Tired of the closet, but petrified of opening the door.

Well I am going to try to get this all out before I chicken out. Grab some popcorn. It's a long one...

The first sign I was gay? The first "gay" memory I have goes back to first grade when I admired an eighth grader at the small religious school I attended. The thing I remember is not admiring how cool he was, but how nice his legs looked when he was wearing shorts. At the time, I obviously didn't have any concept of gay vs. straight. As far as I knew, I was just looking up to an eighth grader.

Pretty sure I had a "crush" in second grade on another guy in my class. I remember not feeling noticed by him, and even one day marching up to him and saying, "Why do you hate me?" The kid had never said anything bad about me in his life, and it left him flabbergasted.

I remember really starting to feel like I was an outsider in fourth grade. This is partly due to learning differences and anxiety issues beginning to assert themselves. (These went undiagnosed until I got to college and sought help.) I also was teased and called the "cootie boy" in my class, by another boy who ended up coming out of the closet when he was in college. Unfortunately, many other kids in my class latched onto this and perpetuated it for two or three years.

In retrospect, it got better in middle school. Not singled out by my classmates, but not really included either. I got along ok with everyone in my class, but I wasn't really friends with anyone. Whereas other kids would hang out with each other after school, I never really had that. This helped to solidify my "otherness" in my own mind.

In 7th grade, I had a crush on a girl who I was in a regional choir with. We would carpool together with two other kids. Looking back on it, she was one of the first people to seem friendly to me without any reservations. We weren't great friends, but she showed a kindness and an interest in what I had to say that I didn't get from my peers. I attribute my attraction to her at that time to the fact that my hormones were raging and to the fact that I had no concept of the fact that I could be gay. I remember not understanding why the guys found other girls in my class attractive. I wrote it off as having been in a small class with them so long that I just didn't see them that way. At the same time, I definitely had low self-esteem and often fantasized about becoming other guys and getting off on those fantasies. Tellingly of course, all those guys happened to be attractive.

I had one other crush on a girl in high school. I was in a public school at this point. Again, it was another girl who seemed to value me for the person I was. She did have a crush on me at the time, but I was way too scared to ever do anything about it. Thankful, I did not. She ended up being a good friend to me while I was in high school. In retrospect, I know now I just would have hurt her. I would fantasize more about achieving "the American Dream" with her than focused on any aspects of her anatomy. And again, I wasn't attracted to any other girls in my school. It was definitely at this point that I noticed a strong reaction within myself when looking at certain guys. I struggled with those reactions through high school and college. During college is when I finally admitted to myself that I liked guys. I didn't come to terms with the fact that I liked ONLY guys until my 5th year of undergrad.

When I went to college, I got really involved with a religious group because that's what I knew. It was easier to make friends there than elsewhere. Also the church where this group was located was the most liberal church within this increasingly conservative denomination that I had ever been to. There were even a few people there who were gay, but didn't really speak one way or another as to whether they acted on it. I was still deeply closeted, and too afraid of losing friends and my community. In my mind, I was bisexual so I could just hide it and no one would ever have to know. I now know that what I considered to be the feeling of "God" was just a strong sense of belonging to a group and being wanted. (I currently consider myself agnostic bordering on atheistic at times.)

In that 5th year of undergrad, I admitted to myself that I was gay. I just decided to fore-go any relationships, and hope no one noticed. That shame pushed me away from that church and that group ironically. While liberal, the teaching of the church was still firmly that homosexuality is "intrinsically disordered". I just couldn't see how anyone would want to be friends with me gay or straight. I felt like a complete screw up between this and my struggles in school.

I worked for a year teaching outdoor ed at a religious camp in that same denomination. (I had worked there several summers previous. This place again appealed to me because it fell on the more liberal side. (There was even a written policy that no one should refer to anyone else as "gay" in a derogatory manner or ever treat someone who might be gay unfairly.) My coworkers were pretty liberal themselves including one who is pansexual and currently engaged to a transgender man. Even in this environment, I was still too scared to come out.

After I graduated college, (Took me seven years, but I did it!) I was asked to join a foundation I had volunteered for over the year's as a full time staff person. This foundation raised money to cure the genetic disorder I have that my doctor at the time was pretty sure is the cause of my learning issues and possibly my anxiety issues. I accepted the job and moved several states away from home. I found that my coworkers were very progressive, and thought to myself, "Maybe, just maybe I can now get the courage to come out." The longing for companionship and intimacy with another man had grown a lot.

Unfortunately, things went downhill there when new leadership took over the top of the organization before I felt comfortable coming out. I was asked to do something I considered completely unethical by the new leadership that would have required me to stab my coworkers in the back. I resigned as did most of my division after that situation. Things had just become too broken to fix. This also destroyed any of the self-confidence that I had built up that had given me hope I would have the strength to come out. It may sound odd, but it took me over a year to get over leaving that job. I lost a whole community of support for my issues with that genetic disorder.

I moved home and ended up back at the camp for the summer and the fall education season. That spring I achieved a life goal by thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail which was an amazing experience. I hoped I could finally come to terms with being gay, and start to come out to folks through self-confidence gained through the experience, but I just wasn't ready.

Ended up doing odd jobs once back, and yet again I am back at this camp teaching outdoor ed. This time around though, my co-workers this season are very conservative and I am really struggling. I trust working for the directors at the camp as they have a son who is openly gay and good friends who are gay. It's not something they really talk about, but it is clear where they stand. I just wouldn't trust my coworkers to not make a big deal about it or potentially have them leave. I can only imagine it hurting the youth we serve. I am here until August so I have resigned myself to being in the closet at the very least until then. I enjoy the job a lot so that will have to get me through the personal turmoil.

This isn't even including my anxiety about my religious and conservative parents. Financially, I am not in a great situation and am relying on my parents to help me through some tight spots. I am getting hounded by my mom for not being active in the church and she is constantly trying to set me up with women though I get really upset with her when she tries. I've made it semi-clear to her that I will never have a relationship with a woman, but she thinks it has to do with my issues with self-esteem related to my genetic disorder. She will absolutely lose it if she knew I was gay. I am seriously worried for her mental health if and when I finally have the strength to tell her. She is unbalanced and has anxiety/anger issues of her own that she will not seek help for. My dad would probably handle it better, and I know my sisters would be supportive. They would just be mad at me for denying it when confronted about not dating any women.

So this is where I am at. I couldn't come out until September at the earliest and only if I have a long term stable job to fix my financial issues. I still highly doubt I will come out then. The anxiety has controlled me for so long, I often question whether I am capable of being honest about this part of myself. I want to be honest though. I am almost 28 years old and I haven't even had a chaste kiss. The shame of being so incredibly sexually repressed is overwhelming when I think about it, and adds to the anxiety. I just don't know how to overcome it. I want to believe I can, but I just don't know.

 

Thanks. They will probably be the last to know. I definitely know a couple of my sisters suspect. I am at a point if they were to directly ask me, I don't think I could lie again. They haven't asked in several years though. In the rest of my life, transparency and honesty are really important to me. It drives me crazy that my fear hasn't allowed me to be transparent and honest about my sexuality.

Thanks. I was good friends with my direct boss, before through my volunteering, and we still remain good friends. (He resigned as well.) He and his wife even put me up for a few months while getting settled out there. I am pretty sure he suspects. Based off a conversation we had a year and a half ago, I am pretty sure the ball is in my court to admit it when I'm ready. He's very supportive of gay rights and gay people as he never really got to know his uncle as a kid because of his mother's fear. I always have a place to stay with them.

Still really hard to say it aloud. Wish that previous sentence wasn't true but it is... Just have to keep working at it. I changed some lyrics to a song on the radio last night as I was driving home to visit my parents for a few days. Cheesy I know, but I could at least sing it loud when I've only been able to say it softly to myself. While I wouldn't hesitate to support my friends who are openly GLBTQ in their right to live their lives as who they are, I have a long way to go on how I feel about myself and my own homosexuality. (Even just writing that last sentence gives me a pang of anxiety.)

Probably not a good idea on the boss's son. He is in a not so great place. He is very bitter at the world. The few interactions I do have with him via social media are focused on how the world sucks. However, there are at least a dozen people in my life who I know would be supportive. I forgot to mention this, but my degree is in theatre. Yeah, crazy that I'm still not out with that... I was always kind to everyone in my department, and if asked voiced my support for gay rights. I kind of missed the social boat as I didn't declare within the program until the beginning of my third year of college. I was invited once to a party, but after that never was again. This may be surprising to some, but I have many friends from the Appalachian Trail who I know would be supportive too.

I feel stuck on this. Definitely not something I can afford though I wish I had one. Went to one in college for half a year until the free counseling sessions ran out. Even then, I couldn't admit to the therapist that I was gay. I was more focused on my academics and my feelings of no self-worth related to my undiagnosed learning/anxiety issues at that time. In retrospect, being gay was obviously tied up in those feelings as well. I currently live and work a half hour from a very gay friendly college town so I know there has to be some sort of options there. I also have some issues with seeing myself as an attractive man to other men. That is something I need to work on as well.

My oldest sister is bisexual, but is also the most immature. I don't trust her to keep it a secret unfortunately. On top of that, she has more problems of her own that make this small potatoes in comparison. The one I would feel most comfortable telling is the one who has the least clue. She still tells me I'll find a woman some day and that just serves to push me further in the closet. I do know we are all supportive of gay rights based off our conversations not around our parents. Still, it will take me a while to come out to them. As mentioned before, I do have some underlying anxiety issues that have been present since I was young. I am just not very good about advocating for myself or putting myself first. Even when it is a medical issue.

Thanks!

I wouldn't expect any less. :icon_bigg

Again, thanks! I think I just need to hear that a lot more for me to really internalize that it is ok to be where I am.

 

Thanks Lexington. That's the goal.

I mentioned elsewhere that all the red and white popping up on Facebook today has been uplifting. It gave me a minor heart attack to do it, but I changed my profile picture in solidarity. I still removed the "story" from my timeline though. That was a bit too nerve wracking for me. At least it's a baby step.

Still got a few likes on the picture. I am using my friends posts in support of marriage equality on FB to help make a list of all the people in my life who will almost certainly support me when I do finally come out. Hopefully that will help me overcome some of my anxiety.