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Tried to bottle my emotions

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Markness, Sep 3, 2021.

  1. Markness

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    I really attempted to bottle up my emotions and that’s partly why I haven’t posted lately. However, instead of getting better and having new things to talk about, I have instead suffered from more sadness and pain from how this year has gone for me.

    I’ve made attempts to be more social and break the spell of social isolation that’s honestly gotten worse as the years have gone on. Despite my best efforts, I keep getting others flaking on me, dragging their feet to the point I lose all of my patience, disinterest in even being my friend, and shut out from joining in on social events. This has lately been happening with the therapy group I am a part of. Even when I mention to others that I want to hang out, something always happens with them and my social growth remains stunted. I also thought my luck in regards to romance was going to change but the person didn’t even want to talk to me.

    I even joined a hiking group because I was told women find men who hike attractive for a number of reasons but none of the women want to even keep in touch outside the group events and some disappear entirely. It doesn’t help that I can only attend the events once a week due to my restrictive work schedule and sometimes not even then because constant inclement weather for the last few months often cancels the hikes. I feel like I will eventually stop going just like with every Meet Up group I’ve joined up with.

    Due to the constant bad incidents I’ve experienced this year, I now suffer from PTSD-like flashbacks. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I am doing. My mind will be assaulted with the thoughts of the bad events I’ve been dealt with throughout this year.

    I want something to go my way before the year ends.
     
  2. Rayland

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    Socialising can be hard. Especially now, because of pandemic. I have always been bad with socialising others, even though I like to be chatty and talk to others. There are a lot of times, when the conversation ends quite awkwardly. This happens if I run out of topics to talk or I can’t get, what I want to say through to other person. It sucks, that these events have happened in therapy group :frowning2: You have done very good with putting in effort. It takes time for things to happen. I think you should keep it up, just being yourself and keep doing what you like and then your social circle will expand naturally, over time.

    Maybe you just haven’t made yourself clear enough that you want to join them? (It’s just me thinking out loud :slight_smile:) I’m sorry that things didn’t work out with that person, but you know how the saying goes, there are plenty of other fish in the sea and it’s their loss.

    I think you should find some activity, that you are enjoying as well, not only for finding romance there (that’s a bonus). If others see, that you are enjoying yourself too, then you naturally attract people, who enjoy the same things you do.

    Good luck. I hope things get better for you.
     
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  3. Rayland

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    Sorry, my advice got mixed in the quote box, so I redo that. You did say you are in therapy group, but how do you feel about going to individual therapy? Maybe then you can get more individual help and it helps you to understand yourself more and get new ideas.
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    I want to echo what Rayland says here. I actually started hanging out only in WLW groups because I got sick of men only talking to me in order to try to compel me to have sex with them (not just in groups for doing things but even walking up to me on the street or in stores pretending to want to talk or anything really but it always led to trying to shove their dicks in me) (sorry to be so crass about it but that is really how it was). I spent years thinking that I was a lesbian and then years more saying I was asexual just to be left alone. What attracted me to my now husband is that he was completely respectful towards me. We both play role playing games which is where we met and then after my marriage ended he and I started just hanging out together and talking. We were simply friends for over 6 months after that before we got physical at all and that was just cuddling (not a euphemism for him shoving his dick in me like so many men tried before. he would simply hold me, the literal meaning of the word cuddle). It was a couple of months after that when we decided to be in a relationship and only after that did we have sex. He continues to prove that not all men are toxic and are only about forcing themselves on women and that is why I continue to want to be with him (both in a relationship and to have sex).
     
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  5. Markness

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    I actually undergo both.
     
  6. Markness

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    Sadly, most women I’ve encountered in person think a man who isn’t aggressive in wanting to have sex with them is a loser or even gay. I’ve been told those things by them. :frowning2:
     
  7. Rayland

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    Not all women want agressive men.
     
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  8. Rayland

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    I have experience with men and a women trying to approach me aggresively and I hated it. It actually made me very uncomfortable and I wanted to get away from them. Maybe these women just wanted to keep you away from them or scare you. Sometimes being agrressive works, if the person is into it, but mostly it just backfires. And I’m not trying to be mean or anything, these are just my thoughts and that little experience I have when it comes to finding a partner. You need to have more confidence and be genuine. No one likes someone who is pretending to be someone they are not. If you are not agressive, then don’t try to be one. I’m sure you can find someone who likes the real you.
     
  9. Markness

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    I know that. It’s just that the women I’ve attempted to engage with socially dislike men who aren’t aggressive.
     
  10. Markness

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    What made me more sad when they didn’t like me was that they were putting up with men who would physically harass them.
     
  11. QuietPeace

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    Damaged people seek out abusers, I know this from my own history and from other damaged people. Even if you were to be abusive and attract someone who wanted to be abused do you really want to be an abuser in a relationship? I am not the only woman who does not want a jackass as a partner. It could be where you are looking, if you are looking for people who just want hookups that is a sure fire way of not finding someone who would want a healthy relationship.
     
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  12. Chip

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    As Gabor Maté says, "When we attempt to push down our feelings, what happens? We push them down... we depress them. And then we're surprised when we are depressed."

    Bottling up one's emotions is exactly what creates depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders. The best solution is to work through them... find someone trustworthy (or, for that matter, maybe start here) and share what's going on (as you're starting to do.) I think you'll find that will be a lot more effective than trying to push down the feelings.
     
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  13. Markness

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    I live in an area that considers itself Christian and moral but it’s only a facade. Behind closed doors, most people around me are having sex outside of marriage. However, people still call themselves Christian and will frown upon you if you don’t consider yourself one. It’s extremely ridiculous.

    I’ve been told I come off as desperate and depressed. This is largely because I am on the autism spectrum and I became clinically depressed due to being bullied constantly and my older brother always stole the show. However, in the therapy group I am in, there are depressed people getting into relationships or already have them so this baffles me.
     
    #13 Markness, Sep 14, 2021 at 12:57 AM
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2021 at 12:57 AM
  14. QuietPeace

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    I am also on the spectrum. I was bullied as a child by peers and family. I have been heavily abused all of my life. I understand what you have been through in the past and what you are going through now, I have been there.

    You need to stop concentrating on what other people are doing and what they have, concentrating on others is a sure recipe for depression. The only way to make progress will be to work on your own issues and start taking steps to develop your own life. As I have said in this thread and in other places, start participating in things that you enjoy for their own sake. In doing so you will find other people with similar interests. This will develop into finding friends and then there is the eventual possibility of something more intimate. Even if you do not find someone for a permanent relationship or to have sex with your life will measurably improve by reaching out to others.
     
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  15. Markness

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    I need to sleep soon so I will have to get back to you on the rest of this message. I just want to say the last sentence is something I’ve been told in similar ways and my mind honestly has a hard time understanding it. It’s mainly because I was often told I was a loser and would never “get laid” so the idea of dying without ever experiencing love, both in romance and sex, saddens me more than anything else.
     
  16. QuietPeace

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    Again, I have experienced this also. You really should get into therapy, everyone can benefit from therapy and given the amount of trauma and other issues that you have you would be certain to benefit if you are willing to do the work.

    Relationships are about a lot more than sex. In fact most people who stay in long relationships find that even though the sex often gets less frequent the relationship becomes deeper. Pursuing friendship and stronger relationships should be more important. Doing the personal work before though is very important.

    I do not know what the word "love" really means, it seems to be a very pliable word and thus meaningless for actual communication. It has been used mostly by people in my past to justify abusing me. Looking for long term relationship with someone who cares about me has been what I have decided is important. Again, doing the personal work will make this much easier. As far as meaningless fucking if that is what a person is looking for, that can be done by just downloading an app or simply paying someone. I myself found sex without a deeper relationship to be disgusting personally but many people prefer it. What you do in that vein is up to you.
     
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  17. Markness

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    Still short on time but I can make enough to reply to your last message.

    I’ve actually been in therapy since I was 17. My current therapist I have seen since 2011 though there was a hiatus for eight months in 2018.

    Please hear me out. I didn’t mean to convey that I thought relationships were only for sex. I was just saying that was a common taunt I got.

    I don’t want hook ups.
     
  18. Markness

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    True that. :clap: