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Today's a really bad day

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Aug 14, 2017.

  1. baristajedi

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    im feeling scared out of my mind, but I'm going to try to write this post with a calm perspective.

    My daughter is struggling st particular moments with the adjustment in the separation between me and my ex. She seems to be very happy when she's with me and when she's with my ex, but when one of us picks her up from the other's home, she seems to have quite a difficult time. That transition point between being with one of us and then switching to the other is hard for her. It's easier for her if one of us picks her up from nursery or drops her off there, I'm guessing it will be the same with school.

    She has other difficulties here and there, sleeptime is mostly good but sometimes she has trouble sleeping...its been getting better fairly consistently though. She makes comments here and there as well that make me worry that she has some internal struggle with the fracture between my ex and myself.

    To put in perspective, I'd say overall she seems happy and relaxed, it's just certain moments where I can really see her working through things, and I know it's not easy.

    I know I'm making all the right big choices. Separating was necessary and ultimately best for her. The big decisions about how we do it I think we're doing right...but I think I'm making a mess of a lot of little things and it all adds up and I'm terrified of the effect in her.

    I don't know what to do, honestly, I'm just really scared of not doing this right.

    Today we had a massively difficult transition when her dad came to get her.

    I'm scared guys, I just want everything to be ok for my daughter.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Aug 14, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2017
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  2. RJay

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    Please breathe! Everything will be ok. Children are super resilient and highly adaptable. My son has had some tough transitions too! And I have been emotional and short on patience all summer. Of course we aren't going to do everything perfectly. But as long as the kids know they are loved and feel the love from us, they WILL be ok. Please believe it. And if after several months, she is still struggling, look for a therapist for her. I've heard a good one can get great results even with very young children.
     
  3. silverhalo

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    Hey how old is your daughter?
     
  4. Mysteria

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    Your daughter is under 4, right? A lot of kids that age struggle with transitions between one situation and another. I've had some that did great, some not so great. It may be a developmental stage she's in anyways that is being...exacerbated...by the stresses in her life. If you're concerned though, therapy may be helpful. You can see the long term perspective and how you'll both be better if you're both happy and how that will ultimately be better for her, but she can't see that.
     
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  5. baristajedi

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    Thank you, this does reassure me a lot. My daughter is going through a lot at once right now as well... she's starting school, everything's changing. But my ex and I spoke last night and had a good conversation about how to make her feel secure, and I think as long as we really give her that assurance she will always know she's loved. He's doing a great job and I'm trying my best, hope I'm doing a good job with her. We just have to keep showing her how much we love her.


    How's old is your son by the way? How do you give him resssurance? How do you ensure you're being attentive to his needs? I'm really analysing a lot about whether I'm being attentive enough to my daughter's emotions and worries.
     
    #5 baristajedi, Aug 15, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2017
  6. baristajedi

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    she just turned 5 a few days ago
     
  7. baristajedi

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    Thanks kunouchi, your insight is helpful, she's actually just turned 5 but what you're saying is true for her, she's going through a lot of stresses at once, and overall she's doing brilliantly. She's just starting school in a couple of days, and with all the stuff at home and leaving her nursery friends behind and so on, I think honestly she's thriving considering. But i know this is a really difficult point for her and I want to make sure I'm being sensitive to her needs.

    I jut really worry that I lose sight of specific things she needs assurance about. I'm hoping that between my ex and myself we can't make her feel relaxed and positive about everything.

    I agree with your thoughts and Rjay's on therapy. If she's struggles beyond a couple of months i will likely do that.
     
    #7 baristajedi, Aug 15, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2017
  8. baristajedi

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    General ps - I have this weird issue with my phone... I write is, it autocorrects to isn't... how damn confusing is that! It does that with lots of contractions, changes to the opposite meaning!

    I try to edit quickly but sometimes I post and I see that I've just been autocorrected to something really horrible like your insight isn't helpful... how rude!
     
    #8 baristajedi, Aug 15, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2017
  9. silverhalo

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    I don't think you should worry about you not doing enough the fact you are worried about her shows how much you care about her and that you are doing a great job. Starting school is massive for any child so you might even find that this would have happened anyway even if nothing about family life had changed it is just the way it shows itself that leads you to believe that it is the separation of the family. Maybe (and I don't know if this would help at all) you could try swapping over in somewhere that isn't either of your homes, you say she is better if the other person just picks her up from nursery etc so I wonder if taking her somewhere neutral to swap over might help at least for the moment. I realise this might not always be possible but maybe if you took her to the park and then your ex came and picked her up from there or something like that.

    Ps. I have noticed it do that to some of my posts before, often is becomes isn't haha so you are not alone. I have to say I read that scentance several times and thought it was a strange thing to say but after reading the rest of the post decided it was a typo
     
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  10. baristajedi

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    That was one of my thoughts, doing a swap in a neutral place. I had a few ideas for changing things, but I also thought perhaps she just needs to get through a growing pains stage and once it passes she'll be more secure for having passed through it? I'm thinking through it all... tonight we're swapping at my ex's but later in the week we'll swap in a neutral place. I'll have to see how she behaves, talk it through with my ex and see what he thinks.


    Ah, I'm so glad I mentioned the auto correct thing, it really annoys me, it completely changes my meaning. I noticed it did the same thing later in my post, I hope we can't help my daughter relax... rather than can. Totally opposite meaning.
     
  11. silverhalo

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    Yeah it's annoying, I don't know why it does it because it doesn't seem to do it when I write emails etc. At first I just thought it was me being retarded with my fat fingers.

    You will find the solution and she will come through the other side stronger, she has 2 parents that love her very much and that will always shine through.
     
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  12. RJay

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    My son is 5 too. When he is sad about having to go to his father's place, I remind him that his dad loves him and needs to spend time with him too and that I love him and will be so happy to see him when he comes home. Stuff like that. Just always remind him we both love him, and other than that lots of hugs and snuggles.

    I'll be honest that I have been short on patience this summer, so I'm afraid I've done a fair bit of yelling at him for "bad behavior". I always regret it, and I talk to him about how mommy has been feeling a little sad and a little nervous lately, and I apologize for losing my temper and reassure him that I will try to do better. I think it's important to own up to our failures so the kids don't feel like it's their fault.
     
  13. baristajedi

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    This sounds a lot like me too, I've been doing the same with her and then looking back thinking oh shit maybe she was feeling this or needing this... I do have extra cuddles for her too and reassurance but I'm also under stress and sure I'm doing a fair bit of overreacting.

    I just have to do my best I suppose and keep giving her cuddles and comfort.
     
    #13 baristajedi, Aug 15, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2017
  14. RJay

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    All we can do is our best. The kids will be as OK as anybody else. Nobody gets through childhood without some shit happening, and we all have to deal with it, right? I mean, I know we want to be perfect and protect our kids from *everything*, but that's not the job description.
     
  15. WhoIsKris

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    My 6yo daughter was 5 when I moved out. She has a much harder time with transitions and changes to routine than my 3yo does. Some things my ex and I did to help her out: we found dropping off at the other parent's place makes an easier transition than picking up from the other parent. Also, I made a calendar for the month saying where she would be and when and then each week or every few days reminded her of the plan (she really likes having and knowing what the plan is for anything). And I made an illustrated checklist of what to take to school and the other parent's house so she could check and make sure she hasn't forgotten anything (cuddles, stuffed animal, backpack, water bottle, etc).

    These things helped her tremendously and we also took her to see a therapist a few times so she felt like she had a space to talk without worrying about hurting either of her parents' feelings. My younger one benefits from some of this too, but I don't feel like she needed the full structure as much as my older one did and still does. My younger one does well if I remind her at dropoff who will be picking her up that day.

    Anyways, I think my main point is to watch your kid and see what she needs and what seems to help. And I agree with RJay about being honest and apologizing when we get things wrong or react poorly. I was so worried about my girls, still am, and I can say they have handled everything far better than I could have ever hoped. The most important thing is that they feel and know you love them no matter what and even when you're apart.

    Good luck, you're doing great!
     
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  16. looking for me

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    [Qknow you want the best for her
    OTE="baristajedi, post: 6508053, member: 66981"]im feeling scared out of my mind, but I'm going to try to write this post with a calm perspective.

    My daughter is struggling st particular moments with the adjustment in the separation between me and my ex. She seems to be very happy when she's with me and when she's with my ex, but when one of us picks her up from the other's home, she seems to have quite a difficult time. That transition point between being with one of us and then switching to the other is hard for her. It's easier for her if one of us picks her up from nursery or drops her off there, I'm guessing it will be the same with school.

    She has other difficulties here and there, sleeptime is mostly good but sometimes she has trouble sleeping...its been getting better fairly consistently though. She makes comments here and there as well that make me worry that she has some internal struggle with the fracture between my ex and myself.

    To put in perspective, I'd say overall she seems happy and relaxed, it's just certain moments where I can really see her working through things, and I know it's not easy.

    I know I'm making all the right big choices. Separating was necessary and ultimately best for her. The big decisions about how we do it I think we're doing right...but I think I'm making a mess of a lot of little things and it all adds up and I'm terrified of the effect in her.

    I don't know what to do, honestly, I'm just really scared of not doing this right.

    Today we had a massively difficult transition when her dad came to get her.

    I'm scared guys, I just want everything to be ok for my daughter.[/QUOTE]
    I know you want the best for her we all can see your love for her. If she's ok at day care or school pick up maybe a neutral place like an ice cream shop could be agreed to?