Trans MtF / FtM self-esteem issues and how can we help?

I used to HATE how I looked . I'm very very skrony and pale and always thought I looked more female than male. This has had decidedly less affect recently XD.

---------- Post added 7th Jun 2014 at 04:19 PM ----------

Oh but yeah that's not really tran self esteem that's cis self esteem sorry :/. Didn't read title clearly

 

Smile! I find I look way better (and feel) wearing a smile, yea its cliche but I find it helps

 

Wow, quick-on-the-draw sis.

So yeah, been thinking for a couple of days about starting this thread, maybe for obvious reasons. But going to expound on it anyway. My apologies if this OP is heavily MtF focused, but it is obviously the only reality that I am personally very familiar with. I'm sure any number of our articulate FtM posters can relate their side of the issue.

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So, one disturbingly glaring aspect of personality that it seems most trans persons (particularly MtF, although I may be biased) share in common is a horribly low self-esteem. Since it's a round hole world and we are considered the square pegs, we often start out at an early age thinking that there is something really wrong with us. I'm about as bad an offender of this thinking as anyone. Since as far back as I discovered my gender "oddities" in my late tweens, I've been harboring immense guilt and shame for not conforming to this rigid, binary construct of the gender divisions that had been pounded into me since birth. If you have a penis, you are male, and therefore must act masculine (hurr durr). If you have a vagina, you are female, and therefore must act feminine (tee hee *giggles*). :bang: However, no matter how invincible this paradigm was introduced as being, I always knew that I was different and seemed powerless to change that difference.

Now that I am older, wider, more knowledgeable and informed (not to mention simply worn down by 20+ years of denying the plain facts), I have accepted that I am indeed female, male body notwithstanding, and therefore transgender. However, as intellectually resolved as I finally am on this matter, I still have decades of residual guilt and shame to work through before I can salvage my self-esteem as a woman.

My story is unique to me in certain details, but also, as I have discovered, very much in line with that of other trans folk. We have spent our whole lives agreeing with the cis majority, that any divergence from the gender binary was wrong, sick, perverted, mere attention-getting, or whatever--and not a positive reaction among them. So how is it that we could have adopted positive feelings about our identities? For example, in another thread, Gates elaborated the dichotomy between how we transwomen are conditioned to accept compliments on our appearance, with the caveat that we are merely beautiful or pretty as a transwoman, rather than as a woman. This is an important distinction, as it illustrates the tentativeness with which we are ready to accept ourselves as more than second-class citizens. Self-harm is also an extremely rife thing in the trans community--not just suicide rates, which are through the roof compared to cis society, but also a tendency for alcoholism, drug abuse, eating disorders, willing prostitution, cutting, etc..

So then, the question becomes, what to do about this deeply-mired self-esteem we suffer from? What can we do to instill in the trans person that they are every bit as valid and valued as any other human, cis-het ostracization be damned? Recent times have shown some breakthroughs in the mainstream for a level of transgender acceptance, such as in this article in Time magazine this week. However, my concern there is that they may be using a worrisome characteristic--sexuality--to push acceptance, whereas this might turn into the same kind of "acceptance" that lesbian women experience in the mainstream: visibility only through sexuality. :rolle: Too, I wonder if it doesn't push too much pressure on me and my sisters to look as cis-conventionally beautiful as women like Laverne Cox? What about acceptance of our rights as human beings (such as that to use the toilet), or exposure of the domestic issues we face where the courts are often unfair?

At any rate, it's all well and good even if we make some headway politically and societally through education and sensitivity-conditioning. But will that address our self-esteem issues as individuals? I honestly have my doubts. More likely, therapy and reassurance and camaraderie on a private level will work better toward helping us to feel every bit as human as Mr. and Mrs. America. On that note, I call for a stronger dedication in the psychological field toward trans issues, including an increase in the number and scope of gender specialists, as well as a way to make them more affordable. (A huge amount of trans folk persist below the poverty line.) Too, I also emphasize the importance of schools and places of business to devote more interest and funding toward the nurturing and harboring of trans persons, where they can feel safe and protected and validated in an otherwise tenuous cis-het environment.

For our part, I think our best weapon is definitely community. The more we can come together, maybe allow for some other differences we may have and accept each other and let our voices be heard, we grow significantly in force. Let us all, therefore, not be afraid to air our thoughts and grievances and concerns to each other and to offer all the support we possibly can that we may become the people we deserve to be. Please unbutton your feelings here, you are in good, supportive hands! (*hug*)

 

Before accepting who I was I was a heavy abuser of alcohol & marijuana since 16. I really didn't give 2 shyts about what happened to me physically. Alcoholism runs in the family... But since accepting who I was, I don't touch the stuff. Am I tempted? Hell yes. But I always think "what would getting shytfaced solve". I put the bottle down almost cold turkey. This point last year, I would do 4 beers and a 700 ml bottle of vodka nearly nightly.
Do I have suicidal thoughts? Hell yes, but not as bad as I used to. Its all controllable now. I just continue to think... "this time next year it will all be perfect

 

That's awesome. Claudette. :eusa_clap I have tremendous admiration for anyone who is able to overcome an addiction, coming from a family where it seems to run fairly rampant. Alcohol is a ubiquitous painkiller of choice, I should know personally. (I really overdid it last night. >.<)

It's great to see how you have replaced the addiction with a positive mantra. My gender therapist said something along the lines of how negative thoughts breed more negativity. I have a bad habit of articulating (out loud, even) negative thoughts about myself and the very act of giving voice to and hearing them imprints a negative image on my brain. I suppose this is one "mechanism" I have been guilty of constructing for myself. I need to instead replace them, as my therapist said, with positive thoughts. Need to create a new cycle of positivity, one which will, hopefully, offset/usurp the negative one.

"You are loved. You are cherished. You are valued."

 

Since I realized I was female I have been really hating my voice and shoulders.
Even though my voice is pretty androgynous and my shoulders not too bulky it is still not feminine enough for me. :/

 

I know what you mean, I hate my shoulders. Voice can be worked on though, so can't hate that too much, since I haven't started working on it.

 

For what it's worth, I like your shoulders.

 

You want them?

 

Only if the rest of you is attached.

I'm a guy, remember? Keep them tiny shoulders to yourself.

 

Not so tiny, and keep them!

 

I was absolutely crippled by self esteem issues for almost all of my teens and twenties with gender identity playing a huge role. It's really no surprise I had no love life to speak of when for a solid ten years anytime a woman showed any interest in me at all I took it as a sure sign that there was something very, very wrong with her and pushed her away any way I could - often callously. Of all the things in my life of which I am most ashamed , the majority are directly related to the way I treated women because I could not like (let alone love) myself.

Even with the benefit of hindsight, I still can't figure out exactly what changed or why, but it did change. Even if I still didn't understand myself (I still don't) I did come to accept myself enough that by the time I fell in love with my wife I was able to tell her what I knew about myself at the time and make it clear that I would not and could not change and that if she wanted a life with me this was part of the deal. I still thought of my gender identity as a sort of cross to bear - it was part of me for better or worse and since it didn't really hurt anyone else, any partner of mine was just going to have to live with it. Hardly a healthy attitude, but definitely a vast improvement.

Over the last dozen years still more has changed: I have progressed to the point where I actually like myself, and where I consider my gender identity, as frustrating as it is, not only an integral part of who I am, but a genuine positive. I truly believe it is something that makes me a better person than I would be if I were strictly the cis-male portions of me. If someone offered to wave a magic wand and make me cis right now, I would not only flatly refuse, but would actually be offended by the offer.

The reason I write all of this is because I have lived with all of this for a long time and I want you all (especially you young'uns) to know that this shit can take time - around 25 years for me personally, but that you can overcome these self esteem issues. It's totally cliche, I know, but it does get better. I feel really strongly that this needs to be said in case it offers even a sliver of hope to those currently suffering.

I have so very much more work to do - simply understanding myself better, figuring out acceptable ways to live a life more true to myself, navigating the reactions and attitudes of my family, friends, and the rest of the world towards me and others like me, helping other people in similar circumstances avoid even a fraction of the mistakes I have made - but I at least feel like self esteem issues are not standing in my way any longer.

Much love to you all - I hope this brings at least a little hope, help, or comfort to at least one of you out there.

 

OK. But I'll keep them as a package please. :icon_bigg

My shoulders are broader than yours btw... I actually like my shoulders so

 

Can we please stay focused on helping those with self-esteem issues? :icon_sad:

---------- Post added 7th Jun 2014 at 11:43 PM ----------

Absolutely excellent account, Stacy. I was hoping that this thread would receive positive-affirming responses of this nature. :eusa_clap (Of course, the despairing and reaching out type is perfectly welcome, too, since that is all-too-often my own forte.) I've been dealing with my gender-identity issues for almost as long as you have; sadly, I think I am far, far behind in developing some peace of mind about it. I really think at this point the negativity is more force of habit and automatic since I have been doing it for so long. Perhaps if I hadn't beaten myself up for it on a daily basis for so many years, the mechanism wouldn't have taken on such an irresistible life of its own.

Of course, too, it helps that you have had a supportive (or at least, tolerant) spouse through all this. She sounds like she's made of some pretty robust stuff. I never even attempted to get my ex-wife on board, knowing her reaction in advance. However, I have determined for myself that all future relationships I engage in are going to include ME and everything that that entails, rather than attempting to exploit it as some kind of "cure". Who you are is the last thing for which one should ever feel like they must seek a cure.

 

I was always kind of a 'loner' throughout my 16 years of life.

In kindergarten, I remember always doing painting alone and playing in the sandbox alone. No one ever wanted to sit with me or do anything with me.
In grade one, I would still sit alone, but I would read in the library, which was nice except the teachers didn't like us inside, so we'd be sent out. I would just find a corner to sit in until lunch was over.

In grade two, I moved schools. It didn't bother me because I knew it wouldn't change. I had one girl that I knew, but she decided to be awful to me so I punched her in the face (oops) No one would talk to me that year.

In grade three I made a friend. She was nice enough, but sometimes she would exclude me to hang out with her other friends. I was also made fun of for hold this one girls markers too tight. (What the heck?) I still remember the project we were doing and where we were sitting. Half way through the year I changed schools.

Grade 3 1/2 to grade five, I was still excluded, but now I was the joke. I liked to be in baggy clothing and didn't like to do my hair, so that didn't help. Teachers even singled me out in class. That was sort of traumatizing.

Middle school, still made fun of and excluded, but I met my best friends. They still are to this day. Though, I feel like I don't even deserve their friendship. I never feel like I'm good enough for anybody. Friendships or relationships. It's been ingrained in my head. Plus now being transgender, with my scraggly arms and height problems.

I was even hesitant to post in this thread because you all have such a tight nit community, I feel like I'm barging in.

I wouldn't mind ending up alone or anything, I'm starting to become numb to it. But that's where my self esteem issues lay. :/

 

I really wish that there were actual distinct actions that I took to change things, things that I could suggest to others, but honestly I think it came down to time more than anything else. I just needed time to come to grips with myself and accept things. I have had very few people to talk to about this, never saw a therapist, and was never part of a community, let alone a community as wonderful as this one. These are tremendous resources that I couldn't or didn't take advantage of that I hope others can. I feel like if I did, it wouldn't have taken me so damn long to get to where I am. I have every confidence that you will get where you are going to - just in the short time that I have know you, I have seen you accomplish so much you should be proud of. You really are a wonderful and remarkable woman (take that compliment damn it )

Absolutely true, though tolerant is closer to the mark than supportive. At the start I laid what I believed I was on the line and let her know what I needed, and she in return let me know what she could accept/provide in turn. When I recently came out to her as gender fluid, I had hoped that perhaps over time her attitudes had changed but they hadn't really. She did however give me this for which I am immensely grateful: she told me that if I felt I had to come out to a large number of people, that it would be very very difficult for her, but that she would of course support me. I'm going to do everything I can to avoid taking her up on this, and honestly I don't know that our marriage would survive if I did, but it's a great comfort to know she said it and I believe meant it.

It's certainly not easy, but I am incredibly lucky - blessed really, and hopefully I fully appreciate my good fortune. Life is full of hard decisions and compromises - but she is my best friend, the person I love more than any other, and in virtually every other way makes my life immeasurably better - I owe it to her to do my very best to figure out how to live the kind of life I need to in ways that affect her as little as possible. I hope with all my heart I can figure it out, and am confident that I can, but am aware that it may not be possible. That thought haunts me.

 

Shit I'll pay for the room you two...

I think a lot of my problem I've had growing up, gender aside was self esteem. My professors in college told me this for a long time. My parents did. I never listened until one day I figured out:

"I'm awesome".

Rather than going into self aggrandizement I recognize how awesome I am and everything I've accomplished speaks for that. I have a lot of self esteem and confidence now. I mean I have to to stand in front of kids and be scrutinized all day.

 

My self esteem has always been pretty bad. Gender is a big part of that it's hard to feel confident in myself because I'm so ashamed of my body and it just feels so wrong. And I'm ashamed of being trans too so I'm stuck. Also I'm REALLY shy and I have bad social anxiety which pretty much ruins my self esteem. I already doubt a lot that people like me or want to be around me thanks to anxiety, and being trans makes it worse. Other people just see me as weird partially because I'm so quiet and shy but also cause I don't seem male I just seem like a gross girl- I don't shave and I wear baggy clothes and have short hair. And I've pretty much given up on ever having a relationship cause I feel like nobody is going to want to be with a trans guy :icon_sad: