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Tired

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by NotRealMe, Jul 11, 2018.

  1. NotRealMe

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2018
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    So, I've posted about what I've experienced with my friend, about my sexual thoughts and now... I think it's time to open my heart...
    For all of my life I was trying to pretend(what I still do and kinda am) that I'm tough, cold-harted, cold-blooded person who always sacrifices his friends, time and happiness to reach his goals. When someone asks me about, marriage, children I always say that I will never do that, that my aim is to build a great career and change the world. Some people call me egoistic and power-hungry, even in school some say that all I want is to gain as much influence as I can. But they don't understand that everything I do is to make other people happy.

    However, this comes at a great cost. Because of that(not only bacause of that) I kind of lost my "family". I haven't seen my father in 10 years. I disowned my mother legally because of her horrible alcohol addiction. She did the same. I kicked my uncle out of home because of the same reason. My grandmother died recently because of the same reason. She was sick for a year. The day before her death, she said she hopes that snakes like me would die asap. I said her that she's already one leg in her coffin. When I was 12 I tried to kill myself. I ain't regret none of these things cause they make me stronger. Now I'm on my own...almost.

    Sometimes I cry. I cry really hard, but then I wipe my tears and hold my head high. But I don't know how long I can take it. I'm tired... I know that anger and hatred make me strong, but they destroy me at the same time. I want to let go, to be free of this pain, to forgive my relatives who had done horrible things to me. I want that people wouldn't be afraid of me when they do something bad to me. I want to fall in love. I want to love someone and be loved. I want to start a new life.
    How do I forgive and let go?