Heyo, back again. I am once again in need of connection to the trans community, so I'm wondering... How did you decide whether to go stealth or not? I yearn to be stealth once I start T. But I'm not sure how sustainable that is. Of course, I'm far from starting T, but I like imagining how my life would be like once I do. I am a bit afraid though of the weird situations I'd find myself in, having to pretend I'm a cis straight guy, when my experience is... quite different. As well as being afraid of being outed without my permission. I want to go stealth for my sake, my satisfaction, but there's also the aspect of our society that is very much against trans people - it would keep me safe (even though the official documents would be a pain and would constantly out me :| ) So yeah, was going stealth the good path for you? Why? What challenges did you/are you facing? And if it's applicable, why did you stop being stealth? And for the other side: why not go stealth? Do you ever wish you would've gone stealth? What challenges did you/are you facing as an openly out trans person?
Hi there!! So I consider myself a stealth guy for the most part, though not completely. Since I started passing I just didn't mention to people I was trans, and asked friends who already knew not to mention it. I also removed anything that could have outed me from my social media. I don't live the image of the '100% no one knows I'm trans' life, I still have a lot of close friends who've known me for a long time before I transitioned but I'm content with the fact that I now get to choose if someone new I meet knows or not. Since medically transitioning I haven't had to out myself, I just avoid situations where it would come up (e.g. I don't mention I used to do ballet, or go to the beach), it's pretty easy honestly, at least in regards to friends. Depending on how Romanian law works your work may find out, but it likely won't come up (and if it does, the chances of people outside work finding out because of it is slim to none). Pros: It's a great feeling not having to worry about how people see you gender-wise or that they might secretly be misgendering you behind your back or something. I feel like I finally get to have control over my life. I don't have to put up with people's bullshit stereotypes and assumptions. Cons: I do worry about getting outted because I know if someone finds out they can't un-find out. In legal, medical and dating circumstances you sometimes have to just tell them which sucks and is a bit awkward, so if you're trying to be 100% stealth that'll be more tough. I'd say give it a shot, you don't have to go 100% stealth if you don't want to, and if you decide being stealth isn't for you you can come out to people. I personally feel empowered and happier being stealth.
I come from a small town where I really can't be stealth. However, since moving to the city I've always been able to be stealth since I was pre-T, though very young looking. The city I moved to is also very left-leaning, so getting my legal documents changed wasn't a big deal. Just a lot of hoops to jump through. There have been times where I've considered outing myself to certain people, though ultimately I'd rather not be treated differently if they find out. I also don't plan on being an "activist", I just want to live my life as any other guy. Of course it's tough to be 100% stealth, I've had to out myself to my (hometown) doctor, family and extended family, HR and a couple other people in management at my job, and a few friends I didn't want to lose. Other than that, I had to create new social media accounts, move to a new place, and make sure to get all my legal documents changed relatively quickly to avoid having mismatched sex indicators and name. One of the more challenging aspects of being stealth, as mentioned, is dating and participating in certain activities like swimming if you're pre-op.
It's very difficult to change your documents in Romania. Like - you can't choose a masculine name, if you're afab then tough luck buddy, the most you can do is choose a unisex name. And don't even get me started on changing your gender marker. This is part of the reason why I'm terrified of transitioning tbh. There's so many stories of people being denied services because their id was 'fake'. It's complicated being stealth in situations where your documents are checked. I'd like to be 100% stealth, but yeah it does sound difficult getting to that point in your cases, so here's it's just..... Yikes. I think I'll settle on only telling people I'm reallyyy close to, and if it comes to the point where I'm outed... Idk i guess I'll deal with it
My being "stealth" just sort of happened. Well it happened after a few years of being on T, my voice deepening somewhat, and growing a beard. I feel pretty good and like I pass with my beard and voice. And I get gendered correctly in public nowadays... However,it doesn't mean that I still don't have a fear of being outed, feeling dysphoric, and what not. But most of the time everything is alright. I feel anxious when I'm in various social situations or places...but I try to kind of imitate what's going on and I observe how people act. As for being stealth advice...I'm not sure. Best I can say is just take it one day at a time. I recommend watching to see how other men walk and talk in public. AT the beginning stages of my transition, I did this a lot. I still find myself doing this somewhat to a certain degree. Course I just observe how people walk and talk in general. Maybe watch some trans masc YouTubers. Jamie dodger is a good one or Capital Chase(I think that's his name). Sorry if this isn't super helpful. There's really no one size fits all plan on how to be stealth. It really just depends or sometimes just happens...that's how it was for me. I think the key thing is observing other men... especially with walking structure, sitting, talking, etc.
