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To scared to trust...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by I'mStillStanding, Dec 21, 2018.

  1. I'mStillStanding

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    Next year will be the three year mark of coming out, separating from my ex/starting the divorce (it took a year to finalize), and really beginning the exploration of my sexuality. I have made some great progress, but there are several areas I feel completely stuck in. Like I’m never going to actually get to move forward, and a relationship is one of them. I’ve had relations! Plenty and they’ve been fun. I also feel the idea of wanting to be in a stable place and secure in myself for a full year where I can just be me, no labels or commitments, isn’t a bad idea. I’m just starting to wonder, will that ever happen? Is it an excuse to keep me from putting myself out there? I told my therapist my biggest fear is giving someone my heart (cheesy I know). But I’ve never done that. I’ve never had to give myself, my whole self, to anyone. And that’s one thing I’ve always kept and protected. But part of me knows if I’m gonna try a relationship for real I’m going to have to trust the other person with it... I’m actually scared that’ll be something I can’t do... So, I’m gonna start adopting cats and naming them only after characters from Harry Potter!
     
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  2. luna4919

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    I feel this so much. It is so hard to even give a little of myself to anybody. How do you give someone everything? I spent so long lying to myself about who I am its hard to imagine someone else accepting me. For me its easy to love someone else but loving myself? or letting myself be that open to someone is impossible.

    I hope everything works out for you and you get some bad ass cats
     
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  3. I'mStillStanding

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    I literally could have written this! Maybe that’s part of the problem too, if I can’t love me how could anyone else?

    And this one too! I mean I got so use to wearing masks I’m not sure what it’d be like to take them all off. I share bits with this person, and glimpses with that one. But never the whole...
     
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  4. luna4919

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    I am the same. People see parts of me but just small things. I never try to be fake or lie to people but its more natural to wear a mask like you were saying. I am just this mess of thoughts and its hard to share anything especially in person. I find its easier to express myself online in places like this. I wish I could be more open but its not easy.
    SAME! who am I? I know its not who I present myself to be but i am not sure if I even know.
     
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  5. PatrickUK

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    Bit of a deep question here, but who are you really protecting? Are you protecting the person you are now or are you protecting someone you used to be? Is it possible that you are protecting a younger version of yourself with ingrained habits and coping mechanisms? Might be something to discuss with your therapist.
     
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  6. I'mStillStanding

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    It’s tied into my younger self for sure. We hit on it, but I shut down again. She hates it! I’ll literally will cry for 15 seconds, realize what’s happening, pull it together, crack a joke and move on to my usual detach self. I’ve used masks to hide since, what, I was like 6. I mean... I didn’t want people to know about some sexual abuse stuff I was dealing with and it was easier to play a role. While I disagree with my therapist, I feel I’m very authentic and open and honest, I do keep my feelings and the deeper emotional stuff to myself. I share more factual details than feelings when it comes to my life or story... generally... God I sound like a robot... I’m really not... I just don’t know how to share that... I couldn’t share the abuse as a kid, as an adult when I finally did the response was horrible and didn’t go well... my father figure was sick my whole life so I had to keep my emotions in check to make sure my younger sibling was ok and taken care of... family members illnesses and deaths I’m the one who keeps it together and handles the business because I don’t fall apart... someone has to be that person and it’s me... it’s been me for so long and I don’t know how not to be that person and that is what scares me. I don’t know how to depend on someone else to protect my heart (emotional side) and honestly I don’t know if I could... wow! That sucks...
     
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  7. CathyMia

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    I don't have anything useful to add other than all of this being far too reparable, lol. Best of luck to you OP <3
     
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  8. Robyn mac

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    It's sounds perfectly normal to me. It seems that hiding some things means you don't want to settle down. I am a bit of the same way. But ask me a question and people will get a honest answer without me hiding anything.
     
  9. I'mStillStanding

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    Yea they get the facts, just not the emotion. I’m an open book, history book lol. I don’t want to settle down yet. I’m still trying to lose weight, I want to be able to look in and the mirror and say, “yea, I’d do me!” Then have some time to live a life feeling confident (aka living out my hoeish fantasies). But eventually I do want to settle down and fall in love. It’s just, I realized a couple weeks ago I’ve never done that. Been in love! That is scary af!
     
  10. Robyn mac

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    Yes we all have the I'd do me thoughts. But reality is love comes in all shapes and sizes. But pure love comes at you when you least expect it. It's some physical but mostly mentally and in your heart.
    I'd rather be with a big guy who is caring than a heartless model. It's only a example . I am not picking on any shape or size.
     
  11. I'mStillStanding

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    I get what you saying, honestly I do! I wouldn’t want to be with a heartless model myself. And generally I’m more attracted to guys who aren’t super thin or in shape and such. I just want to be... it’s weird... all my life I’ve felt out of place and when I accepted who I was, I was like finally this is it! I know I’m gonna fit in... hahahaha wrong! I’m big boned to over weight in the straight world which makes me circus material for the gay world... but it is what it is! I’m pretty good at getting what I want, always have been! I do what it takes :slight_smile:
     
    #11 I'mStillStanding, Dec 25, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2018
  12. smurf

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    Gonna sound like a broken record player here, but if you haven't looked into the work of Brene Brown I would HIGHLY suggest that you do.

    The amount of trauma that comes with being in the closet is crazy. We become REALLY fucking good at crafting an image of who we are and what we want people to know about us. Not sure about you, but being in the closet made me a really good liar. Scary good.

    All of that is hard to shed of and it does take time. I think Brene Brown does a really good job at showing a pathway out of that trauma in many ways.

    Start with her Ted Talk and if what she says resonated with you then read her first book and work from there. Her audiobooks are amazing if you don't like reading or if you have a long commute.
     
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  13. I'mStillStanding

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    I’ve actually not heard of Brene Brown so I’m gonna check that out for sure :slight_smile: thanks

    I prefer to consider myself a rather good hider hahaha no the with holding of the truth does become very natural.
     
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  14. KyleD

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    Seems like you have experienced a lot of trauma in your life. First, you really have to start loving yourself because if you don't then no one else will love you. It's a process but you really have to give yourself time to heal because a relationship will not solve the problem but will only make it 2 times worse. At the heart of it I would say is to explore who you are and what you want.
     
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  15. I'mStillStanding

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    Yea... there are parts of me I love... like my sass and attitude. My eyes and legs lol. But there are still areas I’ve got work to do. I have this rule, a year from the day I wake up and don’t feel like I’m struggling to stay above water against huge waves in a deep ocean is when I’d be ready for a relationship. The problem is, next month will be the three year mark of coming out to myself. How long will it take? I’m 30! And I can’t become a bitter queen with a house full of cats, I just can’t...
     
  16. KyleD

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    You have to learn to love yourself despite your imperfections. I'm 31 and I came out to myself at 26 so you are younger than I am. I think that you should be proud of what you have gone through because it is making you a stronger person. Wear those scars with pride hehe. Also, you will never be 100% ready for a relationship and sometimes a relationship will inspire you to make changes that you never thought possible. If someone really loves you they will look beyond the surface and see the potential that you have.
     
  17. I'mStillStanding

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    Thanks :slight_smile: I’ve been paranoid about age off and on since coming out. It didn’t help that earlier today I went to get a hair cut, the first one probably since the end of last year (haven’t really been feeling myself so thought what’s the point in trying), took my mom because thought it’d be a fun outing and she pointed out all my grays. I could have died! No appointments available for coloring today, but next week... yea that’s going to be handled.

    I guess it’s like what they say about kids... you’re never really ready are? I mean I know I’m not ready for a relationship now, I got a few things to sort but you know what I mean. And what you say about my future man, reminds me of something Mr. Schuster said to Rachael in Glee (which I know makes me a complete loser lol)(and I’m paraphrasing) that all the things you hate about yourself is what that someone special is going to love the most. I’m gonna have to find that episode. I have the entire series on dvd, I got custody of that in my divorce lol.
     
  18. KyleD

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    Lol, I do remember when Glee was popular. Time really flies! How long did your marriage last? It must have been very difficult going through the divorce and all of that. A divorce is a life changing event and it is not easy but thankfully the legal aspect of that has been sorted out.

    It kind of feels like you are experiencing a second awakening! Do you feel freer now that you are not as burdened with what you were when you were a teenager and a young adult in your twenties? Your thirties is such a lifechanging period because it's when you are supposed to come into your own or so they say haha.
     
  19. I'mStillStanding

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    You’re right, time just keeps marching on. And it’s marching right across our faces hahahaha thank god for botox! I was married for 6.5 years before I came out, it took a year to get divorced. I wanted to be patient and avoid court if possible. It really was bitter sweet. I was happy to have my freedom, but sad that I had lost my best friend.

    I am feeling another surge of something, self exploration maybe self discovery. I’m kinda excited. I was wondering what pulled me back to EC and now I know! It’s what ever is about to happen so! I feel some freer, that’s kinda true. Lol this morning I thought, why should I rest a house elf doesn’t deserve rest. The joys of being a caregiver to family. You’re always on call. I really think once I get a bit of freedom in my home environment I’ll feel completely liberated!
     
  20. Tightrope

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    Failure to trust has very deep roots. It's usually not a single episode of disappointment or neglect, but it can be. It's usually long-term and the seeds are sown early in life ... obviously by other people and circumstances. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's a common theme in therapy. That's a great place to work on it.
     
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