Hi! I didn't really know where to post this.. Just needed some light, needed outsiders opinions. This is getting to my head at a crazy point. First of all, know that i am a 24 years old female who considers herself a lesbian. As far as i can remember, as a teenager, i always had a thing for older women. But over the last year, there has been this one woman. She's the one who hired me in her grocery store, my boss. She is 51. I am 24. I know that she is straight, she has a family a husband and so on. However, i can't define how i feel when it comes to her. I need help with that, i need to know how i feel. I wanna know what my feelings are. I started working there on october 15th of 2018. When i first saw her, she was sweet, nice. Everything was ok, traditional bosses - employees kind of thing. As time passed by, i became kind of bewitched by her. I remember not being able to look at her straight in the eyes, because i was afraid i would blush. I would always run after her, in some ways or others, i would try to get her attention so so SO much. I was trying to be worthy for her or something. I wanted to get close to her, hug her, and even lock her up in her office so we could have sex.. I fantasize A LOT about her. The though of seeing her slightly undressed pleases me, and i also feel a lot of shame. I always wanna be with her. She's off to her holidays ? I'm extremely sad. I remember she was supposed to have a one year trip and we'd see her once a month, during the whole year. Of course it has been cancelled due to Covid, but back then, when i was told that she was gonna leave, i remember having tears. I remember crying for her. I remember being hurt. She even came to see me before leaving the first month, and she saw i was teary so she hugged me and told me she was going to come back. I remember hugging her extremely tightly, hoping my actions would speak as loud as they can. This is one of my best moments with her. This is an extremely hard-working woman. She is a pain in the ass sometimes, she pratically yells at us when she's stressed out. She got me crying more than once. She got me losing my self control more than once, emotionally speaking. I even got a month off work from my doctor because i was driving myself sick for her. She got me cutting because the thought that i could love such a .. special pain in the ass beautifully working woman was too much. If you'd ask me if i'd be willing to spend time with her, the answer is a yes. If you ask me if she messes me up, then yes. Does she turns me on ? Yes. Would i play with her hair ? Yes. She's a stubborn piece of woman, not easy to deal with. Sometimes i have to hold myself back because i would really make a move. She drove me home 2-3 times, especially this one time where we were doing off work christmas decorations for her store, and a few staff members and i drank wine a bit. Alcohol got to me and it was planned that she'd drive me back home afterwards. I swear, this moment when she parked her car in my driveway, she looked at me straight in the eyes and told me something like "sleep tight, see ya tomorrow!" I really, badly, madly, wanted to hold her hand. The very whole of this person is magic. I'm thankful for her, extremely. She's the first person willing to give me a chance at a workplace in years due to learning disabilities. This means more to me than i could ever allow myself to show. I consider her as someone who saved me when i thought i would never find my workplace. She showed up, and gave me a chance, she held my hand when i had lost any hope, really. I like to describe her as an ice cream to a broken heart, the flame to my water, the anchor of a floating boat. She's beautiful. She's extremely ambitious too, and i can somehow see myself in her. She's a pain in the ass, but she can also be such a beautiful masterpiece. I can see that she owes a very specific place in my heart, but in which ways? Is it admiration ? Is is love ? Is it sexual attraction ? Is is the "whole package" ? It's so messy inside.. I love hearing her laugh, and when she gets stressed out at work and acts mean, i hate her, but it never lasts long, because she's cute in her whole self. Sometimes, i would hug her and tell her that it's ok to have it hard sometimes, it's okay to not be alright all the time, but i just want her to know that i try to have her back, always, even though this isn't for me to do. I wanna comfort her the way she does the same to me, and yet she doesn't even know.. I get clumsy whenever she's around pretty freaking often. I say crap or i can't even concentrate to what she's saying because.. that's her, she's around me. I can feel myself blushing whenever i look at her, and i try to avoid her touch at all costs.. I observe her a lot though, i can tell if she gets a new haircut, and details. I'd get lost with her, i really would. Whenever her husband is around, i feel immensely uncomfortable, i never really understood why, but i do know that i'm scared he sees... I also get a little sad when he's around, deceived. Since all i can do i stalk her lol, i know all of her family members by now, and i try to serve them flawlessly when they show up, i always tell myself that everything around this woman deserves perfection. Is this really what they say love is? Of course, i never told her my feelings extremely strong, she's so unpredictable that i really don't know how she'd react. I had to delete her off Facebook because i would just keep tagging and reacting to every single one of her posts.. I am too much, but it's like anything that used to make sense really doesn't anymore. help me please..
Wow! You definitely have a least a little crush, I don't know if you love her, that's something only you can know. Unfortantely, she's married and the best thing you should do is try to get over it. It's very hard but even if she wasn't straight or married, she would still be your boss and sorry to say but you really shouldn't tell her. This seems hard. Sorry
Thanks so much.. But, isn't it wrong? She is years older than me.. I can't help but feel some kind of guilt/shame even though this is kind of out of my control..
Hi, This sounds like a difficult situation, that’s causing you a lot of emotional turmoil and seems to overwhelm you at times. It’s hard for us to know exactly what your feelings are...possibly admiration and appreciation, that’s developed into an attraction that’s become unhealthy. I agree with @Sparky2002, that you should try as much as you possibly can to move past these feelings, partly because she’s straight and married, as well as being your boss and considerably older than you. But also because the extent of your feelings for her seem to be unhealthy and this appears to be having a negative impact on you. I don’t think there’s any shame in developing a crush on somebody significantly older than you, as you say, it’s not something that can necessarily be controlled, but now you’re aware of what’s going on, I think you should make an effort to manage your feelings and try to move past this. How often do you have to see her at work? Can you limit the number of interactions that you have with her?
I think this is one of those blurred lines scenarios that so often occur when we have a crush on someone. We begin to lose focus as our heart starts to rule our head. Even though we maintain a level of control and don't act on our impulses the risk of doing so and embarrassing ourselves increases as the crush deepens. The overly tight hug after you lost composure, the moment in the car when you wanted to reach across and hold her hand were times when the boundaries could have been crossed. In the time since you started working for her have you even tried to date another woman? Have you tried to divert your attention in a better direction and offer all of the affection you feel for your boss to someone who is available? If you haven't, I would urge you to do so. Crushes continue because we make that one person the object of all of our affection. You recognise that your boss is a very driven person who expects and demands a lot of her employees and can sometimes be a "pain in the ass", so hold onto that thought because it tells you where her real motivations lie. Even though she has given you a chance and looked past those awkward moments when you became upset she will have very clearly defined employer/employee boundaries and will not allow them to be crossed. It's important that you take control so she doesn't have to. Don't force her hand. I agree that you should start by trying to limit your interactions with her and only exchange basic greetings at the start/end of day, if possible. Stay away from her on social media and recognise that she is not your friend. Whatever kindness she shows towards you is simply 'people management' - from her perspective. I know it's hard to move beyond a crush, but we really do need to see crushes from what they really are. In almost all cases they are one-sided and will never come to anything. The level of emotional investment is seldom worth it.
Well i can, because there's like two other people i can talk to. But it's gonna be extremely though! Wow! What an answer! Thank you so much, really. I'm guessing time will help ?
I agree with others that you likely should try and move on, it doesn't seem like it would ever be reciprocated and it quite seem like you are obsessing over her, the fact that you sometimes cut yourself in relation to her or admit to stalking her is quite worrying, the whole thing doesn't seem healthy and since you seem to really care about your work and keeping it, it is best you try and force a distance between the two of you and explore going back to a professional only relationship with her.
Time and effort really. Nobody will pretend that it's easy to move beyond a crush, especially when we are working with that person most days, but remaining focused on the reality of the situation instead of getting carried away and emotionally invested is important and necessary. Whatever kindness she shows you is about getting the best out of you as an employee. It's one of the key skills in managing people and it shouldn't be taken as anything else.
Guys keeping a distance and staying a little far is so though She's back from her days off, it is still hard.. Especially since the other day she assigned me to a competely new task at work. So now i'm still gonna have to interact with her.. This whole thing is very challenging.
You cannot completely avoid interaction, but you can minimise it and keep things strictly business. Nobody said it would be easy. Remember, her interest lies in getting the best out of you and colleagues, as employees. Whatever kindness she may show towards you is a professional kindness and you have already seen how easily she can switch from that to the more assertive and demanding boss. You need to keep repeating this narrative to yourself.
