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Trouble letting loose sexually

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Confused54, Jul 7, 2017.

  1. Confused54

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    My boyfriend and I both came out of the closet in the last year. We met about 3 months ago and have been thoroughly enjoying spending time together, in and out of the sack. We share sensuous touch, are playful with each other, and are learning together the pleasures of man to man sex. But most of the time we're on a very pleasurable long journey that never arrives at climax.

    BF had some medical issues a couple of years back that affected his sensitivity, but he's mostly over that now. I've never had any problems cuming, and when I was with my ex-wife I had a short fuse after foreplay. Now I seem to have the opposite problem -- incredible staying power --but have trouble letting go and achieving orgasm. I don't have a problem when I masturbate (alone) so I'm guessing it's all in my head. I had great climaxes with a couple of guys I was seeing casually (###### and Craigslist finds) but didn't have the emotional connection.

    BF and I agree that the journey is the most important thing, but we'd like to arrive sometimes as well. Any ideas?
     
  2. Humbly Me

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    It sounds like you are very nervous with him. Which means that you need to find the source of your unsettledness and confront or accept it.
     
  3. baristajedi

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    Dan savage of savage love has a lot of very useful advice on trying to find ways to climax when you are having trouble getting there. I think it may be a matter of trouble relaxing fully. I don't have specific advice but I hope this helps generate some thoughts.
     
  4. Confused54

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    In many ways I feel completely, totally relaxed -- almost "going to sleep" relaxed. Baristajedi, I'll check what Savage has to say. Thanks for the lead.
     
  5. Tomás1

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    What comes up for me so to speak:
    • Have u tried lotion to help climax?
    • all relationships have a sexual cycle of their own, times when it's hot, other times luke warm, other times cold. I think this is especially true w male to male relationships - the testosterone factor. It could be boredom. Behind this, is the emotional factor: how much you're into each other. For instance, even tho I may like a guy, & want to get closer to him … there can be other factors that inhibit that - & could inhibit climaxing. There could be something about him that turns me off - e.g. his smell, he doesn't have a job, he's too big, we're both top oriented (endless possibilities)
    • Is there anything about your BF that turns u off?
     
  6. Landgirl

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    I haven't posted here in quite a while, but me and my girlfriend are having a similar problem.

    We are both in our 50s, and both been married. She had had two longterm girlfriends before we met in February this year, but I only came out a couple of years ago and she is my first. Also, my husband was my only previous sexual partner and we were married 32 years, so I had very little experience. I had got used to certain ways of doing things, and never had to adapt to a new partner of either gender.

    We are very tactile, and are always kissing and holding hands, but I was frightened about making love for the first time (it was the same with my husband) in case I was no good at it, or was expected to do things I wasn't comfortable with. So I asked her to take charge. She is able to climax quite readily by a variety of means, and did so from the start, but for the first couple of months she was unable to get me to do the same, despite doing things that had always worked for me in the past.

    I told her that I thought it was because I wasn't able to fully relax. This view would seem to be correct, because it happened for me for the first time when we went on holiday, and her levels of arousal, which had been declining for a while due to her worrying that she wasn't getting anywhere with me, shot back up. She was also able to get me to climax in ways my husband never had. We had great sex for the next few times after we came back, but now we are back where we started, with me rarely climaxing, and her rarely doing so now either.

    I'm not sure what to do about it. She assures me that it doesn't matter, she is happy getting just as far as we get. But I know that she has a high sex drive and has always enjoyed making love with great frequency in the past. Also, she is very understanding and encouraging, but a single unguarded remark which slipped through has led me to believe she wants more, and so do I. I got great pleasure in the early days from giving her a good time, regardless of whether anything worked for me, but now she seems to think that if I'm not hugely aroused, we shouldn't proceed further, perhaps she interprets it that she's pressurising me when I'm not interested. I want to maximise my own ability to enjoy what we do, not reduce hers.

    I know that a large part of my problem comes from two issues in my past. My mother always had a very negative attitude to sex, which made me feel I was doing something wrong, and my husband always made it clear that he was dissatisfied with the frequency of our sex life, and the fact I wouldn't do oral (it made me feel sick attempting to do it with a man). So it is an area where I have become conditioned to expect problems.

    Also there is age to take into account. I always noticed that my levels of arousal were closely connected to my hormones, and since menopause they have definitely dropped. And stress always causes them to drop further, so being involved in a long distance relationship, whilst still trying to maintain contact with my son, and sorting out my divorce when my husband will not speak to me, is unsurprisingly adding to it.

    I will definitely look at your link baristajedi, and I'm sorry I haven't been able to provide any useful advice based on my experience. All I can say is the issue under discussion appears to be not at all unusual, for a variety of reasons, but in my case definitely seems to be due to a mixture of lack of confidence combined with shaming in the past.
     
  7. findingjoy

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    are you enjoying the sex? I am still very new to gay sex but I find it's an all over body experience, I feel sensual and stimulated everywhere, not just my sex organs. I also am so into pleasuring a guy that I really don't care if I 'get off' . I love being a bottom and I prefer being f*cked to orgasming.

    maybe just relax a little and enjoy the intimacy?
     
  8. Confused54

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    FindingJoy, my BF and I are definitely enjoying the sex, including touch everywhere on our bodies. We're both pretty new to this whole gay sex thing, my BF more than me, so we're exploring and enjoying the journey. But it seems odd to me to have more difficulty achieving orgasm with my BF than I did with random fucks from ###### or Craigslist. Maybe the expectations are higher? A bit of "I can't believe this is happening?" We're OK with where things are and figure the rest will come in good time.
     
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  9. findingjoy

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    me too!
    yes this does seem weird. but like you said maybe it's just expectations...
    How about one night one of you concentrate on just one of you achieving orgasm? maybe there's a favorite position or fantasy you can try?