I've been doubting my sexuality my whole life to date. I am now in my late 20s. I had assumed I was straight, would develop what I felt were crushes on women, but would always have a nagging doubt and feeling that I am gay. The problem was that I was ashamed to have same sex attractions and would always repress it, so I never really explored myself or my feelings. In the past year I have let go of my shame and convinced myself to just let things be. It always has been an inkling, but through this I realise I can only experience arousal from other men. Erections, butterfly feelings in the stomach and an increased heart rate are instantaneous with a cute guy, but it's not with women. This is the case for intimate experiences, from fantasies or seeing an actor I fancy in a film compared to an actress I see as attractive. This has made me start to think that I am actually gay. I am not fully settled though. I keep thinking of the women I had crushed on. Yes, I can see that I wasn't experiencing many signs of attraction physically, but I did like the thought of being with them in my own head at the time. I am not sure if this was just me appreciating someone who I saw as attractive without actually being attracted to them. I know from past experience that experiencing arousal was so much harder with women than men. Though, because I have been repressing my feelings for so long and trying to be straight, it feels like I am uncertain of trusting my instinct that I'm gay. I wish there was a switch I could flick which would make everything clear. I think I have a hard time distinguishing between attraction and appreciation because of me trying to ignore my desires and because of societal judgement. At school kids would make comments about finding the same sex as attractive to be disgusting. Since I didn't and don't find the thought of intimacy with a woman to be disgusting in any way, I had assumed I must be straight. Now, as I have matured, I am thinking differently. I mean, I don't mind looking at attractive women. I've been with and seen naked women in person or in films or whatever and I like looking at attractive women. However, I don't get experience the same signs of attraction as I do when it's a guy that I find attractive. This causes confusion, because I keep thinking would I think these things if I am not? Can I be gay and like looking at attractive women, even if it doesn't give me a raised heartbeat? Of course I could be bi, at least to some degree, but I feel the feelings of actual attraction are far stronger with the same sex. I wish it didn't seem so complicated.
Welcome to EC. Only you can be the one to decide what your orientation really is, other people can help by describing our experiences and point out things. To me it seems that you while you might be bisexual the way you describe feeling sexually aroused only by men sounds more like being gay. Society programs everyone to see women as aesthetically pleasing, in fact it often programs us that women have no other value. It is no surprise that someone can see women as attractive but that is different from finding women arousing. I would venture to guess that most if not all straight men are not just "not disgusted" by thinking about intimacy with women but very much enjoy thinking about it. Probably bisexual men also.
Congrats on trying to come clear with that , lucky you’re in your twenties , it will avoid you long years in the wrong paths ! best of luck
Thank-you QuietPeace and Spaceseed. QP: I can understand how you feel regarding women feeling like their looks is all their worth. One of the worst aspects about questioning for me has been the feeling that I am judging people on their looks.
I could have written much of your posts - i struggled with these doubts. My answers below are just my experience, only you can decide, but i thought they might help. Yes I would convince myself it was just a fantasy or when masturbating, 'switch' to a woman in my mind last minute (last seconds really) and convince myself I was aroused by women. Yes. Even though I looked at women on the street mostly and didnt' really look at guys on the street at all. But when I would fantasize, it would be about guys and the difference in the intensity of fantasy and arousal was incredible. Think of all the gay men who are women's clothing designers. I started to realize I was attracted to women that way. Women generally spend a lot more time trying to be alluring and attractive (think how big the industries are that cater to women wanting to look good vs men) . I realized for example, I loved looking at women's butts when they wore tight clothing but I didn't get aroused. Then one night I was at the ballet and the men were dressed that way too.. then I felt the difference Also few people are '100%' gay. some gay guys on this forum say they are sometimes rarely attracted or aroused by a woman and many had girlfriends and sex for years (I did) but because the intensity of attraction is so much stronger for men they identify gay. I am probably "80%" gay or me, the 'bi' lable just doesn't' feel right. Also a lot of men when the accept their sexuality - stop looking at women as much and finally 'allow't themselves to look at men. For some men the 'attraction' of looking goes away completely. It's gone way down for me since I accepted myself. Yes! It can be very complicated after years of denial or repressing. Keep reading, asking yourself and people here questions. The answers will come!
“Yes I would convince myself it was just a fantasy or when masturbating, 'switch' to a woman in my mind last minute (last seconds really) and convince myself I was aroused by women. ” Wow this sounds so familiar ...
