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trans male top struggling with attraction to men

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by CorporateGames, May 21, 2021.

  1. CorporateGames

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    TLDR; Trans male top wondering wether my ideas about sex and relationships with men are fictional/impossible/ridiculous.

    Hi.
    I am a trans guy in my late twenties who intends to fully physically transition and prior to social transition I mostly fell for women.

    However, since I started living as a man I only notice other men. When looking back at my childhood, it makes sense. I always felt like a gay man inside, I just shoved it under a rug and my sexuality was kind of dormant until recently.

    I already know the logistics and own the equipment (penile prosthetics) to sexually engage with men, and a strong desire to date men, but I am honestly really apprehensive.

    There are so many questions whirring in my mind and I'd just like to speak to other gay men about it - but It's always felt wrong to randomly approach someone to ask questions.

    Part of me thinks I just want to dominate guys because of how much I felt silenced by them and its some form of empowering fantasy, but I know there is more to my feelings than that.

    I actually prefer gentler guys, the kind of secure older effeminate men that are confident in themselves and love openly, touchy feely men who aren't afraid to express themselves. I guess power bottom comes to mind, sexually.

    But ...do such men exist? And will I find a gay/ bi guy who will see me as an equal? Or do I have extremely unrealistic standards and expectations that are complete works of fiction?

    Because, admittedly...I don't know men very well- for most of my life I was surrounded with really bad examples, from latent homosexual psychotic guys to religious converts who married and had children to escape the homosexual world, and yet I am very physically and mentally attracted to these ideas I have - perhaps just ideas of men.

    I am writing here in the hopes people may set me straight or at least talk to me about it - I've been in my own head about it way too long.
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    Welcome to EC.

    There are over 7 1/2 billion people on the planet, surely at least one exists. A more practical question of course would be "will I actually find someone who I can connect to the way I want to?". I am not sure exactly how easy that it will be. One thing that is certain, if you do not at least put yourself out there you will definitely not find someone.

    Different people will give you different answers on this. I myself have found it difficult to even find someone who really accepts that I am a woman once they learn of my birth assignment. Even though I did find it difficult I think that I have found someone which seems to me to indicate that it might be possible for others to do so also. (though yours is in the opposite direction).
     
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  3. CorporateGames

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    You are right, there is indeed only one way to find out...the issue is that due to my prior feelings I am currently in a relationship with a NB woman who I love but managed to lose all attraction for in the process. I feel terrible and I am struggling to come to terms with wanting something different.

    It's good different people will give different responses, as I am looking to broaden my horizons.

    I understand where you are coming from with acceptance, sadly transphobia is still really widespread and commonplace. I am happy you found someone - from my experience, environment can be a big factor in likelyhood, but I know next to nothing about gay male spaces other than from an outside point of view.
     
  4. Mihael

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    If you live as male, it doesn't hurt to try to get involved. There plenty of gay trans men. Sure, you come across gay guys who are into penises and the such, but some gay men are attracted to trans men.
     
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  5. CorporateGames

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    Apologies for the length, in advance.

    Yes, though gay male spaces (both cis and trans) feel very difficult to relate to - at least online. Hoping it will be different IRL, away from hookup and gay bro culture.

    Presumably, I'd be looking for gay men who see me as a man too, not a just "trans"man they are attracted to - we get fetishised a lot as I'm sure you know and often for all the wrong things. Some trans guys enjoy it, but I don't. I feel the reasons some people list to like us doesn't represent me and even belittles my journey to transition and my dysphoria. Sentences such as "trans guys are great, bonus hole!". What person who understands transition and dysphoria thinks like this? This is extremely triggering to read, I immediately get a very sinking feeling in my stomach. Some trans guys, on the other hand, do not have genital dysphoria and want men to like their " original plumbing", so I get that. I'm just not one of them. Acceptance sure, but liking me for it woul be an issue.

    I refer to my own genitalia and my prosthetics as penis and am looking to get phalloplasty as well (this is very important to me, also - I guess I identify as transsexual for this reason - not just transgender) - but, you presumably mean there are men that only like cisgendered men and are cis penis centric in their attraction.

    That is sadly something I have a lot of mixed feelings about. As a gay man, I sort of understand it - but I don't really support it. It's simply excluding way too many imperfect men, men with ED, men who were in accidents, trans men. After speaking to one gay man in particular who explained to me the masc 4 masc thing I find it a little easier to stomach "never having a chance" with those men.

    I guess I had this unhealthy idea that I'd be dependent on this demographic to feel empowered as a guy, and I was wrong.

    Thanks for your reply and encouragement.
     
  6. Mihael

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    Sounds like "bro culture" that you mentioned to me. Sex jokes and stuff.

    Yeah.

    It can feel very invalidating to be told that someone is not attracted because you don't have some trait. But this is how it is, some people will be attracted to you, some won't, for whatever reasons, really. Not only the genitalia. It doesn't mean you shouldn't try. But tbh I'm also thinking how to avoid these guys who are into cis penises etc. and soare mtself the unpleasant situations.

    Then you can give a try to offline. Hm. I wouldn't say I can't relate to gay guys online, but nobody really catches my eye, lots of guys who are either dumb or socially awkward to a dramatic degree.
     
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  7. Robyn mac

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    I believe communication is key for you. Gay men think bonus hole I don't think so . You have to stress your a top only looking for a bottom . As for me I am atrracted to people. You have to have a good personality. I don't care about labels. I have dated many people but never a transman. I am not opposed to it , just have'nt meet one yet. Plenty of transwomen. I believe most people who are under going change have a dsyphoria of using their natural organs for pleasure. I would'nt be thinking of of it a bonus because you and I have no intrest in it. .
     
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