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Too many things to concider weather to proceed or not

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Ngale, Mar 23, 2021.

  1. Ngale

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    I'm not even sure, should I be posting on this "later in life" section, because I have admitted to myself and to a few friends that I am bi already 14 years ago. Back then I just happened to enter in a relationship with an opposite sex (man), and that relationship is still the one I'm living in. I have told to my spouse as well that I am bi back then. It just has seemed to have forgotten by everyone during these years. Expect me as I have struggled with my longings, desires and fantasies regulary trough the years.

    I have commented to a few previous threads telling a little bit of my situation. I am soon to be 34 years old and a mother of two young kids, 5 and 2 years old. We've been married almost 8 years with my husband. And now I am really struggeling on what I want my future to be.

    I know I have loved my husband over these years but for some time now I haven't been in love with him. I think, not in several years, at least not in the past two or three. Still we had a second child. I think mostly because neither of us wanted our first one to have left the only one. And I think that my husband is still in love with me, even tho our marriage has been quite difficult all those two or three years. Recently I have come to think about the fact, that I probably have stayed in this relationship for this long simply because it has been easy. Easier than coming out again and taking a change to find love and relationship with a woman.

    Besides my sexuality, I have other issues as well in my life that have impact on my life and thinking. Traumas from the childhood. And because of those I really don't trust to my ability to evaluate the happiness in my life. What if this life that I am now living is actually the best I can ever dream of? I mean, there is nothing wrong with my husband. He is the kind of spouse and father to our children that all my friends dream of. My friends can't understand why there would be any problems in our marriage. He takes care of our kids as much as I do, he cooks, cleans, does the laundry etc. But why I am not feeling happy or even content? Because he is of wrong sex?

    I have been in therapy all together for six years figuring out my trauma and how it affects me and my thinking. And still I can't trust my self to have evaluated this situation of mine correctly. I don't trust myself to do the right decision. I am tormented about my dreams of a relationship with a woman. But what if I have totally the wrong picture about what it would be like? What if I am naive about it? What if having sex with a woman doesn't feel any better that sex with a man? What if all this is just in my head, caused by my traumatic past, and there really isn't anything wrong in my current life? What if I am not able to be happy in any kind of relationship? How to know wheather ending our relationship, marriage, and tearing upp our family is right or wrong?

    Blah. There is just too much thoughts in my head and I just wished that everything would be easier...
     
  2. dirtyshirt84

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    Hi Ngale. My situation is similar to yours in that I’m also married to a man and identify as Bi, and have done for a long time. I also had a relationship with a woman when I was younger.

    Have you talked to your husband about how you are feeling? Was he supportive when you came out as Bi? Maybe talking about how you are feeling with him would help. Have you discussed your sexuality with your therapist? Maybe that would help too.

    Have you ever had a crush on a woman and do you have fantasies about women? Do you think there is any possibility to your husband agreeing to you exploring your sexuality or an open relationship?

    Just throwing some ideas out there. Sorry that you are struggling right now but there are lots of people in similar situations on here so you are definitely not alone.
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    I am wondering about this part. Do you mean that you no longer care for him as anything more than the father of your children, just a close friend who you live with? Or is it that you do not have the butterflies in the stomach type of feeling? If you still deeply care for him and feel close to him but it is of a different tone now then that is entirely normal. Relationships cannot maintain the peak of the early times, they have to grow and mature.

    If you really feel that the relationship is not filling your needs then maybe you should explore options. One would be couples therapy and trying to rekindle things. Another could be opening the relationship so that you could see if experimenting helps. The last option would be to end the relationship and have both of you move on.

    These are all things to consider and therapy is probably a good option. I have been in relationships with men and with women (some of them also trans). I have found that both can be kind and caring and that both can be highly abusive. It might happen that if you were to find a woman to be in a relationship with it still would not work out. In my life at least relationships do not work out the way the stories or movies tell us that they will. Take some time and really consider what your needs might be and what your options are. I hope that you find the right answer for yourself.
     
  4. Ngale

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    Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

    Back then, 14 years a go he was curious about my sexuality and thouht that it woulnd't bother him if I would like to explore. And I think that he probably would say that now as well. But I don't know if I am able to live in a open relationship. I have come to realize that in some things I have a very concervative view of life as in monogamy. I am also pondering what kinf of example I want to give our kids. I am actually quite sad to have noticed this way of thinking in me.

    About crushes. I have had crushes on women and am having one now as well wich makes this situation even worse. She is bi and married to her wife with kids and all so I am just waiting to this crush to fade away.

    And I really haven't talked about my sexuality in therapy, I've thought to fix other things first but now I think it would be time to start address this as well... And I should talk about my feelings with my husband as well but it seems difficult as we have drifted so far from each others that I am not really interested to share my thoughts to him at this point.

    Maybe I just need to give it some time...
     
  5. Ngale

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    Yes. I feel he is more of a friend. I can't say that I wouln't care for him but care for deeply? That sounds too strong of an expression. Butterflies hasn't been in years so that I do not expect from a relationship that has lasted this long. I value him and we work together as parents perfectly but I can't find in me any desire to even to try rekindle our relationship romantically. This much I have figured out but as I don't trust my ability see things how they really are, I can't seem to be able to move on to anything. So I just stay silent and think. Think too much.
     
  6. QuietPeace

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    Given the nature of your relationship wouldn't it be better for the two of you to separate and move on to other people? I think that would actually be the best example for the children and the best thing for both of you. Parting now while it can still be done amicably would be better than dragging it on interminably.