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Transgurl with daily pensive guilt or worry.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by DoriaN, Oct 6, 2014.

  1. DoriaN

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    So I've been transitioning for a while, but it's been a shitshow rollercoaster to be frank.
    I'm FINALLY in a more stable place both with my treatment and overall my feelings, but I do have some outstanding issues I'm still working on.

    I live at home with my parents, and my parents do /not/ approve. Mostly my dad, he thinks I'm demon possessed; which my mom thinks is ridiculous, but she's also not comfortable with my gender 'change'.
    I adore my parents and they adore me, but I'll be moving out to spare them the hurt, and it'll allow me more expressive freedom.

    I have huge guilt or shame issues, I only want to please others and my parents, I don't want to shame them or myself, but I also can't lie about how I feel.

    I'm Christian, but I do believe it can cooperate with transgenderism, though I respect either way how believers view this topic, and will not put a stumbling block in other's beliefs since we all will have to stand at the judgment seat of Christ for ourselves.


    ~~~


    Going back to more of the meat and potatoes of my topic, I have a few key concerns that I'm trying to work out.

    See, I rotate in my head my bodily issues. Sometimes I feel my voice is good but my face isn't passable. Sometimes I feel my face is passable but not my body or shoulders. Sometimes I feel my height is passable but not my voice. I constantly mull over essentially superficial details in a desperate attempt to be 'normal' or 'acceptable'.

    I effectively WANT to be stealth, but I don't need to 'live' stealth. I have no shame about being trans in and of itself, but I don't want to be a 'fag' or sore thumb in a crowd of ladies.

    Copy pasted from a chat with a friend:

    "See, it's not so much how I feel about myself, as I'm worried how 'others' view me. I could for all intents and purposes likely live as a super girly guy, doing clothes and makeup, but I don't want to be perceived as a fem guy, does that make sense?
    I don't want to be some dude in a dress, I want to be received as someone genuine and myself, I want to be viewed as a pretty girl, not as a pretty or flambuyant guy.
    I've never felt like a woman trapped in a man's body... my body is my body. There are certain things I want to change about my body, but I acknowledge it's /my/ body.
    I feel like /me/.
    The physical aspect is moreso superficial, it's all mental/spiritual."


    That said, having male genitalia and such really does bother me. It's almost not even so much the parts, so much as the 'bulge'. That mound, that outdent, that 'shape' should NOT be there, it bothers me greatly. I've also always felt like I've had a phantom chest, I hunch over a lot and especially now that I'm on hormones to hide my chest.

    Part of me is also scared to lose the male aspects of my life. I've been told I'm a very attractive male, and I essentially have the perfect male body, mesomorph build, 5'11" height, I'm me and I take a little bit of the best of all worlds.
    I'm not saying that to brag, but sometimes I feel like I would be a more attractive man than woman, and the thought is unsettling in some ways. Again I know it's more of a petty issue, but it's an issue nonetheless.
    Mentally I know I'm not fully male, I sort of feel 70% female 30% male, and oftentimes a lot of gender issues are blurred with no -real- male or female aspect to them, so overall I definitely feel more female and it's not a subtle feeling; I dislike being referred to as male in both pronouns and gesture.

    Really worried about how my whole family will receive me. We're all religious so there will be hmms and haws on all sides, and it's pretty scary.
    My biggest concerns really are being able to roll out of bed and passing, and how I'm perceived. I want to read as female beyond a shadow of doubt, if not it'll destroy me a bit inside.
    For knowledge's sake, this is Month 14/5 on hormones for me. 14 is when I started but I went from patch to pill, so I effectively had to start over, all change has been from the pill really. I'm 25, Canadian, and vexed.

    Love you guys, any and all input is defn welcome! If pictures are necessary my profile I think has 2-3, but I can also share more for a better portrayal.

    Just trying to establish a foundation of a rock rather than my current foundation of sand.
    Thanks!
     
  2. Starfleet

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    Hi DoriaN. :slight_smile: I'm just starting all my journey with this, and it's interesting to see you and this place in your journey.

    I'm not sure what help I can offer, except to say that I also hope to present as a real woman someday, not as a guy. I can understand guilt/shame issues and wanting to please others as well.

    (*hug*) If you'd ever just like to talk, I'm your girl! :slight_smile:
     
  3. KayJay

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    From what I saw on your profile I think you can pass really well. I couldn't really understand the 14/5 thing, so I can't tell how long you've been on hormones and what not but you really look good to me in that picture so I wouldn't worry so much. I know that is much easier said than done, I always worry about the same things that you mentioned. My shoulders, voice, height and face are all my demons depending on the day.

    The family thing is really hard because some (key word here! Some, not all! :slight_smile:) people who are religious are really extreme and would rather blindly believe whatever than accept their own child. I hope your parents are not like that and will eventually realize this is who you are supposed to be. My dad wasn't too keen at first but now he is good with everything although he isn't religious which doesn't make it less relatable to your parents.

    I also know someone online who has the same sort of problem. She started transitioning and is now scared of being an ugly girl instead of a really attractive guy. At least that was the case last time I had talked to her, not sure now but the struggle is out there. It is also valid because self image is a big part of society today. This may not help but I do recall an article I read about beauty a while back which I will link to: I do think it could perhaps make people feel bad so I advise clicking at your own risk. Not Everyone Is Beautiful | Mindless Productivity

    I know the article may seem like a downer but I think the writer has a point. Not everyone can be beautiful to their own or everyone else's standards. I am having trouble with explaining it but I dunno. I think for some trans people it really can help a bit. I know after reading it I saw myself a bit differently and oddly enough it made me feel better about myself. I suppose it is different if you are trans because you don't necessarily want to be beautiful, we just want to be recognized as the gender we are inside. So while it is different, it some what shares meaning in my opinion.

    Hopefully I helped at least a little bit! If you ever need to ramble, talk, shoot the ol' bull or whatever feel free to sent me a message :slight_smile:
     
  4. DoriaN

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    Thanks you two.

    It's month 5 on pills which is where the real effects are from, but technically month 14 since I started on the patch.

    That link about beauty was actually really nice. I know I buy into the superficial aspect but it's hard not to you know?

    I have an ideal image of myself, so my problem isn't about being super good looking but rather being complimentary to how I feel in my looks. As a guy my features work well, but for a girl they carry a masculine tone that conflicts, therein lies the issue.
    If I stayed as a guy I have no work that is needed, it's defn the lazy way out. As a girl I'd need surgery, and in a lot of ways want some basic FFS (Chin, brow bone and nose, but my nose I broke when I was little, I really do -not- want to change how I look).

    I think about surgery a lot lately, like a magic fix to my problem, but I know the problem is part physical part self esteem part fear. Just trying to figure it out..
     
  5. gravechild

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    There's a lot going on here, some of which I can relate to, but either way, I see there being pain, sacrifices, and scary changes no matter which you choose.

    Between living as a male, because it's more acceptable to those around you, and "easier", and choosing to live as a female, but with the transphobia, sexism, and other difficulties that come with it, I'd say people's perceptions change during their journey. Some are enthusiastic at first, but change their minds later, while some spend years denying their true selves, and wishing they had transitioned earlier, so really, there's no one size fits all answer.

    I've seen your pictures, by the way, and definitely think you give off strong female vibes. My first thought wouldn't be guy, dude, bro, man, etc. And though many transgenders hate, hate, hate to hear it, I actually like the mixing of cis and trans physical features - for example, I love sharp, angular features on women, and some trans women tend to have those, but in a way that's not common in cis women. Not that I would ever mistake them for a man, but they would catch my eye by having unique features. Same with trans guys, even pre everything, who are naturally twinkish/boyish.

    Oh, and this decision doesn't need to be set in stone and immediate. Your goals and path might change, but you'll have to accept "failure" and disappointment as natural parts of life. I remember one trans woman telling me she tried being the best man she could before transitioning, but can't seem to recall what her exact reasoning was for that. Since you've already partly "crossed over", it might be different for you.
     
  6. DoriaN

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    Yeah. The plan WAS to take this to my grave. Didn't work out.

    Right now I'm just scared of integrating fully and especially working, since people I've worked with in the past will recognize me and know who I was before. I work in the trades too, so in a hyper masculine enviroment, it's really scary



    "I've seen your pictures, by the way, and definitely think you give off strong female vibes. My first thought wouldn't be guy, dude, bro, man, etc."

    Well that's good. I think only in 1 of those photos was I ever on hormones (If I was probably only for a month or two). That or I was not on hrt for any of them. So if I gave off strong female vibes before that's reassuring!

    Truthfully I haven't taken any real pictures of myself since being on hormones. I have a couple old pictures I adore but I really should take/upload new ones to post and get feedback.

    Still accepting advice and info, some days are up and some are down; I feel like a Katy Perry song.
     
  7. I feel like I'm giving you the same advice you gave me yesterday. First off, you should totally take more pictures. Putting them on here will allow others in your situation to provide feedback that will hopefully help you out. I understand why you're afraid to lose your male form, I guess you could say I'm the same way.

    Second off, yeah people you know might look at you weird, but like you said to me, they really shouldn't judge, nor should you let that bother you. I doubt that most transgenders are able to drop everything and start life completely over with no connections to their past. Some people are going to know who you were and if they're good people they'll support you.

    I hope this helps boost your confidence a bit, even just a little teeny tiny bit. If I were you I'd be afraid as well, you have the right to be afraid, and the right to get over it and feel some pride! :slight_smile: