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Trouble ejaculating with a partner.

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Patrick7269, Oct 12, 2016.

  1. Patrick7269

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    Hi All!

    I'm a 43 year old gay man and I've been out for over 20 years, having had lots of great sex. I'm HIV-negative and in general good health.

    I don't know why, but it's very hard for me to cum when I'm with a partner. This is true whether someone is performing oral sex on me, masturbating me, or whether I'm topping them. The one exception is when I'm bottoming, because of the additional stimulation to the prostate.

    I grew up with a lot of shame and trauma when my fairly conservative family found out I'm gay. Although things are okay today I've survived a number of shaming and traumatic events from my childhood and teen years. Could these early events have created shame that subconsciously delays or even prevents orgasm?

    I also tend to masturbate with lubricant, and I like to make it last. Is my habit of "stamina" backfiring when I'm with someone? Have I become so used to my own methods of masturbation that sex with a partner has actually become strange or less stimulating?

    Finally, I go through periods of watching porn. I will look at it regularly for several weeks or months, and then back off or stop entirely. Am I desensitizing myself to my real-life partner with porn? (As an aside, I'll say that not using porn and simply being present to your own body brings much more pleasure!)

    Does anyone else here struggle with difficult or impossible ejaculation with a partner? Have you figured out what causes it and/or what to do about it?

    Thanks,

    Patrick
     
  2. A Republican

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    Hump the bed or your partner. When you're building up continue with the partner. Most people with that issue use a bed or a mattress from what I've been told and I've always done that instead of masturbating (which takes ages).
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    It sounds like you already recognize what one of the underlying issues might be. Shame is a very powerful emotion. It is one of the fundamental emotions. With all that you have been through, it should not be a surprise that it still effects you.

    I believe dealing with shame is an ongoing battle. Recognizing shame is part of the battle, taking the time to work through it is the ongoing process. As you work through it, you might see improvement in your sexual performance.
     
  4. farmboy

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    I read that somewhere too. I too have trouble cumming with a partner unless I am bottoming for him. I used to get off by humping the bed until I was in my 20s and saw guys jerking it in porn.
     
  5. aussielefty

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    even though I can masturbate myself by hand and can most times ejaculate,
    and I just love humping my pillow or a small blanked bunched up almost like a wedgie and I get intense orgasms ... but.....

    its when I am with some one else and they are masturbating or sucking me off,
    that I cant ejaculate, I spent the night with a guy a couple of years ago and he must have spent all night sucking on me and masturbating me , just couldn't get there for him..
    I bawled my eyes out .. it is frustrating though..
    wonder like though if your with a regular partner, ie wife bf husband what ever,
    if it is different and you can hopefully relaxe more and not be in so much of a rush just to cum...??? :icon_sad:
     
  6. Magikarp27

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    I have this problem too. ive only had sex with one partner but ive had such a hard time getting off. only was able to do it once.
     
  7. aussielefty

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    glad mi not the only one with this problem, is it a common thing with gay men or is it also with straight men too??
     
  8. EverDeer

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    The only times I've found it difficult to orgasm with another partner around is if I am emotionally shy or shameful like you believe you might be and thus unable to be vulnerable or open up to them. Also, much how you said you'll go through periods of strong sexual interest and then deterrence, I used to do this as well but that was because I often found that I tried to use sex as a cover up for my emotional needs and desires, and so I would essentially exhaust myself trying to please others or seem like I was "doing it right" and always getting what I needed out of sex, but in reality I wasn't being honest and was ignoring many of my emotional needs, so then I would end up in a back-and-forth like that. I'd say much like some of the suggestions above, don't be fearful of yourself during sex with new partners and try and look into some of the shame you're feeling and see if that's contributing.
     
  9. mangotree

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    So weird, I was going to post pretty much this exact situation about myself this morning.

    I've always struggled with 'finishing' with a partner (except when bottoming), so much so that when my partner tries to get me off through other means, his hand or jaw gets too tired before I even get close.
    Half the time I just focus solely on pleasing him instead of even trying to get me going. Which I think is a good compromise because I like making him feel good.

    I think it's partially a mental thing an partially a physical/sensitivity thing.

    The mental thing (mostly) is the fact that I know that I'm going to take a long time, and I don't want to put him through the unrewarding task of making me feel good without a climax. It's almost like I've gotten into my head that finishing for him is the best way to make him feel like he's loved and sexy and has done really well at pleasing me. And the fact that I really want to finish for him kind of puts unconscious pressure on me which results in the opposite of the intention.

    I also think being circumcised has a bit to do with it - much much less sensitivity down there than our uncircumcised counterparts.

    I've had a bit success in the past with dildo and/or fingers while simultaneous receiving hand or mouth stimulation, the result is actually very intense in the few instances that it's happened. Perhaps being open and having a partner who's open to a bit of "experimentation" could be a way to help?
     
  10. aussielefty

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    I dont know if being circumcised is the issue, as I have foreskin ..

    Also I dont know if too much masturbation counts as I only do it a couple times a week