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Told my religious friend..finally

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by nickmc, Jul 5, 2008.

  1. nickmc

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    So after weeks of putting it off, i finally gave my friend a letter last night telling her that I'm gay (amongst other things.) Two things about our relationship. 1. We're both Anglicans and go to the same small church; 2. she likes me as more than just a friend and although iv made it clear i don't feel that way about her, she hasn't let go.

    Well anyway, she didn't take it that well. although she says she still wants to be my friend, she is trying to change me. trying to tell me that who i am is wrong and that i can never not be lonely with a guy.

    Now I'm also religious so i know how hard it is to accept- it took me years to finally accept who i am so i can understand why she is upset. also, she liked me as more than just a friend, which jst makes it harder still. but i felt like i had to tell her since she had written me an incredibly vulnerable email that i felt deserved an honest answer. so i don't regret giving her the letter but her reaction just sucks :icon_sad: and although i don't want to lose her as a friend, i don't want to hang out with someone who just wants me to change who i am. not after years of denial and confusion. i am happier now that i know myself (well at least that part) but she seems to think that i'd be happier straight... sigh. i don't know.

    any tips from anyone who's been in a similar situation would be great.
     
  2. beckyg

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    Well you can try to still be her friend but if she's constantly telling you these things and trying to change you it could get old very fast. I think I would just take one day at a time and see how it goes. Let her know that you are happy with yourself. One of the best lines I've learned when people say things that you don't agree with is to say "You may believe that way, I don't." Good luck!
     
  3. Mirko

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    I agree with Becky. Try continuing the friendship in the best way you can. It is possible that she will come around to it and stop trying to change you. Take it one day at a time. Tell her that this is who you are, and that you are happy. I like Becky's line, "You may believe that way, I don't." Try that out and see how it goes.
     
  4. BlakeHarmony

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    Like they've said, tell her that you don't believe that it is a sin and tell her why, (I'm Mennonite, so it took me a while to accept that as well) and also, it's really annoying to have someone who is trying to change who you are (unless it's trying to convince someone to wear deodorant or something, in which case it's still annoying, but for a good reason) in this case, it is not something that is changeable, nor should it be. Tell her this and also how frustrating it is. She has your best interests at heart (though they are misguided) so this will be hard for her to accept, but let her know that you don't like it.

    I like Becky's line, but I think you should follow it with something like, "I accept your beliefs, and would be very grateful if you accept mine", this shows that you find it annoying/rude, whatever, but also that you respect her and her views (golden rule!).
     
  5. Emberstone

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    you might have just given her a shock to her system with this which might have been something she never considered. I would just give her time to take it all in, and hopefully, she will see that this dosent change who you are, because you are still who you were anyways, she just knows this one more thing about you.

    oddly enough, the bible isent anti gay, leviticus, when put up against jewish teaching of the time when it was written spoke of married people who thought if they have sexual relations with someone of the same sex, it didnt count as adultery. leviticus was written to set rules for the isrealites, and was their holiness code.

    jesus himself rejected the leviticus laws, and never spoke once against homosexuality. and yet he lived in a time when it was a common practice, expecially under pagen roman rule. it was common, and considered a healthy part of sexuality. if it was against jesus's teaching and gods law, he would have spoke out against it. while he rejected leviticus teaching, he did reiterate some jewish law saying it was still important, and yet he never condemmed homosexuality.

    christianty didnt reject homosexually until centuries later when the church started to create sex laws. the midevil church's goal was to control every single tiny aspect of the life of socieity, thats why the church corrupted itself in the midevil times, which ultimately led to the protestant revolution.

    you shouldnt have to feel like your chirstian faith is in conflict with who you are. if it gets really bad, you can always seek a church that will be accepting. though I havent come out to my members of my church, the evengelical lutheren church of american have a open stance about accepting homosexuals for who they are, and bringing them into the church so they have a safe place to practice their faith without fear of persecution.

    there is also the universalist church of chirst, but i know little about it. I think some methodist denominations also welcome gays, lesbians, transgendered, and bisexual congregation members.
     
  6. Veridian

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    Religion can have a powerful hold. It's taken me ages to come to grips with who I am, and I am still trying to find out where my homosexuality fits with my faith. lately, I identify with Jesus much more than religion. My church is pretty conservative (I'm Mennonite as well! yay, its a good and a bad thing) and I know they would probably never accept me if I came out to them. They would try to change me as well.

    But I also suggest giving her time. Just remember how long it took you to come to grips with who you were. It might take her longer, especially with the religious background. But yeah, don't give up on your faith. Jesus taught love and compassion and gave us a connection to God. And really, God made you and I the way we are. And Jesus loves you and I for who we are. That's my faith anyway. Hope I helped out, the whole faith/religion/homosexuality topic is one I have been struggling with for a while.
     
  7. Derek the Wolf

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    The key word I like to throw around is acceptance. She's having a tough time accepting that you're gay. It may be because she had/has feelings for you, or it could be that her being religious gives her a sense that it's her duty to save you from sin. Whatever her reason is, at the moment, she's having trouble accepting you for who you are.

    Keeping this in mind, do the best you can to give her acceptance. Try to accept that she is the way she is, and it will take her time to give it back. The more she feels that you're being honest and you're happy with who you are, the more she's going to accept you for who you are. That said, don't change who you are. Be true to yourself.

    Good luck.
     
  8. RuralMedAU

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    I think my favorite quote by Dr. Suess is appropriate. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
     
  9. Revan

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    Thing is how can she know, I watched a documentary today and it showed several same sex male couples who have been together for 46 years, and one who's been together for 54. If that's "never not be lonely with a guy" then what's love? Just be yourself and if she keeps pushing just tell her you are who you are and if she won't accept it....you might need to end your friendship. Your friend is not a real friend if she can't accept you for being you.
     
  10. BitterEdge

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    If she is truly your friend she won't want to change you. Many people are uninformed, I suggest Camp Out or another documentary that tackles things of this various nature: religion and homosexuality.
     
  11. Antrioss

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    Veridian: Coming out can be an extremely difficult process. You have to start realizing who you really are before you start confirming your orientation with everyone. I figured out years ago that I was gay, but I recently accepted it in the past couple months. It took me a while to know that what I am is me, and I can pursue whatever makes me happy. It took me a while, but I realized that, and I am glad I did.

    Edit: Oh, and try not to let religion keep a firm decision on your coming out experience.
     
    #11 Antrioss, Jul 24, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2008
  12. Trumpetplyer23

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    There's a documentary (Beebo posted it a while ago.) it's called "The Bible Tells Me So". I suggest making her watch that.
     
  13. Rachelle

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    This is gonna sound really dumb, but I thought anglicans were cool with gay people :|

    Guess not...
     
  14. ElizabethAnne

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    Oh man, the religious thing is really difficult. I grew up religious and am still having trouble accepting it myself. The only other gay person I've ever known (besides my gf), his name was Josh, and he was a Christian and was trying to make himself straight. At the time, I thought that was very admirable, and tried to help him. Eventually he gave up, and left the church. I was really ignorant about homosexuality, and I only knew what the church taught about it. Your friend is probably where I was at the same age - trying to help you as best as she knows how. I don't know if you can try to help her see that it's not wrong or give her more information and that will help her to see reason.
     
  15. Sam

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    I can understand you not wanting to give up a friendship. I have a friend who was like your friend for a long time and then she just got tired of trying to change me. Give her time and maybe she will just learn to let you be and stop trying to change you. If after a while it doesn't seem to be improving then I would try talking to her and if she still continues then there isn't much you can do and you'll have to decide whether you want her in your life.

    But first give her time. Give her a chance she may eventually surprise you.

    Sam
     
  16. jony8472

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    Hey There=]
    I'm Jon, and I'm Catholic so I can kinda relate to some of the problem=]

    Give it some time... let her get her head around everything...
    After that, if she's still giving you a hard time,
    sit down and talk it through with her. I'm loathed to say justify why you're gay becuase there's nothing to justify, but just talk through being gay with her=]

    And then... if that doesn't work, consider distancing yourself a little, don't break it off altoghther, but if all she wants to do is change you, you might have to think about it.

    Hope something helped!
    Jon=}