Tortured by trans uncertainty and temptation to detransition

Ohhh, I've surely had experience...I've been in a veeery similar situation to you. So I'ma just share my experience, and see if it resonates with you? Cause, honestly, at this point, having NOT figured any of this out 100%, yet, I'm not one to give advice, much.

I honestly don't even know where to begin, cause I identify SO much with everything you posted. I transitioned for a few months (stopped HRT a couple months ago), and realized a few things: as much and as long as I always *wanted* to be female, and despite how well I passed, I hated it. I felt like...I SO badly wanted to be a gay boy, again, I thought about it every single day. I also hated being trans*...I know that sounds horrible, but it's true. If I could have been cisfemale, it might've been different, but yaah.

I realized...I think honestly? I think I'm just genderfluid and the male/female elements just represent my different selves; trueself (male) and idealized self (female). Cause, honestly? I never had much body dysphoria, as a male, to be honest. I just *wanted* to be female, but that doesn't necessarily mean I ever felt I WAS female trapped in the wrong body, if that makes sense? More like I was a boy that wanted to be a girl?

Also, though I don't have the troubles in passing as a boy you seem to (I have ZERO boobs, now that I'm off HRT), I DO know the "FtM" feeling, I feel that way ALL the time. Truthfully? Unless I TRY to seem like a boy, I will generally pass as a girl, despite being tall, short haired, and totally flat chested. So, it's frustrating at times having to put that extra effort into something that, at one time, came naturally (presenting as female became second nature, to me, so I sometimes have to suppress that and try to act male, but if I do I pass fine as, I think, a pretty cute boy, lol).

But, yeaaah, I'm just, I'm fascinated with you, cause I have been going through all this recently and haven't found someone like me! I've been living as a gay boy, again, for about 2 months or so? And yeaah, it HAS brought me some happiness, but unfortunately there have been bad, bad days when I felt compelled to be female again (to the point where I went back on HRT for a few days before stopping, again).

I think, for me, partially, I just feel like BOTH, inside. And when I'm a male, it exacerbates the side that feels female, but then when I'm presenting female it suppresses and exacerbates the side that feels male...so I dunno. To me, that means it's prolly wiser to just live as a boy cause it takes less effort and time and I feel more authentic/less fake, and it's easier to find love, etc? Not sure. At the MOMENT, I'm happy being a gay boy, so I'm not complaining..I'm just worried it won't stay this way, cause I go up and down, a lot.

Sorry, I'm totally rambling, but your post was SO interesting to me!

---------- Post added 14th Oct 2013 at 09:22 PM ----------

In other news, you really remind me so much of someone I know, to the point of actually making me wonder if you *are* this person XD

 

I can relate a lot to what you feel. Good luck.

 

God, I can relate so much... You are right about the 'vicarious support' and the agressiveness of the crowd.
I wish I had advice, I really wish. All I have is a *hug*

IMHO, Admins should make your thread sticky to make the support more balanced.

 

Ohhh, I feel so bad!(*hug*) I'm sorry you haven't gotten a lot of response, it seems like this side of the forum is less frequented, for some reason. I dunno what to say, just...you know I relate!

To be honest....I actually made a post saying many of the things you said on another board, we both know aaall too well, and got jumped all over and told I was a self hater.

My feeling is this: if you are 100% positive transition is your only alternative to complete madness, then absolutely go fucking do it. But you need to do a LOT of introspection and soul searching before making this decision. There are too many people on both sides forcing people into one role: one side says DON'T, absolutely, the other says DO, and nobody says THINK. That's what someone who REALLY cares would say: just...think about it.

The problem is, it's so easy to get caught up in the bandwagon and soo many trans* activists are so positive and affirming and pro-transition, that I always feel guilty if I say anything like...yeahh, maybe it's not the best option, because as soon as I do, I have a whole ton of people jumping down my throat and making me feel like I just backed out too soon...but then I see YOU and your struggle and realize, NOPE, I had it right, before..

I'm on Skype if you feel like talking(*hug*)

 

I'm sorry I can't help, but GOD I'm in a similar situation. Hurts, doesn't it?

But... **hug**

(except thing is, it's kinda the opposite for me, I'm bio-girl, and I can't be exclusively gay whether I'm a boy OR girl... *shrugs*)

 

I think I can definitely relate to this. I'm always so panicked that I'm not really trans and this a phase, but I really don't want that. My therapist told me that 80% of adolescents who say they're trans, get over it once their older, and that just crushed me. It worries me so much, and just adds to the confusion of whether I am male or female. I recently saw a picture of me from my birthday party last year in a dress and I just stared. She looked so lovely and it made me more confused of whether I was an FtM or this was just a phase, and I hate it. It really hurts and it eats away at me. I act so feminine sometimes and do girly things and start freaking out because that's not how a guy is suppose to act, which is not true. But being trans is so damn complicated and stressful, but the thought of having to live as a girl makes me want to curl up and just die, but it seems to be easier to just stay as a cisgirl because I will never be a cisguy. I can try, but the thought will always stay there, that I'm not really a guy and never will be... I'm also petrified of going to the trans community with this because I know there are so many people out there who are going to rag on me for it. I don't need someone saying "I'm not trans enough," or "I'm a fake." It already painful as it is. But, I can understand where you are coming from and it really is painful to deal with so if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Just send me a message if you ever need someone, I'll be there

 

I posted about something similar a few weeks ago and am relieved I'm not the only one feeling conflicted and pressured from both sides.

I identified as female from age 3 until I started drinking heavily at 19, around which time I slowly gave up my transitioning hopes and became "just gay". I am still not clear on why I made that decision, but despite forging a rather ill-fitting identity as a gay man, I still struggled with dysphoria on a more subterranean level (uncomfortable w/male pronouns and forms of address, feeling personally offended when gay male friends would make misogynistic comments, fantasizing about transitioning) for twenty plus years. My feelings of wanting to transition intensified in the past year, until finally I said something to a friend, then another friend, and finally sought a therapist. Things have happened so rapidly since then that it almost makes my head spin. After some confusion, I began dressing as a woman at home only. To my amazement, my anxiety - which had progressed to the level where I was in physical pain - went away completely. Every time I put male clothes on and went out, it came back. Finally I had a "Come to Jesus" experience where I was weeping with joy almost every day that I WAS transsexual, that I could finally be me.

But, it seems that every time I take a scary next step (such as seeking HRT, going out in public, etc.) I experience a violent emotional backlash that lasts for days. It always consists of me doubting that I'm really trans, feeling like I've invented this out of whole cloth. I still feel utterly nuts. I have come out by now to a lot of people, all of whom are very supportive. But I fear that if I ultimately don't transition fully, I'm going to have egg on my face big time. I'm therefore keeping this from my family for now, and I've decided to make no further excursions in public as my female self until I've been on HRT for a while and can be certain that this is what I really want.

I believe that situations like this are exactly what the now-controversial Harry Benjamin standards of care were meant to guard against. Once you've gone all the way and had the surgery, there is no turning back. I am definitely slowing down and don't intend to present female publicly again until I am certain at least 99% of the time!

Also I'm not sure I agree with the statement that once can THINK one's way in or out of this. At some point, I am pretty sure I am going to FEEL what is right and know in my heart what the solution is (perhaps it isn't either/or, maybe there's a gray area??). At this point, I'm just trying to make friends with my confusion!

 

There's no telling if transitioning again (because I don't believe in the term "de-transition") would be effective in alleviating your distress. One thing I can say, though, is that it doesn't matter one iota what your fiance or his family or what anyone else thinks about you, your gender expression, and the choices you make to be a happier person.

Sometimes I feel like people who transition can get kind of "stuck on gender". I mean that they just can't stop thinking about it, they can't go on and do other things. All they think about, talk about, advocate, read about, and obsess over is "gender". They think about what gender they are, what gender means, what transsexual and transition mean, are they right or wrong on the way they present themselves, how others view their gender, their sex, their body, etc.

I think that instead of trying to force yourself into whatever per-concieved notion you may have of what it means to be a woman, you should instead define for yourself what being a woman means to you. Enjoy your body, your sexuality, your clothes, the changes and beauty in your appearance, your health, your curiosity, your wisdom, and your youth. Find purpose and meaning in your life that has nothing to do with gender or sex or sexuality. Find ways to help people less fortunate than you, learn new skills, find pleasure in new hobbies and goals.

I believe that you can be transsexual and you can be cis. I am transsexual because I am altering my physical sexual characteristics, but I am also cis because, although I may dislike parts of my body, I was still born with the body that was meant to have. I like to think of every person as showing up to this planet with "assembly required" and some require more assembly than others.

Be patient with your body and with yourself, and find new ways to bring purpose and love to your life. Don't get stuck on gender.

 

Yeah, just want to say I agree with DhammaGamer. I find if you spend your whole life obsessing about gender, about transition- doesn't leave you in a good place once transition happens. It's like, where do you go from here? You build it up as some magic bullet and where does it leave you once you're through or it doesn't fix everything.

Author discretion- I find myself falling in the same trap from time to time. "T will fix everything" "Gender gender gender" "If I can just get top surgery..." And it's a trap I want to avoid. As opposed to spending my life figuring out how to be a man, I want to figure out how to be me. I am a man. But I worry too much about schematics and what makes me a man and it's going to drive me nuts.

Nah, you're still you. Whether you transition, whether you detransition. Who you are is up to you. No one besides you can control your body, your gender, your future, nor whatever choices you make to build your life the way you see fit.

Think carefully. If you detransition, doesn't mean anything's wrong with you. Just means transition wasn't for you. Live your life the way you see fit and whatever makes you happy and hopefully things'll turn out in your favor.

 

Well, I was talking about the uncertainty mostly. Aww, you can detransition if you want to! Its not the end of the world. Are you in therapy..? If not please consider doing that. I can tell that you are having very extreme emotions about all this and really you probably need to calm down and come at things rationally. Is it your personal identity that is off, like you don't feel woman enough? Or is it you don't like how your body has changed? There are lots of people with female bodies like yours that don't identify as girls and are comfortable being masculine as well. I think you really need an objective professional to comment on your feelings before you do anything rash!

---------- Post added 17th Oct 2013 at 06:16 PM ----------

I rarely ever see people say "you are transsexual, you should transition". The advice is almost always that you should explore your feelings fully which is sound advice for anyone who is presented with such deep problems with gender and their place in life. Therapy is something you should really consider before jumping into transition.

 

Goddamn...I identify SO much with this, it's uncanny. I JUST made a post discussing this shit, and jah, well, you know my feelings, pretty well, on this from our discussions.

What you said about losing purity resonated so much...and you know what, I feel like I DO have a certain purity and authenticity as a boy. It's something you feel like you lose in transition, and that feeling is every bit as bad as dysphoria.

But dysphoria doesn't go away. Truthfully? I'm slowly coming to the conclusion, it doesn't matter, cause we're at least somewhat fucked either way. To not transition, like me, yeahh, you might feel more real and more authentic, and there is a kinda innocence and purity about just being a BOY like you were born as, BUT...that carnal dysphoric drive will always come back and leave you in angst, and only intensify as you age and masculanize.

And then to transition, you lose a lot of dysphoria, but you feel like you're losing yourself, in the process. A certain kind of beauty and purity and simplicity, in favor of a very alternative, complex life mired in ambiguity, and that leaves you in an equally unbearable angst, and like you're slowly fading away and losing yourself as a person in favor of a female creation, that isn't your trueself but your idealized self.

I guess it's sorta pick your poison...our problem is neither of us have officially picked ours yet! We're still in that inbetween phase, and it fucking sucks. Right now....it varies so much and so often....like you, I have a LOT of triggers, so it makes living as a boy hard, despite the pros, we've discussed. So, you should know, detransition won't cure your problems...yeahh, you might lose some, but you'll gain a whole new set.

For me, it's quickly coming down to which I can handle, best. I'm still not sure. I honestly think it's a testimony to the hell that is dysphoria to even CONSIDER transition, with all of the downsides. I dunno. I wish I could just be happy as a cis, gay male, but I'm still not 100%....wishing you could be a gay male, doesn't mean it'll be easy being one, so you should remember that.

I will say this: I am honestly leaning towards NOT transitioning and dealing with the dysphoria, and focusing on the PROS to being a gay boy over transitioning, instead.

BUT, that's only cause at this point in time, it's easier. I'd have to grow my hair out, take hormones and wait for those to start working again since I have zero residual effects left over and it'd legit be starting from square one, and in the END, transition would just bring me a whole new set of shit to deal with. So, because it's easier not to and it's pretty much the same, either way, I figure I may as well just stay male...so honestly, it may just be the same for you and come down to whats easier, which seems to be female. Detransition sounds like it may just be as much as a headache as transition is for me, so it might be easier staying a girl. And if that's what you do, just try to focus on the pros!

Hang in there!(*hug*)(*hug*)

 

Reading all these posts makes me so sad. Here I am 41 and have long come to terms with the fact I will never look like that beautiful woman my mother was. I just don't understand how any trans-woman could be a "gay boy" as I am a trans-woman and have never been able to pretend to be gay good enough to get a gay man's attention. Gays are always revolted by me. For me it has never been a choice. Because I never had the knowledge of trans people when I was young enough to transition, I have been cursed to walk this Earth looking wrong for this lifetime. I don't get to be Mrs. Michael ------. Instead most people know me as his cousin. I also don't get to have his children as I would have had I been born right. I at least got to have his love which is the top of the list and I do get to enjoy his sex. So to the OP and others who have transitioned and think they might want to go back to being a boy, I ask you to think to yourself were you ever a boy? Because not one day of my 41 years have I ever been a male and I never got the blessing to have the option of transitioning. I have all my life dreamed of someone inventing a body swapping machine, or a pill to cause a body to change sex. Then one could try the other side easily and change back if it is wrong. Daydreams are nice!

Now to the poster who studies how men act, he is wasting his time. T is not as strong as your essence! If you are a guy, then just be yourself and you will be a guy. I don't act like a woman, because I am a woman. Imagine your mother's soul or brain being placed into a man's body and that would be the same as me. She would not be a camp acting queen with exaggerated mannerisms, but just a woman in a man,s body as that would be what she would then be. Most would see her as a man until interacting closely with her. See she would act just the same, as the body would work nearly the same. If you are a trans-man it would be no different than your dad's soul or brain being transplanted into a woman's body as it would be the same thing. he would just be.... So that is what I mean when I say just be you because you are that man you are inside, he will radiate out. I know this as I radiate a woman and guys see her fairly easy and amazing enough want her. Years ago I discovered that about myself and I do what makes me happy being myself. I do my best to be a blessing to those around me putting others needs first always, never taking the best, but giving it. Authenticity is the key to acceptance. I have always been very blessed. June