troubled identity

Hello World,

first of all, I wanna mention that I'm a cis-man who is heterosexual. I did, however, find my way to this forum after many, many years of struggle with my identity, which led me into deep and long lasting depressions, undergoing loads of therapies already. Not really being understood by therapists nor friends so far, there is a thought on my mind that keeps returning for years: Although I'm not gay/queer at all, I think the "structure" of my problem is something that might be most of all "familiar" to identity problems that people of the LGBTQ community are facing or have been facing in life, i.e. if someone can relate, it might be here...

Although, in my case, it's nothing about sexuality or sexual orientation at all, I feel at this very moment like captivated in the "wrong" body and "wrong" life, and it feels immensely lonely not being understood by anyone, they'd rather try to "correct" you over and over... And I hope that - by this comparison - by no means I'm offending anyone who was "literally" born in the wrong body. I certainly won't ever be able to understand to the fullest what that would feel like (because I just didn't experience it, I was born male and my identity is male), but there are possible (to some mild extend) structural parallels between the feelings.

So, before I start writing down my history and what's the issue with it (actually I'm having at least two issues), I'd like to reassure if you on this forum approve my presence here. I'd really be happy to share my thoughts and fears with you, and maybe after years I might find some helping answer which I could not find in the "straight" community, as just noone could ever relate or take my problem seriously.

I sincerely hope for some friendly exchange here,
NowhereMan

 

Hello and thank you for that friendly welcome

I will write about my big problem within the next days. Right now, although feeling completely devastated both physically and mentally (can hardly get out of bed), anxious and desperate, I have to catch up with 2 deadlines at work/college, approaching tomorrow and next week without mercy. Trying to "function" and push through (again) although everything just seems sooo wrong by every day/week/year that passes.

I hope you'll understand, and looking forward to maybe find some mental exchange with my actual problem that has been lying heavy on my soul for years and years. Today, I'm too unstable to go into details without risking a complete nervous breakdown.

 

PS: ... and please be gentle with me, I'm very fragile. Not that I'd think it is important to mention. Just my experience shows that when I tried and told people about my problem, at least 99% of them could not relate AT ALL to what I'm feeling (and in their heads understood or wanted to understand/hear something different that I had never said) and rather tried to correct me by some very harsh remarks, making the pain even harder. Just saying this in advance, that my anxiety to talk about my feelings has grown over the years by experience like that.

 

Hello quebec, and thanks again

I'll be posting my "story" on late Monday a guess. This isn't meant to be a as big drum roll like before a cinema blockbuster , it's rather a quick note, in case you guys started wondering why this newbie wouldn't finally start writing what's the actual matter...

Right now, I'm just stressed out with the preparation for a big presentation at university, and I'm trying to stay focussed and cool for that. And as the topic that I wanna write about here is very emotional to me, I just wanna keep it for after my presentation, that's all

Hope you all have a wonderful week till then and see you on Monday then

 

Hello again,

so I finally found some time to sit down and write what's so heavy on my heart. I sometimes have a tendency to write rather lengthy, but I will at least try to cut it as short as I can, even though the problems are complexely interrelated. They might seem kinda trivial/everyday-problems at first sight, and some might say "How dare he compare his problems to what some gay people have gone through?!", but for me, these topics have driven me into severe depressions over years and years, and years. And just changed my entire life. Maybe someone does recognize parallels in the way it felt, even though its a different topic.

I'd be happy if someone here has an idea about how to handle the (current) situation emotionally or how to practically get out of the vicious circle I've maneuvered into over the last years.

While writing this, I'm sitting here extremely lonely, have developed social anxiety and stay home (even before the Covid-era) like 300+ days a year, with only 1 or 2 distant living friends, no social networks (any more) of any kind, neither real-life or online. I remember a time when quite the opposite was the case, and I was one of the best-connected people I knew. My life has really been literally flipped upside down. But one by one:

I've recently turned 40 already, and my suffering goes back to when I was 18 (thus the biggest part of my life). Till then I had had a kind of happy childhood/youth: I was active in sports and (very) successful at school, with ease and with fun, and at the age of 10 I had decided to become a scientist, maybe a professor, because I was always fascinated by math and physics. So everything took its natural course... until I found my real destiny: MUSIC <3 My entire family had the least musical background one can imagine: actively making music was until then non-existent over generations, more than that: It was considered (beside all my "actual" supposed talents) the last thing I should ever, ever consider wasting my time with.

Just by coincidence I had joined a school choir, and instantaneously a whole new world opened up to me and was literally LOVE at first sight! And within weeks I discovered that, yes, I might have been talented in math and physics... BUT (without any musical education until then) my musical instincts were at least twice as good. And it was ten times more fun. More than fun, it was passion all the way. Every day, I made new discoveries, taught myself several instruments (which I'm technically NOT good at), but discovered that I could sing very nicely and especially original songs literally came to me in my dreams. It was pure magic <3 The best I had ever experienced. Within weeks I had written a musical and started (back in 1999/2000) installing myself a recording-environment in my room and learning just everything a sound-engineer would need to know. It felt like home, like nothing had before <3. I was very productive and happy every hour I spent on it, and even won several songwriting competitions over the years to follow (5 out of only 5 I would ever compete in actually...).

My (very dominant and conservative) parents, however, were not amused at all, and really tried everything to keep me from wasting time with music. To get back on the "right path". Yes, I had loved physics before, and I had been comitted to study it and become a professional. By my own will. Also because I had a very profound education and "objectively proven" talents in this field ever since kindergarten. But that was before I had discovered what REALLY felt right. All I had asked for by that time was starting like one semester later to get one chance to record my unique inspirations which made me feel alive. But that got big, big trouble and fights at home. More than I could handle. Making me feel a weak loser before I was able to move out, fell into severe depressions, not being able to fix the basic everyday life.

Over the next years, many indicents in different fields of life (which would go beyond the scope here for now) drove me into further bad depressions, completely weakening me, also physically, and in the end, turning my back to music before it ever could just really begin plus no more being able to work or study, and had to take a break of my still successfully-started physics degree. I did found a local band however, some years later, which became quite popular in our region, but 99% of my life by then I already spent locked-up in my room, severely depressive, getting physically sick of insomnia and heartbreak, till the band split up because their leader was too sick, undergoing therapy after therapy, ending up a weak "loser" with no job, no music, no degree, no more social contacts, no actively-lived "identity"...

...and no hair! .... Welcome to "Part 2"

Contemporaneously with all the above mentioned trouble, and not unconnected, it really gave me a life-changing hard time that (also with 17) I discovered that I was rapidly balding. By any means I wanted to stop this, and (back in 1998 when there wasn't even Google, let alone Youtube and stuff) I tried to find a solution, found (today's standard-treatment) finasteride, but literally six(!) dermatologists and professors I consulted back then, all told me the "never heard of it"... until 3 years later, like 80% of my hair was already gone (by the age of 20!) and e.g. when I went to a singing casting on my own, the judges told me my singing was very good, but I should have come when I was younger. This would be for young people in their 20s...

Not only all people I met, estimated me being 35+ back then, which can be depressing for a 20 y/o single who got rejected from first sight a lot. Even for myself, looking into the mirror, I felt ugly ever since I went bald. Though I was kinda cute before, and my age had always been underestimated when I was 16/17, ppl thought I was 14. So in the public perception, this adolescent aged more than 20 years within actual 2-3 years, looking like Gargamel from The Smurfs. Looking into the mirror that just wasn't me. Never was. Till today, I cannot identify with this reflection. I've always been a tender, meek soul. Straight, but with more femine traits than male, I guess. Hair (or the lack of it) can change soooo much in the perception. Even on days when I was happy-go-lucky, people kept asking me why I'm looking so grim and grumpy. It always caught me by surprise, until it became "usual", became my identity... and I became grumpy, or rather say, sad all the time. And - while some people can rock the bald look (yes, like "The Rock" actually) I have none of the features in my face that are by any means supportive. I don't look masculine, or strong, or cool or whatever with me bald head. I rather look like a chemo therapy patient or someone with some other severe illness (and was even asked repeatedly if it was a disease).

When local doctors would finally accept today's standard medication for balding, it was irreparable for me. Even for a transplant I had to little rest hair, even if I was a billionaire. Which is weird: as one can nowadays do a lot of cosmetic correction to the body, but transplanting hair to a very bald person still seems like rocket science (for decades of research now). As this completely unfitting reflection almost killed me, with no escape of feeling like "caught in the wrong body", an odyssee began how to cope with the given situation: Over years, even with professional therapeutic help, I tried "accepting" it. Shaved my head completely (coming from 18 inches of curly hair), working out, tanning, changing my clothes, my style... over years: NOTHING of that was ME. No longer. Like the old me had died, forced to keep watching how everyone perceives me like a person that I'm not. For the rest of my life.

After another 4 years of suffering, I finally looked into wearing wigs of all kind. Which changed my perception (and at a first moment also my happiness) instantaneously to the better (like 180 degrees), ppl suddenly approached my, how gentle I look (even on bad days), and yes, it suited my face better. So much better. The lost ME was suddenly like resurrected from the death, smiling back at me from the mirror. Like a good old friend For some years I would become outgoing and active again, gathered friendly people around me, went back to university, successfully, and that was the years I even found a band. But the wig-odyssee had a lot a practical but also communicative downsides (maybe some people on this forum are familiar with wigs?). When getting very close with people, one would notice at some point. And I would either explain beforehand or after being busted. And in 100% of the cases, even with best, best friends, who are really decent people, NO ONE did UNDERSTAND my point. EVERYONE told me that that I was...

... "pursuing a made-up fashion ideal of beauty of modern western society and advertising industry"
... or that I wanted to "fool" people, pretending to be something I was not
... or could not accept "ageing" like everybody else would (actually having less hair than a 80 year-old by the age of 20)
... or trying to be "something special", "something better than others" by wanting the have to best hair of all...

And so on and so on... NOTHING, really NOTHING of that has ever been true. I just wanted to be ME again. Recognize myself in the mirror. Wanted people to look me into my eyes while talking (instead of irritatedly being distracted of my bald forehead and crown through the entire talk). Not being referred to as "the bald one" on the campus as my primary distiguishing feature. Being regarded for my inner values by my peers, instead of being scared away by my appearance before I would even get a chance to introduce myself. My real emotions and facial expressions being perceived for what they are and not you mismatching proportions would distort them. But all I heard, albeit from a close friend or a lover, the best I would here is: "If I was in your situation, I would just accept it". Like I hadn't tried for years and years, and those people had just given it 5 minutes of thought.

Phew, I'm getting ahead with much more text than I actually wanted to write, and I thank everyone for their patience to read up till here. There is so much more on my mind, but I'll give it a break for now, for you to get a chance to read

But oh, I still have to get to today's situation:
After being still fighting my depression and becoming more outgoing when I was 30/31, a very toxic relationship with a narcissist killed all my newly found social environment (forever), broke with 90% of my friends and specially drove a mean wedge between me and my parents and siblings.
1 year ago I parted with my wigs, because there were a lot of downsides. Found some doctor who prescribed me medication, althought its 20 years too late, but at least some percent of my hair is returning, and with loads of cosmetic products I at least dare going out in public again, not looking "good", but also not like Gargamel anymore. One compromise I am accepting at this time.
Being 40, after 20+ years of living in more and more isolation, no music at all, several long breaks from my initially successful studies at university, now I'm literally all alone and made up my mind to save what's left of my musical inspirations for they are literally the most important I ever found in my life. I have voice notes of about 1000 original songs, reaching back into an ancient millennium.... just to find out that I'm facing issues with my vocal cords now (for over a year now!), making more than half of my songs (which were meant to be taped when at their time) impossible to sing. Maybe forever?

Maybe at the age of 40 I'm older than the majority here, I don't know. But I don't feel 40. It just happens. And I missed (or rather suffered) 20+ years in a wrong life. It feels sooo hard, all by myself, to suddenly find the energy (where would it come from) to achieve what I missed over half of my life. I even feel physically sooo much weaker than I did back then. Not only because I'm 20 years older now, but over-proportionally because my long-term depressions have really weakened my body. Even on a "good" day, I cannot work longer than 3 hours on anything until I'm completely exhausted for the rest of the day

I wish for nothing more than finding a way back to do what my life was meant to be.

 

Dear Jack, dear David,

so many musicians all around here. It just put a smile on my face, and a little glow in my heart. Doesn't happen so often these days.

I'd like to address some of your points in detail:

...and quite a lot, as it seems. So many parallels. Though I haven't read about your background so far, and we might differ a lot in the end, a get a little vibe of my 20 y/o me from some things in the end. I wish you so much that you can overcome your trouble at this still young age (from my point of view). If I could travel back in time, one thing I would tell my younger self would be to be less afraid of taking chances. I was always shy, influenced by my strong father that I might expose myself to ridicule if I followed my gut feeling... and my passion. And when I turned 23... 26... or something, I sometimes thought "Oh, now, I'm too old, now it's too late". "I cannot experiment with passionate fields in life... gotta be 'serious' at that age... "Today, in retrospect I find, I should have tried and taken any chance even if people would laugh at me. (But that is just a personal note, that popped into my mind. As I said, I know nothing about you so far... just a general thought to the younger generation )

Brother, how I hear you - and same goes for you. You should not feel alone either. As for me, I have to admit - in contrast to earlier years - I have recently, over my depressions, become a "demanding" person, who's judging himself for that, because I would love to give/help so much more... The more depressive I am, the more "useless" I feel in this world. Because one thing I always regarded as important was being there for my fellow human beings. And this hardly happens at all. BUT, at least, I know I could - even in dark times - make people happy with the few musical attempts I started so far. Singing on stage in front of a thankful audience, who'd happen to sing along with my compositions, and literally told me how I saved their day - just like other musicians sometimes saved mine, when I was part of the audience. Maybe this is my part in this powerful play to which I'd be happy to contribute a verse.

I should have been more precise about that, but wanted to spare you from even more details in that first, already very long text. This can be successively added:
Actually, one can split my depressive career into at least 2 big phases. The first running from ages 17/18 to 30. I didn't start therapy before the age of 25. And I really worked hard and disciplined through it, trying to be the most optimistic person, no matter how much disasters would keep breaking in over me (and there weren't few). So, through my first therapies (although they had a bad start), I managed, after 3 years (in combination of going with hair replacement at 27) to go out on stage again, or actually really consequently like the very first time in my life, found a band, organised festivals, went (at 28) to THE festival I would from now on call HOME, making contact with the nicest community I ever found till then, programming and administering a forum for them to reunite off-festival-season, started travelling around, making a lot of new friends. By that time, I had found my band, with which I could celebrate very nice concerts. And beside that I almost finished my physics diploma (which is today's equivalent to the M.Sc.), getting straight A's again. After then being 10+ years of depression, I had real hope I had left the worst part behind me and had a place/community to look for into the future.

But the worst part was yet to come, when I made the worst mistake of my life, sliding into the most toxic relationship on Earth. It always takes two, I know, and it sounds "too easy" to blame one person for bad fate. But I would have NEVER expected how ONE person could be so pathologically evil! Never! After she made me break with all my friends (which are hers today), ran a massive split between my family and me, torpedoed my college degree, initiated our band split up, made me loose my job and and appartment, and most of all infiltrated the community I had felt so much home, she even admitted in private (when I finally and desperately broke up, against the pressure of all the "friends" and "family" who then turned away from me in my darkest hour, i.e. months) that she had just "used" me for my influence and contacts that I had those days (I had e.g. fought for her to start a musical career, as I saw her extremely talented in that field, had become her booker/manager/producer while we were together), and just laughed at me like the Devil himself... being an "angel" in person for everyone else, including my closest friends and family who then turned their backs at me.

I had literally NOWHERE to go, having lost EVERYTHING and especially every PERSPECTIVE... after that, my view at the world changed. Before that I ALWAYS believed in the Good in human kind. But from now on I was broken, had massive trust issues with anyone and anything I had believed in before (like Love and Honesty and Justice) for at least 3 years to follow (with extremely depressive thoughts on my head which one shouldn't name explicitely in forum). Since then, no matter how hard I tried, I never really recovered again. I was lucky to find a VERY good therapist which I'm still seeing today, I cannot imagine a therapist doing a better job in any aspect... but still there seems no light at the end of the tunnel. However, I still try to see it every day (what else alternative do we have?) ... but trying alone often leads to failure ever since.

Wow, so the first people I see here, happen to be musicians at heart, that is so cool. And yes, my stong believe in music was literally the last thing that kept me alive over the darkest times. I won't go before I've become the musician I was meant to be. But its getting so much harder with every year passing. No.1 priority in music for me is songwriting and composing, but directly followed by No.2 which is singing my own tunes on tape, leaving my unique vocal "fingerprint" as my legacy (though it might sound pathetic). And the latter, as I mentioned, seems endangered for me, recently, as I struggle with my falsetto (which always was one of my best features in singing, hitting a crystal clear g#'' back then like an opera soprano, and the easiest task, no matter in what state I was in, and the falsetto being important for lots of my songs... now, nothing but 80% hot air comes in the complete upper octave... I'm afraid there might be some severe physical issue and scared of being told an unpleasant truth by a doctor...)

This, however, in my case has turned to the complete opposite. When I discovered music for me, it was filled with HOPE, feeling like HOME. Among lots of other styles, my favourite genre was the Flower Power and Folk Music of the 1960s, that spirit of Woodstock and San Francisco. That is by far my main influence. I'd loved to play and sing this music back then... Now, when I listen to the very same songs, the songs get stuck in my throat and almost make me cry (no tears of joy though), as I see my life running past me, how my passion for music has turend against me, and the very same songs that meant hope/home for me back then, are now connected with a big, big disappointed about the story of my life.

And still....

100% true! I notice this over and over again, and comes back to me, right in my face, as obvious as can be: At least when others (like former band members) ask me for musical or audio-technical support/help, I'm right from the spot in my element and it's all there again, as if I hadn't done anything else all the many years inbetween. Just last night, I dreamed a completely arranged song again, woke up, took my guitar and stored the draft as a voice memo to myself. It's there... "if I want it or not". Really: In my dreams I cannot suppress my deepest feelings, i.e. I very often have bad, bad, vivid nightmares of everything that happened... but on the other side, about once a week, I cannot suppred "dreaming a new song", even when at daytime, I don't allow myself to compose, being too busy with getting my physics degree (which seems harder than ever before, I really suck at physics nowadays) or just being depressive.

That's why we should never stop dreaming.

 

Yes, "get over it" is/was (when it started when I was young, and medication wasn't so well-known among doctors around here) even the "professional advice" you got those times: When you even, as a last resort, travel miles and miles through a snowstorm to attend a "hair(!) consulting session" with the leading professor(!) of the dermatology(!) department and he tells you nothing but: "yes, it's male pattern baldness, and no, there is no such thing like any medication against it. So the only advice you should really take is: get over it"... Many more doctors an a psychiatrist told me just the same. When I came back on a hairloss forum years later where I got the echo: "Your fault! Why didn't you just take the medication in the first place? Now, it's too late."

And not only the patient is supposed to laugh about it, moreover it is pretty en vogue for people in private or entertainers on big shows, to laugh at you. To make pretty humiliating jokes about people who are bald, just as well as about people you found there last chance in wearing a toupet... not because it was always their childhood dream, not their plan to take care of it 24/7 and try not to get busted, not their plan to "pretend" to have hair... but couldn't stand the humiliation and loss of identiy anymore when looking into a bald reflection day by day and put down by potential partners, being bullied in spare time activities and being even outsorted in job applications.

I know quite a lot of people (actually some of them are very decent and sincere people!) you made the worst and cruel jokes about balding people or those wearing a wig, when they didn't know I was actually wearing.

Wow, that sounds really beautiful and heart-warming. Thank you for sharing how you know how it feels to be so literally close to the edge. By the way, in the middle (half time) of my depression career which I described above, I was also (even if not in the very moment of taking a bottle of pills) taken care of by the loverliest crowd for me that time, right after a hospital where I had gone because of my depressions, had dropped me in my darkest hour.
Right the next week I found that community that made my heart shine from the very core, and I put all my hopes in having found this new, big "family"... for the next years (really like coming home, meeting once a year, but connecting heavily in the meantime... until it was all infiltrated by my toxic ex - which I personally brought there. Like I had created a monster which took the best off me that I ever had).

Of course I do.

I really don't know about trans medication in either direction. But I would have thought, and roughly might heard of some people, that a F2M medication wouldn't exclude DHT inhibitors or other hairloss treatment, i.e. I think you can raise your testosterone level, while still keeping your dehydrotestosterone (DHT, which is one of or even THE the protagonists in hairloss) in check. But I'm neither a doctor nor familiar with trans medication.

I cannot judge it from here, but please don't say to quickly that your stuff isn't good. You say it used to be your dream to perform. We should all persue our dreams. There are quotes about everyone being born an artist until they are told they are not.

Yes, that really always came easy to me. Even when I was sick, performance would be "just good enough" (though I would never be happy with that on those occasions. Sometimes people are easy to please). But I also had concerts were I was even impressed by myself how well it went. So, yes, there is definitely some talent, and singing on stage is one of the nicest experiences. In most cases it has been a warm giving from both artist and audience, both ways.

It's very kind of you to say that. And I really want to believe in it - on a daily base. Every day, getting back into music is on my schedule. But I struggle - with everyday life. Actually I feel like 200% busy with my life (even without music). Why 200% you say? Well, because of insomnia on the one hand (leading to getting sick physically a lot of times, having a weak body overall for years now) and mental crises at least twice a month, I'm unable of doing "anything" like 3 out of 7 days (on average). The other 4 days of the week (where I might also not be 100% fit), I'm running behind and behind... just to fulfill a part time college schedule, attending half the courses my classmates do, having a very small side job to make ends meet, these two things already are more than I can take most weeks. Leaving beside my household where dishes and laundry and stuff pile up... not to mention that I really miss working out like I did before.

Back in the days, I was more connected to passionately singing, composing, writing thoughful lyrics, recording ... and taking my time (and serenity?) for really breathing the music in and out, getting into the songs, not arranging them under pressure but music being the most important thing in that very moment, allowing me for pondering and feeling into a meausure which I could do better, make it special... with no pressure... all that seems like lightyears away, it's like the very difference of what my life is now... I'm just rushing in being busy, and when I suddenly find myself digging deep into something, it's anything but music. That makes me sad. I had to write a thesis last summer (long story, different story) which kept me awake some days like literally 50 hours behind my desk. In the middle of the night, after having worked 20+ hours in a row without making any progression at all (had a lot of unforeseen technical trouble), I took my guitar, jingling around randomly, and 30 minutes later, drafts of 3 new songs were there. Unique to the bone. And the magic is: If I hadn't sat down at that particular moment, never in history, nowhere in this universe these songs of mine would ever have been "born"... put my guitar aside then, and continued trying to solve equations that 100,000s of people had solve before. That contrast always makes me wonder.

When I composed a song for a choir many years ago, it was done like in 1 day... everyone had fun with it the weeks I was living there... and years(!) later, a lovely email reached by then leader of the choir who just want to thank me again, they had dug out my sheetmusic again after years, taught it to the new choir members and everyone was having a good time again. That brought so much joy to my heart.

I call it a traumatic experience, though it's about 8 years ago now. That was actually the time, after that toxic relationship, that made me consult a therapist again. We talked and talked a lot about it. Now, she says, there is nothing more she can do for me on that topic. So, now I'm looking for an actual trauma therapy to go through it again. I know, it won't be easy.

One thing, I wanna mention here, was I really miss... and what people to whom it comes natural wouldn't think it's a big deal. Ever since the breakup with me ex, I actively started avoiding social media (because she is omnipresent in every group I followed, and in every field of life that is interesting to me, being a superstar there, and everything thinks she's soooooo kind, though quite the opposite is the case. This really broke my neck!). I've never said that nowadays people "have" to be active on social media... but staying 100% away from it, for years now, make me realize how much of "actual life" takes place there, and especially for artists (or for athletes, like I was before) positive feedback can be immensely important. Me, on the other hand, am close to being "non-existent" for the real world (which exchange and sharing of thoughts and activities, pieces of art via internet has just become a natural part of). On most days I think, I could just fade away, pass away... and no one would notice. So, as trivial/superficial it may sound, one of my plans for 2022 is (as it has been for the years before) to get back into social media, have a Youtube channel as an artist, maybe spotify, instagram... this is all happening 100% without me.

But for a reason, too - apart from the above mentioned trauma with my famous and stunning toxic ex being omnipresent, there is another reason, especially as the last 10 years (second half time of my depressions so far) have torn me down physically even more than before: Video killed the radio star! I have a feeling these times are more visual than ever. Good for the cute ones. Bad for Gollum and Gargamel. Starting a channel from zero, feeling physically "ugly" in many aspects, I should have some extremely good other arguments... or actually becoming a phenomenon like "the specially ugly guy with the specially cool songs", like the "freak" that everyone could laugh at or about... if that is as good as it gets.

Okay, this posting covers a lot of different fields, so I'm happy to get back to musical talk:

1. The technique, I think, is not an issue. I think I still use a profound technique that I learned before, but something in my throat is the weakest link in the chain.

2. I (best case) hope that I'm just "out of practice", like singing involves lots of muscles, and even my overall physical conditions are about at an all time low. So will be the special muscles involved in the process of singing. Due to my depressions (and being 200% busy with other stuff than music), I almost haven't sung a single note for almost 3 years now... by the way, 3 years back having one of my best, maybe the best concert I've ever sung. For one special occasion I had practiced singing and guitar for many weeks in a row (taking a break of studying bak then) and on that night, just everything worked, I surprised myself how I would hit even the hardest notes "perfectly" and with ease. Like I had never been depressive, never done anything else... but then I fell back into a black hole, and ever since that concert I didn't sing again. Till, like 1.5 years ago, when I wanted to record something, I noticed how my falsetto voice was "gone", my vocal cords just wouldn't sound at all... all sore, just hot air... while being stressed out day in and day out, it wouldn't get any better.

3. One day however, when I really focussed on practicing anyway (though it felt super sad, that tones just wouldn't come), I woke up the other day, and almost all my voice had been restored over night! That was weird. I hadn't expected that, but 90% of the ambitus was there again. It was some kind of relief... didn't give too much thought about it, went back to work... and the very next day, everything was gone again - till today. So, within the last 1.5 years there was 1 day when I could sing almost like I had almost done, but that was an exception. And it makes me wonder...

4. I'll be looking into each and every of the advise and the links that you mentioned. Thank you

That's true... I just want to get "really into it" again. It demands some change to get there. I had the weirdest plans lately, like taking a very long vacation, travelling around, just for a change of scenery and find myself again.

Thank you all again

PS: Not being able to edit posts really seems like a thing here, right? So far, I thought I'm just not being shown the button unless I have written have 10+ posts here. But it seems the same for full members? Also I haven't figured out so far, how to cascade quote... if not being done manually:

 

Hm, I shouldn't have written such a mammoth posting in one piece, it's really not nicely readible. I should split it up into topics.

Thank you, and yes it does kick and it hits a lot these days Day by day, ongoing for years now, I realize more and more how stuck I am in so many fields at the same time. Have been pondering last night, and some specific thoughts came to my mind more than before. Maybe you have some ideas about the following:

1. Aged 40, I'm still longing for my parents' approval (which I never had)
I knew this before, but this time this realization hit me even harder. As a kid and adolescent I was a very creative and highly talented spirit. Other parents would have been happy and proud to have a son like that. In some way they were, but they did never ever take me seriously in anything. Speaking of my parents, I mostly mean my (very dominant and conservative) father, while my mother was always kinda belittles by him and in some respects actually inferior and grew into that role. Like me and my siblings did to. I have a lot of anger looking back, but over the years, I've become "too weak to be actually angry anymore". As my only chance to survive, I had to try and grow dull and indifferent - seldomly my soul speaks up again, and then there is a big fight, which I always lose, leaving weaker than before. It has worn me down so much over so many years.

Whilst, actually, my father can be a pretty nice person, and I do love him for a lot of reasons. But at least twice the amount of reasons gives me very bad feelings towards him. He somehow is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Trump (fits even better here than Mr. Hyde). He is like the "Godfather" of our whole (big) family clan, and when he is pissed, the entire family suffers. And with me, there were so many occasions, when we would disagree. It was and sometimes still is a real psycho terror then, him with a ridiculous perspective but always in by far the most powerful emotional position, mastering love withdrawal at its best. Ever since I can remember, as a 4 year-old, when I spoke up to him, till the very day... At home, I never ever learned to speak up for myself, and when I fell into deep depression and needed support, it got worse by taken me even less seriously, saying it's all my fault, because I didn't obey and so...

Moreover, regarding my talents and passions I wanted to pursue, I just cannot "make" them have the same "taste". I guess that is normal in many families, but somehow it hit me very hard. I was never good enough, and often he seemed to spot me on the "wrong track". While, like just a year or two later, he cheered at strangers (on TV shows) who had just done the very same things for which he had belittled his own son, not only music, also sports, science and career stuff. I he didn't get tired of confronting me with what an awesome person he had discovered.. here.. and there.. and take a look.. isn't that fabulous. It still makes me spitting my guts when I think of it.

About not being able of sharing my visions, my taste and so on... well, I somehow have to accept and understand it at some point. But what I just wished for was at least some support in my development. I knew and know parents who don't "understand" what their kids are doing, but believe in them- while I got nothing but headwind and mistrust, making everything harder all the time.

Although my father is a very difficult person in my life, I've always loved him. For the good soul, that he is at least in parts. He can be extremely annoying in parts, and for certain he has ruined a lot, but nobody is perfect. Same goes for my mother who was less bossy, but also had her contribution to keep me as far as possible from living up to my dreams.

 

2. For some years now, living just the loneliest life
...and it starts scaring me, the more I realize how lonely I do live. And how far I am from being able to just quickly make a change to it. As I mentioned in an earlier post, my social life is at zero, even before Covid hit the world. With currently 2 remaining real-life friends who I meet like once or twice a year, the only people I see are my therapist and from time to time my professors at college. And my parents! I currently actually do live with them (again), since I fell to depressive for running a household anymore, plus losing my job to pay my appartment.

Plus, apart from real-life, I've had - for 9 years now! - not a single contact on any social media like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Youtube, you name it. Just to get it straight: I never regarded social media as super important, and I would not be among those who spent hours and hours there every day. But I do remember that a regular exchange with an online society, about more or less important everyday stuff, can keep you feel more alive. In the end, regardless of being online or offline, there is a reason why it's called Social Media. Humans are social beings in the first place. And thought real life is the most natural, it is not always available or possible to meet up quickly with everyone. But, as I said, I wouldn't have estimated it to be sooo important.

...until you miss it completely. Like with many things until you lose them, like with health, money, food, shelter... we all take it for granted as long as they come naturally to us. Now, that I completely retreated from real-life contacts and social-media, I feel so immensely lonely. A life, where you exchange nothing of your thoughts and feelings with other people, is like non-existent (okay, that doesn't apply for everybody, some are fine being left to themselves, but for me it more an more becomes like hell)

Following on from what I said about the longing for my parents' approval, and that they are still (or better said: again) my only direct everyday contacts, it feels obvious that I still have the will of "showing" them (as my first critics) when I have composed a new piece of musc - like a 5 year-old who didn't get any appreciation back then. The "normal" way, nowadays, would be showing it to peers, be it offline or online. Where just a little smile or thumb-up can eventually make you smile on a gloomy and lonely.

I really want to change that. And I have to change a lot. But already physically I feel so super-exhausted all the time, from insomnia, depressions, new comorbidities, that the things I'd have to change are an overwhelming mountain, even if I divide it in smaller and smaller pieces. And I have lost faith, perspective, how life should (realistically) become any better again.

About a social media presence, I don't even know where to start. Having zero contacts in an era where most people have naturally grown 1,000 followers, but especially as I don't wanna show myself on camera anymore. For a musician, this is really a restriction these day, because "Video killed the radio star". People won't sit down and just listen to some music. They always wanna be entertained visually these days.