I do not have much time so forgive me if this is short and not as detailed as it needs to be. Am i really transgender, or am i just reacting to suppressing what my brother did? Again, find it in my posts i posted about brother i have not the time today. but its breaking me apart not knowing. I can't just safely socially transition either to see! I can't cuz i live at home and cuz i live in a religious conservative area. But ever since i watched a youtuber's video talking about people who detransitioned and found a page talking about a man who transitioned then detransitioned who was abused as a child (it had a very religious conseervative lean to it, but the same points as the youtuber. I question myself now. And it hurts. Cause i ahve said before in my post earlier this week that i am very very good at fooling myself and suppressing. Am i really trans or not. Could i just be a masculine woman. But then why did wearing the binder for the first time feel so amazing. And why did packing for the first time - without a real packer, diy - feel so right? But i am extra good at suppression and convincing myself of stuff to escape dealing with it or confronting it. Please help. I have to work this weekend so i have not the time to find you the post about what brother did but i am sure i posted about it. I will check back on meal breaks for replies. Please help please its killing me. Have i been lying to myself this whole time or what? When i confided in friends about it a week or few ago my dysphoria jumped skyrocketed until i had sufficiently dealt with it. I have to get things done now. Please take the time to help me. I am sorry this is so long.
Only you can know, unfortunately And only time can show. I think this is annimportant step to recognise that you can be influenced by this experience for you to decide what is right for you. Whatever you decide later on, it's important to come to terms with this experience. And you're doing fine at this. You're facing it, as unpleasant as it is. The second thing is that the line between being androgynous (e.g. A masculine woman) and tans is very blurred and subjective, up to how you feel about things like who you are or what gender expression you want to have or what sort of body you want to have.
You know yourself best, and only you can make that decision. The first time I put on a binder and wore a packer, it also felt amazing. Not to make you more confused, but there are MoC people who do bind and pack as well, whether it be for sex-having purposes or everyday use. I do have to agree with emerry though, you could be androgynous, or how I like to put it, in an in-between state between male and female. If you can't socially transition for various reasons, could you potentially see a gender therapist? They might be able to sort out some of these thoughts for you.
Thanks for your help and advice guys. I'm gonna try to force myself to be cis and straight for a bit. Learn to be a girl. Makeup and dresses and all. Surely this is all an effect from a tyrant mother, distant father, and bully of a brother who wanted to manipulate me into having sex with him just so he could get off. Not gonna talk about that, go look for the post if you forgot details. I've done nothing but suffer sine i 'found myself' so perhaps it was all a mistake. I was happiest when i had no idea mom was even wrong in how she raised me much less knew i liked girls and might not be cisgender. I've never liked wearing dresses it feels uncomfortable and makeup seems complicated so they never caught on with me...but maybe if i go the extreme it'll stick and i'll be confident and happy as a girl and won't have to hurt. And maybe i'll discover that's who i was all a long, that the trans thing is just trauma not real for me....it took too much thinking and self-evaluation to come to that conclusion. granted it did for liking girls too...idk. this is whee i've been at the past few days. i've distanced myself from everyone even my online friends. Gotta be a real girl. Gotta be perfect or i'm not worth anything, that's how its always been.
Maybe it's not a good idea to go extreme... maybe try to be a normal girl first, not hyperfeminine. I also think it's not a good idea to force yourself, it has to come from the inside. You'll only add on a new layer of trauma by dating a dude you're not into if it was trauma to begin with. Even if you're straight, it doesn't mean you're into every dude, or even conventionally attractive dudes. Similarily, even if you're a girl, you don't have to be a conventionally feminine girl right away. I still think you're not gender conforming if you are cis, and you shouldn't force yourself to do what you don't like. If you are a tomboy and never liked feminine clothing, then don't wear it, because nothing good will come out of it, you will only feel fake and uncomfortable.
I still think you are gender non-conforming, because I remember when you described your personality, you weren't exactly what is called girly. I think you shouldn't press that. Of course, it doesn't mean you're a man either. There are plenty of tomboys in this world , and of women who don't fit into either gender stereotype.
Thanks Michael. I like girls not guys but its easier to force myself not to and conform to a straight lifestyle than it is to be this. I've been trying to use pain to discourage so much as thinking a girl in a photo or out and about is hot. Nothing good will come of that. I'm just so confused. I don't know who i am or what i am. I thought i was trans till i heard that arguement in two different places and thought, well i can't be so sure now can i. and i feel bad because all my friends online have accepted me as a guy. but i'm starting to think its not so clear cut. and now i feel like i've deceived both them and myself and i can't face them. i've only been talking to my best online friend (all my friends are online). but i haven't told her what's going on cause idk want any of them to be mad. I just hope that maybe by going hyperfeminine and spending my 3rd quarter bonus money from my paycheck on this, maybe i'll feel happy and confident as a girl. And i'll be able to go with the motions if a guy decides he likes me. Not that that'll ever happen, i don't want it, but if it does it would be to my advantage. it would look normal.
You don't have to go to the extreme to "be a girl". Like emerry says, there are plenty of girls who are tomboys, who don't like dresses or makeup, and besides, that's all expression anyways, not gender. When did you first think that 'you might be male'? When I was exploring whether or not I was male or not, I had strangers call me male pronouns probably 90% of the time, and while that felt nice, it felt even better when someone would refer to me as "she" because they saw through the masculine expression and didn't assume that I was a guy because of it. Though I tried to deny how I felt for a few years, until I started looking into how masculine (butch) women felt and exploring that side. The one quote that really stuck with me was this one: "I had already spent years feeling like I was perched with one foot on a trans-shaped rowboat and the other foot resting on a butch dock, balancing myself and my language and words and work in the space between them". - Ivan Coyote To be fair, that quote didn't hit me until later, but now I really understand where they're coming from. You can be in an in-between state between the two genders or you could be a masculine woman or a feminine man. I wish you the best of luck Theo, and I hope all goes well for you.
Thanks. I'm just scared that there's a lot of being-female-based inferiority and fear in there. And now i don't want to even assume that i know what i think because what if that's wrong or not totally right, too. Whatever i am, there's masculine features as well as feminine.
And what's wrong with being gay? It's fine if you're gay. From experience, no, it's not like that with guys. Not at all. Heterosexual girls and gay men actively crush on guys they like. What kind of inferiority? Women are inforior to men ony at having a penis and a pair of balls. I know this all too well. :/
