Hey, first time posting here, hoping I could get some advice. I have never really questioned my gender before, a couple times I sort of "checked in" with myself and quickly came up with "yup, I'm a dude" and moved on. But lately I had been thinking about how I dress. I've always been someone who just wears what is available and comfortable, but I've been feeling like expressing myself through what I wear a little more. This of course meant figuring out how exactly I wanted to do that. After a month or so of thinking on this I decided what I was going for was "more feminine, but not in a way that makes me stand out". For a while I was actually considering the femboy aesthetic, but it didn't feel right. The conclusion I got to on why that was was that I would stand out if I dressed like that, and I'm far to introverted for that. That's where I was, I just didn't know what that meant. A couple days passed with me having this new knowledge about my style, it felt like progress. I had strived to look "gayer" (I wasn't exactly sure how that would look)and It felt like I had a bit more of a descriptive term to go off of. Then something happened. I was watching youtube and I came across and AMV (which was an odd thing to be in my recommendations, as I don't usually watch anything similar). The thumbnail caught my eye. It was a drawing of a blonde girl wearing a baggy sweater. I didn't think too much of it, but the little I did think hit me hard. My brain always has about 100 thoughts zooming by, some reasonable, some odd. But this one didn't just fly by, It hit me head-on. "that might be what I want to be, a girl". Woah. It was weird, I had considered being trans before but, it was always a short-lived thought, like it was blocked by some sort of defense. But this one slipped through the cracks and hit my right in heart. I felt a weird tingly feeling throughout my entire body, and I can't stop thinking about that moment. I mean, in hindsight, that would make sense, being more feminine, but not out of place. Femboys feeling like I'm getting closer but not quite there. But I've never had anything like this come up before. I never had any of the signs pop up that I see online (I did tons of research after that thought went through my head, and that's how I ended up here). I never wanted to wear a dress or play with dolls, but I never wanted to do sports either. I've never felt weird being called "sir" or people calling me a boy, but the very few times I was called a girl weren't so bad either. I just, don't know. I'm really not sure if I'm trans or not. I don't really fit too much with many stories I've read here or on other places, but maybe I'm just different? I really don't know, I just need advice. I'm feeling very lost and confused right now.
This was my experience too, when I first discovered being trans. It's this lightbulb moment. Was it a happy feeling for you? Kinda like fog getting lifted? Also there are so many ways to express your gender and it's okay to do it on a way, that makes you the happiest. Clothing and items have no gender. They just help bring out who you are. You're young, so experiment. There is no rush. Maybe something like nonbinary fits more and they/them pronouns or being gender neutral. It's all okay. It's all about experimenting, expressing yourself the way that makes you feel confident and happy.
I don't know. Less like fog getting lifted and more like a wall being broken down. The feeling felt like it hit me. The feeling itself is hard to describe, but right after it it immediately turned to a mix of fear, confusion and curiosity. It's been on my mind 24/7 since it happened. It's scary. When I was thinking I might be bisexual, it came from a feeling that the people I like are a little different than what is "normal". I had that feeling as long as I can remember having a conscious train of thought. But this came out of nowhere, I've never felt different about my gender, in fact I don't think I've felt uncomfortable about any part of me before that thought went through my head. I don't know if I'm in denial, because it sure would be easier for me if I'm not Trans, but surely I would have had some hint beforehand, right? Maybe I'm just focusing too much on a thought that went through my head, maybe it meant nothing. But I've been searching for a explanation for the past three days and nothing really feels right.
This can be different for everyone. And it turned into a complete fear to me as well. It was awful, so I get what you mean. Not always, some discover it way later in life and there were no hints beforehand. I only started really seeing hints, when I actually started looking back to my childhood and became aware that I had thoughts that I was different already in kindergarten, but I could just never express it well and was scared to be different than others.
At this point, I've stopped even trying to understand, I just want it to stop. This had the worst timing, right before a cruise vacation. I'm trying my best to relax but I can't get this out of my mind. I'm trying to push it down at the moment, whatever wall I had before I'm putting it back up. My family has definitely noticed something going on. I know they're not suspecting I'm Trans at all but, they've noticed my anxiety has amplified. The worst part is that I seem like I'm being unreasonable. I had a panic attack over a haircut the other day and my parents got mad, I mean, it did seem like I was being dramatic. I've so far refused to go swimming because "I don't like public pools" (I've never had an issue with them in the past). The real reason is that, well, swimsuits are gendered. I just got in a big fight with my sister and I'm in the room writing this now. The worst part is: she's right to be mad at me. We were hanging out and I didn't want to do any of the things she wanted to do. It was completely unreasonable of me from her perspective. I really just wanna forget that I ever had that thought, Ignorance is bliss, after all. I just want this off my mind. It's happening too fast and at a terrible time. I just need to not focus on the gender stuff. I shouldn't be on here if that's what I'm trying to do. And honestly I don't know why I am here. I got back in the room after that fight with my sister, logged on, and started writing. I guess I just need to vent, just so I can get it out of my system I guess. I'll figure out all this later, when I have the time and setting to do so. But I just don't know how to get it off my mind.
MaybeMattie.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBT folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. I'm sorry that you have all of this going through your mind! It's a lot to have suddenly to think about, especially when you want to think about and do other things! Try to give yourself a break! When you think you are ready to check things out a little more you may want to look at the forum that is titled "Gender Identity and Expression”, there are people there who may have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. I'm sure that you have watched trans youtubers...but just in case, here are some favorites of mine that you might like: MtF: Victoria Rose, Riley J. Dennis, Renna Williams, Robin jaspers, Gigi Gorgeous. @Rayland is good person to talk to here on Empty Closets. He will understand a lot of what you are feeling. Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and We Do Care! Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
I know it's hard, very hard. Vent here as much as you need to and talking to others who understand really helps. My PM's are always open too.
Forgive me for this, but this is a really, really, really exciting moment. You're starting to think about all the things that truly make you, you. And the scary, frustrating, and really neat part about this particular moment is that it's different for everyone. No playbook at all. Tons of people never get to this stage, or skip past it, or whatever. Most people really are just scared to get to this. But here you are, and it's unique. The wall's not coming back up, so you're moving beyond it. Okay. Figure out what's working and what isn't. It can be big things, it can be even the tiniest, most subtle things. But they'll always leave a real impact with that same feeling of "oh!" It's a feeling you'll get used to as time goes on, and it could happen with things you expect, but take note of when it's not expected because that could inform more than you already figured. You also probably have more allies with you than you know. They may not understand exactly what you're dealing with or the kind of baggage it carries, but so long as you can tell them the simple things (or as simple as they can be), everyone gets through it fine. I wish you all the best as you trudge through this, falling and getting back up along the way!
Hey, I've read all your guy's posts a few days ago, I just haven't had time in private to write another post of my own until now. After my last I tried to keep it off my mind, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. But the bright side there: I was able to think about it. I think I'm ok now. I've accepted who I am, not sure what I'm going to do about it, but I understand myself better. I've recognized dysphoria and euphoria, it was really a lot of experimenting and thinking, but I've now fully accepted the fact that I'm trans and what lies ahead. I don't really have much else to say, it just didn't feel right leaving this thread without a conclusion. I'll still definitely post elsewhere on this site, and I'll try to help others the way I was helped here (although I don't have a ton of experience, but I think there's still things I can help people with). Thank you all so much for the help and advice!
