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Totally Confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Pedro123, May 18, 2020.

  1. Pedro123

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    Hi guys, I'm a 21 year old male and these last months, maybe due to quarantine, have made me feel so bad about this confusion and I'm afraid this damn thing is getting in the way of so many plans I had for my life. I play a lot of guitar and study german a lot too, and I've been making super fast progress on both and seriously I hate when I start feeling depressed about things because then it leads to thoughts of suicide and cutting at brief moments just to later feel super scared about what I've been doing to myself the last day.
    First of all, I've never had sex, but certainly most of my fantasies that felt 100% natural and pleasurable were gay and all the dreams I had were gay dreams, but with me masturbating and not with other men. I can't watch lesbian porn and enjoy it if I'm not in the mood, and gay it's mainly masturbation and not two men for me to enjoy it a bit, but honestly I'd just rather be in my own head than have to watch it.
    Despite all this, every single crush I've ever had in my life was with women, and I wish I could look at men's faces and appreciate it and want to come back home and see a man there just so I could get out of this.
    I've never felt a strong emotional attachment to the point of wanting to date a man that was gay, and If I did it would be purely because of sex.
    I don't know what's going on, my whole life's been this and I've convinced myself that I was bissexual, but now I'm wondering If I'm not gay as a relationship can't trully exist without sex.
    I can't see myself in a relationship with a man or hugging or kissing him and enjoying it, but the sex just looks so hot in my head when I masturbate to it. And with girls it's the opposite, but I still appreciate their physique even more than men's even though they don't get me aroused If I don't feel like it just through looking. What i can fantasize about is mainly real people for it to feel good with women.
    My phantasies to completely satisfy me have to be with men but I can think of women too and enjoy it, although it's not 100%. By the way, I have had moments with women where I trully feel aroused and interested in them for sex but that's just in real life and I can't take that to fantasy unless it's shortly after it's happened, like a few days or so.

    Until now I've never had sex to trully know but still... Everyone tells me to try it out to find out but I just wish there was a way to figure this out until the end of quarantine. I wanted to have your thoughts on this. I don't really give a damn whatever I am, I just want to sort it out and get out of these shitty feelings.
     
  2. Confusedmoose

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    Hey Pedro,

    The problem with sexuality is that it isn't always clear cut. In my experience, there are times when I am way more attracted to women than men and vice versa. The fact that there is a quarantine going on surely doesn't help the confusion you are feeling, as there is more time to think about it. If I may ask, what plans are you afraid will be ruined because of the confusion? Just remember that being confused is natural. It makes me sad to hear that this is stressing you to the point of self harm. Sending some care your way
     
  3. Pedro123

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    I was practicing german 4 hours a day, started on February and my teachers are already pretty sure I'm B2, and I these last few days I was simply uncapable of reading more or my books due to that, I just felt terrible.
    I mean I can't lose my attraction on women for their physique or faces, I find them too beautiful, or feel like I'd enjoy being touched or hugged by a man without feeling weird but still I simply enjoy more the sex thoughts of a man rather than a woman. I get aroused as soon as I start thinking about them while as with a woman I'd have to picture or see things in a way that get me on.
    I've researched on it, saw there was something called a cross orientation and that there were many different forms of attraction but it's terrible to have that. I have neglected these gay thoughts and believed they would go away, but they don't ever, and It's so stressing because all my romantic or sensual (not sexual) fantasies were with women.
    I've talked to a friend of mine who's bissexual but mainly gay and he told me his attraction for men in the beggining was almost not sexual, just like mine for women, and then through time he started developping it.
     
  4. MPC

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    I hear you Pedro.

    I was a virgin until I was 21 as well, in 2 years, I had some unfulfilling relationships with a few girls, mind you, the sex was great at first, but just because I waited so long and it felt like I was missing something. . I always had that nagging feeling of wanting to try hooking up with a guy, something that lingered there since I was in my early teens. I always thought it would be purely like giving or getting oral, because at that time, I didn't find most guys faces attractive, or could never picture myself kissing a guy. That said, I ended up breaking up with this girl that I thought we were gonna be together forever, and was drunk and depressed, so I went on a dating site, met this guy, we talked for a few days. He eventually invited me over, and he was a pretty average guy, but "out". So we talked a bit, I admitted some of the above stuff, and I was able to open up a bit. Anyway, he went in for a kiss, and I almost turned him away. But it happened. And that was the worst day of my life, not that I didn't like it, I did, and not only that, I started getting curious in pursuing a relationship, of course, I couldn't let anyone know I was bi, or even curious, cause I don't have the best support network in regards to all that. And now its 6 years later, and I am still confused, definitely want to pursue a relationship with a guy, but other things are holding me back.

    What I'm getting at is, and like you said about everyone else saying the same thing, but it is true, you're a virgin yet, try with women, try with men, you might like it, or you may not like it, you're at a good age to go experiment, and if you're lucky, you might be able to accept whatever it turns out to be. Trust me, the depression doesn't go away. Or get more confused, such as myself, now.

    Though in regards to you're fantasies you mentioned your second post. I was the same way, sexually, I fantasize about men, romantically , it was with women, but all my relationships with women have turned out in disaster, not because of drama, but i realized, I never was interested, and, as I am realizing now, I believe I was forcing those relationships because of how people around me want me to be like, not who I really am, I didn't even consider having a relationship with the same gender as an option. This is just my perspective mind you. I also want to say, your friend sounds like where I'm getting too as well. Now I wonder if I was always truly gay, but I do feel guilty after being with guys, though it feels right, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Which I boil down too how I was raised, but that is a whole nother story.

    I wish all this was real simple.

    Anyway, cheers, and hope you get some answers soon!

    P.S. Relationships can exist without sex. Be interesting dynamics. Would also be fun if you find the right people though. haha.
     
  5. Confusedmoose

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    You may just be overthinking things at the moment. the way in which you feel attraction for men and women may just differ. It doesn't mean one is less valid than the other. By the way, I was a virgin until I was 25, and really even with having sex, you can still feel all the confusion- especially if you are with the wrong person. I found that I needed a lot of self reflection and time before I was even able to think about getting into a relationship.(on a side note- good work on the German. That takes a lot of dedication :slight_smile: )
     
  6. Pedro123

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    Dude thank you so much for your answer, you sound so similar to me. I always feel guilty after thinking of men and then immediately go back to finding girls more attractive. I wanted to know if there's anyway I can contact you so I can know more about your experience. It seems like there's no way of contacting only 1 person at a time at the forum.
     
  7. Ram90

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    I haven't had sex, thought I've been physically intimate with men on a few occasions. I still masturbate to gay porn, and it does turn me on. But I don't really have the interest in engaging in it. That's me anyway. I'm sure if and when you get the opportunity to be in a relationship with me, if you want to of course, you can experiment and discover if that if something you really want to do. :slight_smile:

    As for contacting people on the forum, once you've made 10 posts in threads on the forum in general, you can access visitor messaging. Which involves posting visitor messages on members' profiles. Once you have made 50 posts and have been active on the forum for 2 -4 weeks, you can apply for full membership, which is a privilege, giving you access to send private messages to other full members. :slight_smile: