Hi guys, I'm a 21 year old male and these last months, maybe due to quarantine, have made me feel so bad about this confusion and I'm afraid this damn thing is getting in the way of so many plans I had for my life. I play a lot of guitar and study german a lot too, and I've been making super fast progress on both and seriously I hate when I start feeling depressed about things because then it leads to thoughts of suicide and cutting at brief moments just to later feel super scared about what I've been doing to myself the last day. First of all, I've never had sex, but certainly most of my fantasies that felt 100% natural and pleasurable were gay and all the dreams I had were gay dreams, but with me masturbating and not with other men. I can't watch lesbian porn and enjoy it if I'm not in the mood, and gay it's mainly masturbation and not two men for me to enjoy it a bit, but honestly I'd just rather be in my own head than have to watch it. Despite all this, every single crush I've ever had in my life was with women, and I wish I could look at men's faces and appreciate it and want to come back home and see a man there just so I could get out of this. I've never felt a strong emotional attachment to the point of wanting to date a man that was gay, and If I did it would be purely because of sex. I don't know what's going on, my whole life's been this and I've convinced myself that I was bissexual, but now I'm wondering If I'm not gay as a relationship can't trully exist without sex. I can't see myself in a relationship with a man or hugging or kissing him and enjoying it, but the sex just looks so hot in my head when I masturbate to it. And with girls it's the opposite, but I still appreciate their physique even more than men's even though they don't get me aroused If I don't feel like it just through looking. What i can fantasize about is mainly real people for it to feel good with women. My phantasies to completely satisfy me have to be with men but I can think of women too and enjoy it, although it's not 100%. By the way, I have had moments with women where I trully feel aroused and interested in them for sex but that's just in real life and I can't take that to fantasy unless it's shortly after it's happened, like a few days or so. Until now I've never had sex to trully know but still... Everyone tells me to try it out to find out but I just wish there was a way to figure this out until the end of quarantine. I wanted to have your thoughts on this. I don't really give a damn whatever I am, I just want to sort it out and get out of these shitty feelings.