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Trying to figure out if trans feelings are genuine.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Redbud123, May 24, 2021.

  1. Redbud123

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    Hello everyone. I was just thinking to myself, and I decided I'd put my thoughts out here for others to reply to. Physically speaking, I have a very masculine body, so any kind of cross gender kind of expression comes across as fairly forced. (looks wise, but not as much behavior wise) And its not uncommon for me to dream of myself as another gender or crossdress in my dreams. In fact, even when I am a man in my dreams, which is most of the time, my mental image of myself is often not very true to my actual body.

    I don't usually actually feel or act feminine in real life, but then again, I've never had a safe way to express it either. It's kinda been a suppressed thing since I was little. I don't think I would shun such things if it were to come in a natural way, without fear of judgement. I just know, that I take very little pride in my appearance and feel as if there is an outlet of expression missing to me.

    I don't know how much of it is simply a feeling of unfulfillment and longing for something I don't have, and how much of it actually represents a genuine way of being? I don't think I would be unhappy as a woman, but I honestly don't think I would be happier either. It'd just be replacing my current problems with different problems.

    So I wonder, how much of this is just dreaming and longing for what I don't have, or how much of this is genuinely a need to express the feelings and desires of some inner, feminine version of myself?
     
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  2. QuietPeace

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    From just what you have said right here it does not seem that transition would be a very good fit for you at least not until it becomes more pressing for you, which could happen. For me living as a woman is life saving, I could not continue to live pretending that I was male.

    Have you tried experimenting in any way? Even by just experimenting with names and pronouns either in games, in the thread here for that purpose or with a few close friends can let you know if it feels more right or does not make you more comfortable at all. Experimenting can help you determine just how necessary it is for you, I was able to keep up the charade until I tried presenting female in public and that made all the difference for me.

    The part of presenting in a feminine way being more difficult because of how you are built is something to consider, none of us get to choose what we look like not even cis people. Transition is not magic, hormones can only do so much. For instance they do not change the voice nor will they stop facial hair which needs to be taken care of by other means. There are surgeries that can help with part of it but they are expensive and not perfect.
     
  3. Redbud123

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    To be honest, I really don't think a transition is feasible at all, nor do I really think it would be a good idea for me. I have found expression creatively through work. Art, stories and role playing, seems to create a place where I can imagine other worlds and other people and slip into a different pair of shoes for a while. Tales of adventurous and brave women, gentle women, clever and sarcastic ones, and the friends and monsters you meet along the way. Of course men play a big part in these stories too, but I often find that I inadvertently make a lot of the female characters richer and more compelling. It's like it's easier to open them up emotionally and visually speaking.

    This kind of reflects how I feel as a man. I have this rich and active mind, but I feel trapped and expressionless in a body that more and more resembles that of the stereotypical background white collar middle aged man. Boring and mild. And I HATE that I'm losing my hair, it is something that I'm very self conscious about in public and am struggling to accept. I almost feel that by losing my hair, I'm losing some part of my individuality. I kinda wish I had tried to grow it out when I was younger because now I feel I will never get the chance. In short, I want to be seen as colorful and expressive as the mind that is inside me, but instead I end up feeling just... plain and invisible.

    I think that I have long been somewhat jealous of the breadth and freedom of expression that a lot of women (at least, in the community where I live) enjoy. Complicated romantic feelings for the sexes aside, I don't feel like the longing is as much to BE a woman, although sometimes the thought is appealing, but it is to be able to experience that different side of life that I feel is missing from mine.
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    Men do not have to live according to the stereotypes. Women also have a lot of limitations if they allow themselves to be limited by stereotypes. If you feel that you would prefer to act or present in a different more expressive manner you could just decide to do so. I understand that living in a small town can be limiting but it does not have to be, I actually transitioned my last time in a conservative town with only 110 people in it and the people who knew me accepted me. If you find trying to change your life while living in Appalachia too daunting you could always move some place more accepting. Raleigh is less than a four hour drive away and has a thriving LGBT+ community according to a friend of mine. You could also try farther afield, I changed countries to find a better place (more than once).
     
  5. SteveBi45

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    Have you thought about how you dress as a way to bring colour? I've also been losing my hair for years, but I don't stress over it. It's not who I am inside and it's nothing I can change naturally, so I accept it.

    But I do like colour! I can wear dull/black clothes too, but I usually wear clothes that stand out. It's my way of saying "this is me".
     
  6. Redbud123

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    I do like color. I feel like it reflects my mood. I usually avoid dark moody colors for that reason. I tend to either like things that are either loose and flowy or more form fitting. Things in the middle are just kind of bland.
    I do like patterns too. Stripes and textures... I used to have some really cool print shirts. I wore them until they fell apart.
    I actually have like these weird baggy capri things too. I'm actually wearing them right now. They're so nice and breathable! Feels great in summer!

    You know, maybe my clothes aren't so bad. I could spice things up a little though. I haven't bought anything for myself for a long time.
     
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  7. SteveBi45

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    First important rule is to love yourself and take care of yourself. This will help you feel better already.
     
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  8. clockworkfox

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    It sounds to me that you're struggling less with your gender, and more with the need to be more expressive in your day to day life.

    It's awful, but as women have had more social opportunities over the past 30 or 40 years - a wider circle of jobs, activities, fashion and style options - men have boxed themselves in to a narrower, more constricting view of masculinity. It shows in the fashion, especially. Cargo shorts, straight cut denim, grey t-shirt, navy flannel, wash, rinse, repeat. Men have adopted a cookie-cutter capsule wardrobe, afraid of being too bold, too flashy, standing out a little too much.

    Challenge that mindset. It's terrible to suppress your freedom of expression!!

    As far as "cross gender" expression - why not? Clothes and accessories are just that, adornment for the body. They have no intrinsic gender, just different cuts and fits. It doesn't have to be "cross dressing", it can simply be "dressing", if you let it be. If you're drawn to an accessory, or a piece of clothing, consider different ways you can style it so that it works for you and brings you joy.
     
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  9. Mihael

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    The gender spectrum is broad, you don't have to be either a masculine man or a feminine woman
     
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