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Trying to accept

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Starshooter, Mar 18, 2013.

  1. Starshooter

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    Ok why can i not accept i am gay/bi? All i can think about it sex. Women really turn me on alot, and i love it. Im pretty sure men do to, but i cannot enjoy it yet.

    Now i cannot have my "alone time" because i cannot control my thoughts or fantasies. I think of women and constantly worry "maybe i dont like this" and think "what if im more aroused by men". But then a gay thought comes in, i get a massive rush of anxiety and feel sick and come. It is powerful but i feel terrible during and after, with so many conflicting thoughts.

    Then i think, "to orgasm that powerfully you need to think of men." I think "great im gay so ill do that." I think about it and it is not enjoyable and feels wierd, and i cannot get what i want.

    In real life i have no desire to have sex with a man, but if the chance with a girl comes on i try to jump on it instantly. But i worry that im gay and wont be able to perform like i want to.

    I call myself bi to releive the anxiety around the gay feelings and make them ok. I am really interested in promoting gay rights. i look up to my happy gay friends, and am proud for them that they can accept their attractions. I love this site too, so where is this anxiety coming from?

    Maybe i fear gay thoughts will turn out to be more enjoyable than straight. Maybe that means im in serious denial. Im not sure. Do add to this ice had lifelong ocd and severe anxiety issues. I need to focus on life and not this. I cant seem to accept both attractions at once.

    Any support would be great :slight_smile:

    Thanks
     
    #1 Starshooter, Mar 18, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2013
  2. Niko

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    So...do you have any sexual attraction towards men? Because from what I'm gathering, it sounds like you're pretty straight.

    It's okay to think a man is attractive, but you that doesn't necessarily mean you want to get with him. I know when I see an attractive woman...but I'd never do anything with a female. Does that make sense?
     
  3. Starshooter

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    that is the problem.. i dont know. If a guy was to ask to have sex, i would say no. But i feel uncomfortable while close to guys, like i might be aroused or images of myself kissing them pop up in my head. While masterbating and thinking of a woman, an image of a man will pop up and i get a tense feeling and panick, then climax with no control.

    I assumed these are normal attractions to males. Id be fine with being gay and telling people i was but any hint that i actually like males causes anxiety, and my mind wont let me accept the attractions, if they are real.

    while around girls im anxious because i keep asking myself "do you actually want this? you wont like this because your gay" Its constant questioning. I do not want to be in the closet, but i dont want to come out and realize im not gay. So many questions.. Very stressful.

    How do you know whats real attraction and desire?
     
  4. tbmun

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    I know exactly how you feel, dude. It's gotten to the point with me now where I'm so scared of not feeling aroused by women that I'm too worried to just relax and watch porn (even though before this popped into my head it was a non-issue).
     
  5. Monocle

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    I think real attraction and desire is when it comes easily. It seems to me like you're attracted to women, you know you're attracted to women, and these sudden images you get of guys are borne of worry more than anything else. Like an obsessive-compulsive thing, where the more you think about it, the worse it gets.

    Until such a time as you actually think a guy is hot, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Unless I'm missing something? Have you ever had a crush on a guy, or is it just the random persistent images that're bothering you? When you say you "might be" aroused... what does that mean, exactly? Do you experience any sexual arousal or are you just worried you might?
     
  6. Starshooter

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  7. AKTodd

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    So, speaking as a gay guy who's been doing this a while...

    Ok, if you were gay, that feeling you get with women, that feeling of desire? You'd be feeling that with a guy (although it might be focused on different body parts of course). If you were feeling that with a guy (even to a lesser degree) and stressing over how you could be feeling that or not wanting to feel it or trying to deny that you were feeling it? That would be denial. But you don't seem to be doing that.

    I can see which women are attractive or not, at least insofar as the society I live in judges attractiveness. This doesn't really mean anything since we are surrounded by a society that tells us many times per day what is and is not considered 'attractive'. It's not like you're operating in a vacuum or were raised by wolves or something and have no exposure to modern society and what it considers attractive.

    Coming at this from another angle, I can see that a flower or a sunset are beautiful. That doesn't mean I have any sort of sexual desire for them.

    Or you're not gay. If thinking about guys or doing something with a guy makes you feel 'dreadful' then I'd say you're not gay, just very over anxious. Being 'accepting' of being gay on an intellectual level while reacting emotionally to it as if you're about to have root canal without anesthesia doesn't strike me as being the mark of a gay guy, even one in denial. Because so far you certainly don't seem to be having an issue with wanting to do something with a guy but feeling that it's wrong because Mom/Dad/the church/society have told you it's wrong since day 1.

    I suppose it's possible you might be bi-sexual, leaning more toward women. But again, you don't seem to be having desire for guys as much as just obsessing over the possibility of having desire for guys.

    Here's a thought for you - why not just follow your feelings? If you get turned on by women and want to have sex with them, then go for it. If you someday find yourself having the hots for a guy and want to have sex with him and the situation is such that that can happen (meaning he's gay or bi or the like), then go for it and see if you enjoy it. But stop trying to force yourself into doing it (It = feeling attracted toward guys or trying to imagine sex with a guy or whatever). Notice that I said want to have sex with him, not 'think you should'. That's the key thing here I think.

    As far as what goes through your head while masturbating - Dude, your brain is like Vegas - what happens there stays there - unless you decide you want it otherwise. Stop worrying about it. There's nothing wrong with it, although I am concerned that it apparently causes you distress when it happens.

    With that last in mind, let me ask you a question - when you get panicky around a guy or for thinking about doing something with a guy - what is it about that, or about being gay (if you were, and let me reemphasize that at this point I don't think you are), that scares you? Can you try to articulate what is driving the feelings here?

    Todd
     
  8. Musician

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    Sounds like HOCD, dude. Here's the rub. I was suffering with HOCD for a year. In therapy, I got in touch with the feelings, and I think I'm strongly bi, with a leaning to men. Never thought I would say that. But it feels natural, at peace. Why bi and not gay? Because I was seriously aroused by women my whole life. But I feel now that it took extra effort, extra arousal to be with women. But I thought it was natural for me to feel this tension, because that was what love was about. But right now, I feel more sexual arousal to men. Maybe it will shift. I don't know. Maybe not.

    So I am thinking my natural inclinations are for men, not women, but enough that I could pass off for being straight my whole life. Is it possible I'm gay? Yes, definitely. I don't know where I am yet. I only came to this conclusion yesterday. It's very hard to deal with. The hardest part is my girlfriend. I love her more than anything. In reality, I don't want to lose her, but I know I might have to.

    Maybe it would be good to find some way to get in touch with that gay side, and see where you end up? Try thinking about a guy that turns you the hell on. And let it feel good. Allow yourself the freedom. I know it helped me out.

    It did make it harder because now as someone who is likely gay-ish, if not more gay than anything else, I have to deal with coming out and all that. But we'll see where that goes.

    Good luck, mate.
     
  9. rabarber

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    I can totally relate to pretty much everything you say. When I watch a male it goes faster and is more powerful(not quiet sure on this one though, its hard to say) but it is mixed with feeling terrible and such. I also have never felt any desire for anyone in real life, only watching porn. Had crushes on girls. Never on guys. Had successfull sexual relationships with girls. With all this in my head I find it quiet hard to get aroused by girls any longer. It just fills me with this feeling of hopelessness, like "it wont work anyway...." I can still think of a woman and get off, it kind of takes longer and requires more fantasising though and im not sure it is as strong.
    Don't know what to make of it really. Im trying to accept I am gay, but then, I don't have crushes on guys and I dont want to have sex with one.. I don't know..