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Trans Romance

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by phoenix42, Nov 28, 2011.

  1. phoenix42

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    Ok, so I have been really considering telling my parents about my transgender feelings and hopefully (eventually) begining transition. I did have a question about romance as a transgender person. I am a very romantically driven person, I like long relationships with great meaning behind them and a deep emotional connection. Because of this, I have a very difficult time finding people I'm attracted to already (living as a guy in college). I'm sure it doesnt get easier when you start to/finish transitioning but how difficult does it become? I'm worried that if I ended up going through with transitioning then I would not be able to find love (sounds cliche and pathetic but it's as true an expression as I could think of). Anyone have some input or experience in this subject that could put my mind at ease a little?

    oh, and I tend to overreact, overanalyze and overthink so I do make huge deals out of small things that end up working out fine. Hoping this is the case but I'm still petrified.
     
  2. 11 11 11

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    Ok I don't have any first-hand experience in this field

    But I am in a similar position to yourself. I'm a bit of a romantic, and the idea of transitioning and then never finding someone, makes my life seem pointless...

    Anyway - the way I've always thought of this is:

    If you were a MTF who transitioned to female and was looking for a male partner, then at the very least you have all the transition'ed FTM's to try out.

    And you wouldn't believe how many trans-friendly people there are out there....really.

    I mean at the momment I present as a guy - and I'd have no trouble loving a t-girl....does that count? :grin:
     
  3. phoenix42

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    "I mean at the momment I present as a guy - and I'd have no trouble loving a t-girl....does that count? "

    That does count, I just really fret that there are not a lot of people out there that would feel the same. Perhaps this is a biased audience to ask this question to but i still wonder.

    I'm not really into guys though. I mean, maybe I would be if I started transitioning but I cant really think of guys like that so I don't think I'd be able to date a man.
     
    #3 phoenix42, Nov 28, 2011
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  4. 11 11 11

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    Yeah I'm not really into guys either.....

    Except for certain times.....when I'm alone.....and....*cough*

    Anyway. I'm mostly attracted to girls. As a girl. My sexuality is weird I've never imagined myself as a guy, always a girl. And it crosses into my romantic thoughts as well...

    Enough about me.


    All I want to say is that yes - EC is a biased audience. But thankfully I can also provide the perspective of an Exclusive Sydney Private Boy's-School (I won't name names, seeing as they still have my credit-card details). Seeing as I graduated from there a couple of weeks back. :grin:

    All I can say is....you'd be surprised.

    Really....

    Amoung my close friends there are probably....5 guys. Who would have no problems with dating a t-girl. None whatsoever. And that's only in my circle of friends......I can't really speak for the other 200. But I'm sure there are more in there too...
     
  5. phoenix42

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    one concern I have with dating another transgendered person or a guy is that I REALLY want kids and I want to have my own. I know this is very difficult, but I know there are ways to go about having it done if you freeze your "seed" before hormones and wait for the right natural female.

    If it came down to it, I think I wouldnt have a problem with adoption but I would much rather he or she be a piece of me (though, with my genetics that's probably not a good thing *nervous forced laugh as I ponder my child's future*)
     
  6. DhammaGamer

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    Typically, for mtf transsexuals, hormone therapy weakens the masculine libido and helps to stimulate female libidinous response. This usually means an increased attraction to men and arousal at the thought of being "treated like a woman" in bed. Not always the case though, as there are lots lesbian mtfs out there.

    Personally, I don't like to dwell on things like this. If I had to worry about a relationship ON TOP of everything else I have to worry about, I'd lose my freaking mind. Plus, there are a lot of people out there who are really into dating transwomen, like a whole community of men and women. Of course you always end up with a few fetishists, but there are other genuine people who are able to just see you for the woman you are.

    You shouldn't be too concerned about things like this. Being in a relationship is an important part of leading a fulfilling life for many people, but there is a lot more to life and to being a woman than finding that "special someone." If today's divorce statistics mean anything, its that true love is a lot rarer, even for straight cis-gender people, than most believe it to be. I'd rather be a single woman than a single man.

    I have to admit, though, that I cannot wait to have sex with a man once I'm a full woman. Having a lasting, loving, and committed relationship with a good man would be a dream come true. I don't need it to be happy though.
     
  7. phoenix42

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    "Typically, for mtf transsexuals, hormone therapy weakens the masculine libido and helps to stimulate female libidinous response. This usually means an increased attraction to men and arousal at the thought of being "treated like a woman" in bed. Not always the case though, as there are lots lesbian mtfs out there."

    Good to know, thank you.

    As far as dwelling on things... well I am the kind of person that can't do something unless I have a completely laid out plan as to what I'm doing and what could happen. Hell, I went to college with a specific plan, 3 possible deviations and 3 deviations for each of them and 2 after that. I'm a very planned out person and ALWAYS am looking to the future.

    true love being rarer is a sad realization dominant in today's society. It's slightly depressing to know that over half of all marriages end in divorce (and that's among "normal" couples. Hard enough to find love when everything is traditional, can't imagine the difficulties it must present when trans) and now I'm sad :frowning2:
     
  8. DhammaGamer

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    aww, honey don't get down

    Transwoman find love too, you don't have to feel like it's impossible. Like I said, there are a whole bunch of people who are actually specifically attracted to transwomen. There are dating sites commited specifically to people who want to date trans people. You don't have to feel like there is no hope.

    At the support group I went to last night, one of the transwomen came with her gg girlfriend. I'm new to the group, but apparantly they come together every month. Anyone can find love, you just have to be patient.

    What's most important is that you have love for yourself. This will lead to confidence and an aire of self-worth. Men and woman are both attracted to a confident and self-reliant person. Be strong, and have faith.
     
  9. phoenix42

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    Thank you Dhamma. You have helped a lotwhile I've been wrestling with all the thoughts and feelings I've been having. Self confidence is something I've always had to work on and has always been low for me but I feel like a lot of that is simply because I don't feel right in my body so it's hard to find much to be confident about.

    All in all, I think my question has been answered. There is hope! and that is something that I really needed to hear before really bringing up transitioning when I meet with my counselor this week (main goal is to be able to talk with my parents so I can get into gender therapy and eventually undergo HRT if all goes well!)

    Thanks dhamma and 11 11 11 for helping me through this!!!
     
  10. txnathrt

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    I'm not sure how helpful this is to you but I have trans friends and would have no problem loving someone who was in the process of trandition or had. It may be a biased audience, but we are caring and truthful :slight_smile:
     
  11. phoenix42

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    Between this and everything Dhamma and 11 11 11 has said today you all have made me smile. I'm actually happy for once when thinking about the future!!! thank you :grin: (!)
     
  12. Katelynn

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    Im actually in an online relationship with a MTF girl in the UK. We fell for each other instantly & chat whenever we can. We both see each other as female & love each other as such, so it is possible to find love, even when starting your transition. My online gf & I both agreed that since we both live so far away, we wouldnt stop living our lives for each other, especially if we meet someone where we live, but we've started making plans about her coming to visit me in Canada this summer, which we are both extremely super excited for. Being trans in a relationship is, in some respects, just like any relationship. The person you want to be with should also want to be with you for who you are, not what you are. Im a lesbian, but if a guy asked me out & liked me for the person I am, & didnt want to be with me just because Im a 'tranny', then I might consider it. Im finding that since I came out that Im becoming a bit bicurious about guys, so I havent ruled it out completely. But I do know Im gay. A couple of dates with any guy isnt likely to change that either. While the mechanics of sex may get tricky in a relationship, sex isnt the only thing about a relationship, so just focus on the emotions you have for someone & that they have for you & you can both sort out the physical stuff later on down the road...
     
  13. 11 11 11

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    Sorry I couldn't be here to offer more advice Pheonix :frowning2:

    Bloody farm.


    Oh and lucky lucky kierstein - but as Dhamma said - I couldn't handle a relationship right now. Plus it woulnd't be fair to the girl.... .-.
     
  14. 11 11 11

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    And like Keirsten I'm following the model of "if someone loves me and I love them - that's enough" rather than worrying about specific sexualities.
     
    #14 11 11 11, Nov 29, 2011
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  15. phoenix42

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    Yeah, I guess I probably couldn't handle a relationship right now... I don't know... like I said, I'm a very romantic person and the thought of living a life without love was almost as bad a future (though not quite) as the thought of myself as a man in the future. The latter I've been struggling to envision since 8th grade (I just couldn't picture myself as anything really) but I always thought that was me doubting what I wanted to do, turns out, it was more me doubting WHO i wanted to be. Now I have this image of myself in the future... if it turns out like that the future will be a beautiful place :slight_smile:

    Thank you everyone for your help!!!!
     
  16. Hot Pink

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    I'm in the same boat as you, Phoenix. I'm genuinely concerned that I'm going to spend my life alone because I'm trans. I'm also a lesbian as well. My personal experience with lesbians IRL is that they're accepting as me as a friend, but not much more. Maybe I still look too much like a guy?
     
  17. 11 11 11

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    Hot Pink - I think I'll probably be in the same position as you V.V
     
  18. Eli

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    I can't offer much advice but personal experience... my relationship options definitely increased when I came out as ftm. So have hope! Long-term relationships are definitely possible as a transgender person. You might even find yourself more comfortable, as it's hard to be comfortable in a relationship when you're uncomfortable with your own body.
     
  19. phoenix42

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    worst part about the relationship I was in about a year ago was how awkward having sex was. I mean, she was my first (and only) so naturally I thought it felt good. but it was unnatural to me in some way. now I think I understand why thanks to a lot of the stories and support here at EC.

    I'm very happy to see I'm not the only one concerned with this, and even more happy to see that the opposite of what I fear is true in Eli's case :slight_smile:

    One other question about transitioning though: how hard is it to find and hold a job while transitioning even in the begining? I need a summer job and I also wanted to know about careers (im a psychology major that is considering the FBI due to interest and law enforcement background in my family, and counseling due to my interest in the subject)

    Anyone know how difficult transitioning will make it to find and hold a job? (kind of need money to finance the transition and also to pay for my phone and insurance :/ )
     
  20. Veronica

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    This is certainly the case for me. I've dated some very cool girls, but if I get to the sex part, it isn't really something I enjoy. It doesn't feel right. It is another one of those things that make me wonder if not transitioning is the right thing to do. I simply can't fake a heterosexual male/female relationship.