I've always been torn between my gender identity. First off, I don't 100% understand it. I definitely feel more male. My past girlfriends say I act more like a guy than anything. Growing up, I definitely acted more like a guy. I've always worn male clothes, been more interested in male oriented activities. Honestly, I just would not mind being male. It used to be that anytime anyone forced me to do anything female (ie dress femininely, be hit on by male, do ballet, etc) I'd feel super degraded. To the point of tears. Now that I'm older I don't freak out as much, but it makes me feel... humiliated. Embarrassed. I feel more confident acting male-like. I often get mistaken for male and it never really bothered me. So why not transition? Because I believe a huge part of being male, really feeling male, is having a penis. A working, honest to God penis. I feel that if I transitioned I would never feel actually complete. Like I'm a liar anytime anyone thinks I'm male. I know there's an operation. It's just not the same. Having a two-inch, non-working penis will just make me feel worse. Maybe technology will advance to the point where this won't be an issue, but even then I'll never be able to reproduce. Never being fully who you want to be is just the most demoralizing thing. I feel as though if I identify as anything other than lesbian I will have no place. 28 years of internal hatred.