So, it's been more of a recent thing for me to discover that I feel like a guy and that I would really like to present as masculine and be identified as such. And I'm lucky to say that if I were to come out, I would have supportive friends and would live in a supportive environment (college campus). I guess I'm just confused because a lot of people who are trans have known since they were little and are so sure of it and are positive about their gender. And I guess I'm not? Like I feel like I am a guy. And it has felt so good to be able to post on here and put my pronouns and name in my information. But I think part of me is afraid that maybe this is something just passing. So I don't want to come out just to have to retract it and tell everyone never mind. But I really do want to live as a guy and be addressed by my chosen name and pronouns. I realize this was kind of a rant sorry.
For me, i've discovered these past few years that because of how i grew up (with an emtionally abusive, potentially mentally ill mother) that i am very, very good at reasoning things away so that i can just keep my head down and do as told. I was did this when my attraction to girls was becoming obvious in middle school and throughout my whole childhood with the signs that i was a boy. Even now i question it but i always go back to the undeniable facts to reassure myself - (1) i experience gender euphoria when called a guy online, and (2) changes such as binding and packing and buying men's clothes also not only provides the ocassional gender euphoria moment but also makes me feel inexplicably right and confident and sometimes i can even look at myself in the mirror. I have never been able to do that without feeling innately uncomfortable. Futhermore i always felt like i didn't belong and i always hated being looped in with other girls in conversation ('you are just like all the other girls' type conversation, or anything that labelled me as a typical girl). I had my moments but in general i hated the color pink and rejected most things girly. I liked space and dinosaurs and animals and history and as a child surrounded by my best friend's little dolls and houses and ponies at her house, i clearly remember thinking that she was such a girl. Like i was separate and not a girl. Anyways not sure if that helps, but its my story. I didn't find out until within the past year so i found out late in life too. Not knowing as a kid made me feel like i can't possibly be trans this has to be all a phase. Until i looked at the evidence and realized a part of me knew, i was just, at first, unaware it had a name and later on i was just in firm denial of that it same as my sexuality. Now, i know and am comfortable with my identity as a straight trans guy.
I deliberated over this for many months before finally loosing the will to remain in the closet and deciding to come out to the first few people. Doubt and denial is something the majority of trans individuals face, especially early on in their transition and throughout their journey of acceptance. Heteronormative society has taught us that the gender we are assigned at birth is and must always hold true, and only some extreme circumstance could suggest otherwise. The problem is that we often fail to acknowledge this "extreme circumstance" or discount it as not being "extreme" enough. My advice to you, therefore, is to think it over a little more. There is a chance that this is a "passing" feeling, but often I find this is not the case. You might also experience fluctuations in doubt, which is normal as well. Hindsight is 20/20 - review your childhood, there are often clues buried deep within, although some of these may be hard to excavate if you have repressed them. Explore your gender expression/identity in areas you feel safe. That could be asking a close friend or family member or counselor/therapist to talk to you about it, having them call you by different pronouns/name, calling yourself different pronouns/name, dressing in a different style, etc.
