relieve their anxiety". They don't have the interest, desire or need. They aren't in any way turned on by gay porn. They don't fantasize at all about guys. They aren't worried that if they connect to their feelings for guys that they'll lose all interest in women.”

This is also interesting to me, you know this from what? I spend most of my life around gay, bisexual and straight identified men. I’m in theater for Christ’s sake. A lot of “straight” guys I’ve talkrd to have gone through periods of insecurity about their sexuality.

 

Sorry one more thing - I’m just trying to communicate this in a clearer way: a lot of the fear is around acceptance of the gayness - not being gay itself if that makes sense. In the parts you quoted that’s what I’m trying to say - I am afraid I’m incapable of accepting being gay if I was gay. Like a thought would be “what if I’m gay and I can’t accept it and then later in life I’m in some sort of Angels in America situation and I wasted my entire life” and then “what if all my anxiety and depression is simply just because I’m gay and denying who I am” and then I go to “if I can accept being gay then maybe I can drink and do drugs again as I will have solved the issue?”

 

I think at this point this whole thread has become more anxiety producing than productive for me. I think, I would be able to accept being gay in reality - in calm moments it feels like “What would be bad about that? Why am I tripping out it would effect literally nothing in my life”. BUT when I get into panic mode (as I have done in this thread) I freak out about “what if I can’t accept it though? What if I’m one of those gay guys who gets married and shit only to later fully come out? I gotta make sure that’s not the case” hence a spiral into analyzing my past and my reactions to things and then when I don’t have strong sexual reactions I think “well maybe that’s because of internalized homophobia” and then from there I think if I go force myself to hook up with a guy (as I have done in the past and it usually marks the beginning of the end of the obsession with the idea) it’ll make things clearer. I’m also pretty open with my friends about this struggle it’s not something I’m keeping to myself - I believe you are correct that this can’t be the sole cause of anxiety and addiction - I’ve thought in the past I had conquered the issues necessary to go back to it but it’s just a fantasy, there’s always something I’m freaking out about.

I’m in a bit of a calmer moment now though, and I want to apologize for the total freak out I’ve had in this thread and I appreciate you all giving me the time of day when I’m being ridiculous. I think a lot of the advice here was great - mainly I think the idea of shutting off from porn and starting to have fantasies about whatever is a worthwhile pursuit and I’m going to make sure I can do that - regardless I think it’ll be beneficial whether I’m gay, straight or bisexual. I have tried to “choose” to be gay and it hasn’t been successful in any tangible way in the past weeks but who knows maybe it will be in the future. I totally want to avoid coming out later in life, that is why I have this fear mainly - I would hate to be in that situation more than anything. But I can’t stop living just because that’s a possibility.

I think I’ve been attaching things to the physical symptoms of my anxiety that maybe are not real, or maybe they are who knows - I have a history of mental illness. I think it would be a mistake to go hook up with a guy - it won’t fix the thoughts, and it’s always a very unpleasant experience regardless when I’m in a state where I’m doing that for some sort of clarity about my sexuality.

The desires to drink have risen a lot over the past few weeks to calm myself. But I haven’t done it and today the desire is subsiding. I am taking the approach of “I have no idea what my sexuality is, if I don’t want to do something I’m not gonna do it and if I do want to do something I will” and just leave it with that uncertainty for now instead of trying to force myself into committing to something.

 

I do want to respond to this though. I am a strange person, in general. Regardless of whether I am gay or straight or bi or whatever. But nearly every "straight" guy I know who is honest will admit at one point they have wondered if they are gay or questioned their sexuality in some way. So it does confuse me that you seem to be coming from this presumptive place that they don't. I don't mind being queer to some degree, I've experimented - I have gotten off to transexual porn. The majority of my idols are queer. The "markers" in regard to pointing towards being attracted to men as far as the flashes of naked men in my mind at 13 or the disembodied penis thing or whatever - I would have thought at some point those would be pleasant at least if that was representative of my base wants and attractions? Like wouldn't it be sort of a compartmentalization issue where I'm like "yeah I like that but that's not gay" more than like "I have this image or this feeling in my chest and it manifests as this and it is not pleasant and doesn't go away with any sort of sexual release or anything - does that mean I'm gay?" Like, when I'm calm I've had friends kiss me for party tricks and I never felt like some crazy fear around it, it's fine.

I've worked through this before, it always turns out the same. I have no problem with women sexually, in fact sex with women is one of the only times I felt better about this thing during this whole ordeal (although the prozac did affect my ability to orgasm, as all ssri's in the past have made me do) - in those moments I see myself I just have a few weeks where my anxiety goes through the roof and it latches onto something - it can be a multitude of things ranging from: career, work, ex girlfriend, not being attractive, getting fat, death, being trapped - it just attaches itself to something I fear could be true that would affect me greatly. I won't do drugs or drink, I haven't in many years this is not the worst. But I do have to reiterate - this idea that Straight guys never question their sexuality is frankly off base - of course I also believe everyone is somewhere on the spectrum and sexuality is less weird and black and white than: you only like this or that. But when I freak out? And think what if it is black and white?And I think as a result I have to give up women? That is the main irrational part of it. Like the only reason I care is because I'd have to give up girls. Which I think in turn would mean that probably won't happen. Because nobody is forcing me to do anything.

Anyway I just wanted to put that out there, just that not all "straight" guys are incredibly secure in their sexuality, or haven't had same sex thoughts now and again - I'm sure many people say similar things to what I have here and deep down they are gay - I'm not even saying that's off base with me, that could be the case. I'm certainly not 100% straight. But in calmer more rational moments I know what I want. But maybe some day it will switch and I have to be okay with that. I don't know why it was freaking me out so much in those few moments. I've now talked to two therapists a psychiatrist and my sponsor and they all seem to be of the opinion that the issue is not actually about whether I'm gay. And once I said it out loud and a few of my friends were like "and? who would care?" the fear dissipated a lot. And it sounded more ridiculous. The "urges" and stuff have gone away currently as I realized my mind creates a scenario that would be inappropriate, the thing I would be afraid to do, and then comes up with what that would be afterwards. The anxiety comes first not after is what I mean.

Okay that's that for now - If some day it turns out this is all just a massive, complex, system of denial and I turn out to be actually super gay I will come back! Thank you all for your help again. I will keep my mind open and try to not fear whatever the future brings.