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Trans woman - lesbian or bi?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Marci, May 3, 2021.

  1. Marci

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    “Boy” growing up in traditional conservative family fantasizing about wearing women’s clothes. Married and child by 21. Never told my wife of my desire to wear women’s clothes til I was 59 was a mistake. Told her of my feminine feelings and that I wanted to dress as a woman. Did not go well. A year later, I have dropped subject but desire is stronger than ever. Loving my wife I guess makes me a lesbian, but while watching porn I’ve been fantasizing about being
    with a man. Am I bi?
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    It is probably too early to tell what your orientation as a woman actually is. There are two things at play here, your true gender and who you are attracted to, and only you can really come up with the answers though other people can advise you. Also, just so you know I am a woman who was assigned male at birth and I was brought up in an extremely conservative and religious family.

    As far as your gender, you say that you fantasize about wearing women's clothes. Is there more to it or is that all? If all you want to do is wear dresses and makeup at times then this could mean that you are a cross-dresser. It does not have to mean that you are actually a woman. If you are thinking or fantasizing more about actually living full time as a woman that would be more telling about your gender as being possibly female.

    As far as your orientation, porn is a very bad indicator of actual orientation. There are lesbians who watch gay porn who do not see themselves in any way as male nor are they attracted to men at all. It is a better indicator if when you see men while out and about you then see them as someone you might possibly want to be with sexually. This is something that might become easier for you to do if you start living as a woman also. Also, you say that being emotionally close to your wife (for my own personal reasons I do not use the four letter L word) would make you a lesbian. Are you sexually attracted to her or are you with her because that is what you are supposed to be? (compulsory heteronormativity)

    Both of these things will take consideration on your part and work to "deprogram" yourself from your upbringing.
     
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  3. chicodeoro

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    Short answer: Only you can tell.

    But does it matter? Assuming you want your marriage to continue, the question is how do you reconcile your relationship with your feelings around trans-ness/ cross dressing?

    I'd say, counselling would be a good place to start.

    I'm a similarly late starter. In my case it took me til 51 to realise that I always have been trans. I think many in our generation were not able to come to terms with our true gender due to shame or the societal pressure that there was in the 20th Century.

    Good luck though - I hope you can find a way to work it all out.

    Beth
     
  4. Marci

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    Before 2020, Lbgtqia was something I knew almost nothing about. I was ignorant but knew of gay and lesbian people considering them to be just people in the “mixing bowl”. All the other “letters” were unknowns to me. I thought my secret love of women’s clothing and feminine desires just meant I was a crossdresser. The seclusion from the pandemic brought my feelings to a boil and I started reading more and “researching” my desires. In my 40’s I discovered that my father was a “crossdresser”. Now I wonder if he was trans. I wish I could go see a therapist but my wife feels they would validate my feelings. She sees my femininity and comments on it occasionally. I’m hoping that she will come around and accept me. I have researched being changed surgically as tucking and stuffing a bra helps but isn’t giving me what I need. I do love my wife and am somewhat sexually active. I prefer orally although I have started taking cialis to help me perform. I do fantasize about being a woman during intercourse to climax. Watching porn and fantasizing about being a woman in body as well as mind has me wondering about bisexuality and wondering how I will look at men when I feel safe to get back out in the world. One reason I searched and found EC is to better understand the many facets of the gender and sexuality realm.
     
  5. QuietPeace

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    Just from your wife discouraging you from seeing a therapist and why I do not believe that she will simply "come around". I was in two heteronormative marriages, one to a woman who pressured me to detransition to marry her and the other who I married after allowing myself to be put through conversion "therapy" and both stood steadfast against me living as my true self. I was only able to regain myself after I became single again. (both knew of my true self prior to our getting seriously involved).

    Surgery is the last step in medically transitioning. First you will need to be allowed to see a therapist and then you would need to proceed with HRT. These alone can help one feel better but if you cannot even see a therapist you are not going to progress.

    As far as actually exploring being bisexual, in order to try being with men you are going to need to either open your relationship or leave it. Are either of those possibilities?
     
  6. chicodeoro

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    It's a real shame your wife is so negative (and controlling) about you seeing a therapist. It might untangle a lot of what you have going on regarding sexuality and gender.

    I'm just under a year ahead of you, I guess. In my case it was actually losing my partner which was the catalyst of a revelation about my gender around this time last year. Interestingly, once I had accepted being trans my libido collapsed overnight. If anything, I'd say I'm asexual now. I'm still getting to grips with all of this in therapy. I would love to feel loved and be in a sexual relationship again, but I have to sort out where I am in terms of gender and be comfortable in a new identity before that can happen once more.

    Anyway, stick around on here, and have a look at past threads - there is a lot of good advice from people who have been there.

    Beth
     
  7. Marci

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    Wow! I’ll try to reply and keep on task. I’ve known my wife for 40 years and have seen her react dramatically then reconsider her reaction down the line. I love her deeply and I’m probably asexual as I can only please her sexually if I’m medicated. I have interest in trans, lesbians, gay, cis-women & others. Do I have to be sexually active with any or all groups to be considered pansexual. Other than orally, I’m not sexually functional unless medicated. Now can I be a womxn without a vagina? Sure can! My dream surgeries would be in no particular order. Breast implants, prostate removal, orchiectomy along with scrotum removal and penile reduction (if necessary). I have no plans to have these done in the immediate future, but a girl can dream.
    ❤️
    Marci
     
  8. QuietPeace

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    ED is not the same as being asexual. Being asexual means that you are not sexually interested in anyone. ED can have a lot of causes both physical and emotional.

    You do not have to be sexually active with anyone, just be able to be sexually attracted to people from any of the groups (but that does not mean that you can find ANYONE attractive, you can still have preferences as in body type, hair color etc)

    Sure you can, I am a woman I have neither a vagina nor a neovagina (giving an assigned male at birth person an actual vagina is not yet possible, they create a neovagina from the skin of the phallus and sometimes intestine tissue). Prostate removal is not actually done as part of transition or transition surgeries (it is even rare in cases of cancer). Breast implants are optional, HRT will cause natural breast development (I have no implants and my breasts are larger and fuller than a number of cis women that I know). I have only had the orchiectomy. The last part would be done as either labiaplasty (construction of the externals with no neovagina) or vaginoplasty (construction of the externals and a neovagina).
     
  9. Marci

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    ED is not the same as asexual, but you can be asexual (no libido) and have ED. I’m take medication for my wife’s pleasure.
    I did not say anything about transition surgery, just surgery. HRT has risks that I’m not willing to take. By stopping my body’s production of testosterone, my body should produce more estrogen I think(?). Prostate removal can result in a smaller penis. I’d settle for just an inch. That’s where I may have to seek surgery to achieve that.
    Breast implants are a method to get breasts without HRT.
    Vagioplasty can give a person a functional vagina, but a zero depth vagioplasty can give a real looking vagina externally. I have no desire for either.
    Lacking any desire for sexual intercourse, I don’t need the equipment. Someday, I desire to easily be able to present as the womxn I am. I do find many sexually attractive without any desire for intercourse.
    Again, the intercourse with my wife is solely for her pleasure. I fantasize as a womxn during to enhance her experience. I enjoy orally pleasing my wife, she enjoys it and I can further fantasize being a womxn. I could care if I ever have an erection again.
     
  10. QuietPeace

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    No, in an assigned male at birth person virtually all of the sex hormones both estrogen and testosterone are produced by the testes. An orchiectomy removes those and after that you are at high risk for osteoporosis if you do not start taking either testosterone or estrogen. It is only necessary to take it at a low level but the alternative is a different drug with a lot of side effects which is normally only given to women who have a high risk for estrogen sensitive cancer.

    As far as the rest, if you have the money (or access to insurance that will pay) to find a surgeon who will do whatever you want to your body then that is of course your choice.
     
  11. Marci

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    At my age osteoporosis is acceptable compared to blood clots, strokes and heart attacks.
     
  12. QuietPeace

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    Just so you know, I am 58 and have taken estrogen for over 30 years with no issues. Though for me medical transition was necessary and life saving. I am also biased in that my paternal grandmother died because of osteoporosis.
     
  13. Marci

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    As am I biased. With no family history of heart disease, I’ve had heart failure twice. At 39 and again at 55.