Hello! ^_^ First off, thanks for taking the time to read this, I'll try to be quick but there's a lot to unpack. Background Info: I'm 29, born male, pansexual, have a straight girlfriend (for 2 years now), and I rent a room from my parents in their house (due to exceedingly high rent rates where I live). Story: I first started questioning myself during my first year of college. I had attended a private Christian high school so this was the first time I was exposed to the LGBT community. I remember one morning sitting there waiting for class and my friend had told me about Tumblr. I had just created an account, so I was scrolling through on my phone, seeing what was there. Then it hit me. I came across a person my age that had just started their transgender journey. I had never heard of this, and everything immediately clicked. I had always wished that I had been a female, even when I was a kid. I was too scared to accept it, and the thoughts have been coming back ever since. My excuses are always the same: too expensive, I'll lose everything, and I won't be happy with the results (passing). Fast forward to today, I've dated mostly girls, but a few guys as well. My sexuality is pretty straight forward: I like the sex drive and genitalia better for guys, but the physical appearance and penetrative sex with girls better (I don't enjoy anal, giving or taking, sorry if TMI). I've been seeing my current girlfriend for 2 years now, but our sex drives are very mismatched. I want sex 2-3 times per week and I feel like I have to keep trying to get her to want sex even once per week (doesn't feel good being turned down so often), sometimes once every other week. As a result of this, the thoughts about me being transgender have come back again. But here's the thing: if I could magically flip a switch and be born a girl I would, but I don't know if I really would ever be happy transitioning. I think that I would be too critical of the way I look and never accept myself. For whatever reason, I decided to search for casual social video games. Long story short, I found one (very centered around sex, won't specify the game) and it opened a new world for me. One where I could explore myself digitally. After making a female avatar and being open about being a trans female, I found happiness. A lot of people would message me and start RP or chats about real life. Then I started feeling like a fraud and realized that I would never actually look like this perfect female avatar, so I decided to make a male avatar instead. What an experience. Hardly any messages from anyone in comparison, and this is when another piece of the puzzle fit for me. I want to be a female because I don't typically find guys attractive, UNLESS they are more feminine. I mean that facial hair and body hair are both immediate turn offs, and I don't like chubby or muscular, only lean or skinny guys. I'm extra critical of myself, and this shows way more whenever I take a picture of myself and hate it. I have been told many times on dating sites that I'm very attractive (I didn't ask) so I think it's more of a mental thing, which is where BDD fits in. Idk if I have it or not, but I might. That being said, I realize that I have this notion that NO ONE finds guys cute or attractive. That they are simply animals/machines and not meant to be attractive. Which I know is backwards, I'm fully aware. But idk how to break it. I don't look at guys and find them attractive like I do with girls, unless they meet a very specific type, despite being more attracted to their genitalia. Conclusion: I don't know what I am. I feel like I can never truly be attractive as a man, which I think is fueling my desire to be a woman, but again I would flip a magic switch if it changed my birth. I think I could also be happy as a man if I KNEW that people found me (and men in general) attractive, but if I ask people I know then of course they will say yes because they're friends or family. Here's a question I posed to myself as well: what is the equivalent of breasts and curves (ie hips/waist) but for a man? I know it's a shallow question, but I would feel better if there was some visual/physical aspect of guys that drew girls (or other guys) to them. I keep coming up empty with this. I've seen well fitting clothes or muscles thrown around, but that seems to fit both anyway (if you're into muscular girls). Question: After reading this, would you gather that I am transgender or have some kind of body dysmorphic issues? I really just needed to vent, as my mind has been spinning for over a week now and I've gotten nowhere.
The thing is that others really can't say what you are. You have to figure that out by yourself. You have to feel like you are in a wrong body and if imagining yourself as a girl makes you feel happier, then it's quite possible that you are transgender. If you have BDD, you may be so worried about the way your body looks that it interferes with your ability to function normally. You may take extreme measures such as repeated cosmetic surgical procedures to correct the perceived flaw. I don't really get that from what you have written. I have BDD myself and this don't feel the same. Maybe you are just insecure about your looks and have low self esteem and don't think that you are attractive? Have you seen a therapist about it all? If not, then I would recommend it. It could give you a better understanding of your feelings.
It is Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It's a mental health condition, where you can't stop thinking about your flaws and imperfections. You intensely focus on your looks and you can keep seeking reassurance about it and spend hours on grooming and hiding your flaws, that might seem minor to others, but disturbs you. It can make you avoid social situations.
That's my fault, I should have specified what BDD was! My initial thinking years ago was that, without a doubt, I am transgender. That being said, these feelings only really re-surface whenever I'm presented with this choice in a video game or fantasy setting. I always choose the females because I want to be cute or hot, and I feel like I just can't be that as a guy (in game or in real life). I *think* this is some kind of social construct, but I'm not positive. Even yesterday I went shopping with family and my step sisters (didn't know them when I initially had the trans thoughts by the way) went into Victoria's Secret and all I could think about was how women get this wide selection of attractive and sometimes revealing clothing or even lingerie to tempt when you're trying to be seductive and sexy, and guys just don't have any of that (is there even men's lingerie that isn't super niche?). So my current thinking is that while I WOULD choose to be a female if I could start over and had a "character select" screen so to speak, I think I would never be happy transitioning as I would be far too critical of myself. So I think the better option is to try to fix whatever this backwards mindset is, but I'm not sure how to do that. Obviously therapy would be the first step, but that's not a financial option right now. I guess what I want, in a really shallow-sounding way, is for someone to lust after me or hit on me specifically because I'm hot (I'm taken but it would still be a compliment). Or to be able to wear something that turns my girlfriend on the same way that I get turned on when she wears lingerie. Honestly even just hearing girls talk about hot guys the same way as guys do about girls may even make me feel better. Every time I search on Google, the results I end up with are "girls are just made to be more attractive than men". And maybe that's true, I would be sad if so. I get stuck in this weird loop of "why would my girlfriend want me when she could just date a more attractive female?" despite her being straight. I know the obvious answer is that you shouldn't date someone strictly for looks, but it's still important to me. If I feel like I can never be attractive as a man, then I feel like there's no reason for anyone to ever date me. And again, I know this mindset is wrong. It's just what's stuck in my head and I don't know why or how to fix it.
